Sunday, December 16, 2012
My friend Rusty, I would describe him like a brother; our friend is my oldest and closest given the time I've known him. I would respect his every decision, but in the same breath tell him how stupid I think it might be, even after not seeing or talking to him in over six or seven months.
My friend, the Historian, has become my best friend, someone I can unload on and agree with and share my views and trials with. He's like… my good christian friend (although he's atheist). Always there to listen, to aid with his similar struggles.
It's been half a decade, now to the week, since my dad died. Now, I'm not going to complain. The reality is, had he not died and had my mother not gone into a year of reclusion I would have retained a level of shelter; even with Rusty and Jennifer's intervention into my not so simple existence.
I would have never had my faith in God challenged to the same degree, or moved to Missouri where I fell in love with one girl, loved and lost one who changed my life, struggled yet another who ended up for the best and loved the many in my youth group.
I would have never met Shane, my very best friend whilst I lived in Missouri. Who help me deal my issues of loss, sexuality, beliefs, difficulties with girls and out look on life, music and the big picture.
I would never met Misti, who truly lead me while I stumbled on the vast wide; careful not to walk too straight and narrow. Concreting my faith in a way only a holy experience can do; even given my Buddhist points of view.
I may not have come to New York, but I might have.
I just… I wonder sometimes, what would he have to say to me? I'm a genius, yes, but that came from him. His autism, his philosophy, his passive demeanor, his old soul. My autism, my existentialism, my pacifism and friendliness, my old soul.
Who do I talk to about my feelings, about women, about love, about my history; if not a man so similar to me? Without a man to look up to? I have but an image to look up to, one that is so vividly painted by his words and teachings in the last six years of his life.
I think, and I have always thought, that he knew it was coming. He would tell me that his only purpose for being alive was for me, and since he died I have only further understood his teaching, his wisdom and his philosophy. He prepared me for almost everything and I didn't even know it.
There are days where I look back. I see relationship crumble, I see my failures, I feel my heart sink when I fail to be just and honest, I condemn myself what I've been unfaithful; and it is in those minutes of reflection that I realize that he has been guiding me the whole way, only to understand when it is too late.
Still I wonder not what he would think of me. He would think the world of me. I wonder what he would have to say when I came to him with my dilemmas?
I want to be an artist, become bigger than life; or do I want to be a teacher? I think this one's a keeper or I have feelings for someone else? I think this person hates me and I can't stop thinking about it? I really screwed up this time…
Whether it's my dad or someone else, I feel alone in this world sometimes. Like I can't make these decisions on my own. My will is too weak.
My history of infidelity, my ego, my anger, my patience, my feelings are all symbols of my weakness. Which I suppose I'm fine with. I've made it this far, but I wish I knew what to do sometimes.
None the less, Happy christmas and may God bless you,
Brent Matthew Lillard
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I will always do, as I always have, what I want; when I want; however I want it. I will accept the consequences of my actions which never have stopped me from doing it again.
While you demand on your man and whine like a bitch, I will keep my mouth silent, unattended by query and do as I please.
To create requires ingenuity, to succeed demands investment, to create inspires innovation.
When you sit in an office chair, bored with your life having Guccied your hubby out of credit and home, I will be doing what I love; Changing the world with my taste and vision.
Teaching hundreds of students, discipling tens more; changing the thoughts about SpEds with the words from my heart; creating endless designs as I network the world around you; painting my world in colours I only dream about, now; kissing everyone in my circle with the mass splash of excitement that over flows from my mind.
And if it's not that exciting, I'll still be creating from my heart. My art and design will never end, even in a small apartment, where I kick back on a futon with a Brooklyn Lager, married to my sweetheart on my macintosh accepting calls from all I networked with tens of commissions at a time.
This life is my creation and as such I follow my own rules. I break the flaws of design to make way from the law of my art. THe world is my canvas, with colours you clearly can't see. We share it in flux, changed always and constantly by those who try.
I will never stop.
You can't make me.
Design is my passion.
Art is my soul.
And with God on my side, I will never be in misery.
Not like you, who never try.
(Inspired by those around me, directed at some who aren't, for the pleasure of the rest who are not miserable in their creation)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
At my job, I'm learning the in and outs of the technical mechanical side of my T-shirt company, so I can do print and Design and get more hours.
Life with the Cute One is the bomb!
Life is generally good.
I'm currently really hooked on the Grizzly Bear's Two Weeks which I heard on WFUV.
I mean they just got this great sound. It's chilling and smooth and cheerful and I haven't heard it since a trip I took in 2008.
I'm currently working on my next Social Card, since I don't do business
Which is quite an endeavor since I'm dropping my old logo for something more geeky and artsy.
More on that as it happens.
Considering moving my life blog to tumblr with my odd ball tumblings.
More on the card later.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
She makes me happy in every way, all the time. No one's done that.
I swear I went around the house and there were no clocks when I started to look for them and then I realized, "Oh! I'm on vacation, I don't need to know what time it is!" then would turn around and either nosh, laugh, kiss Meghan or drop a bad joke!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
So I've found some music I like that is under creative commons.
Check this out:
So, I'm really happy with Meghan. It's been about a month this Friday. I couldn't do anything on friday so I didn't bring it up since it appeared she hadn't noticed. She's not really one to watch the clock and I, myself, have an uncanny habit of keeping track of these things.
But, yeah, I'm happy. It's the smoothest month I've had in a long time and as far as I can see we're both really happy.
I've got that zen thing back and I'm much more focused on what I want to be again. The whole of last semester, it feel like my energy and creativity are flowing freely again. I can write again, I feel alive and free.
There's a key difference in Love and Lost (not to be confused with lust), when you love someone, it's good for you and it doesn't damage you. More accurately, you don't damage yourself. That's at least the way I see it.
You can hurt yourself to no end holding onto to something you think makes you happy, but it's nothing compared to a person who makes you happy.
And if you don't understand, then maybe it's because you don't want to.
Or maybe I'm just a raving idiot because I love someone.
Hey, I wouldn't deny the possibly that I could be a raving idiot. But I'm not! How often have really talked about my feelings for someone in a blog. THat is to say, using the L-word? Hardly ever in the moment, yes? Something's different and I like it.
So school is moving along and I'm not that interested this semester. It's all software and drawing. The only class that really interests me is our class with Dr. Kolossus. Typographic Design.
It's funny! I got in the class with a bunch of my other friends and colleagues from Kolossus' Basic class last semester. I'm still sat next to the Croatian and now the Veg is on my otherside with the Fashionable one. Ferdinand (and if you're reading this, it's not an insult, I'm just not using your actual name) and the Music Buff still sit across the room and so does Lazy Bones, who I've recently gain a new found respect for in terms of design tast.
Of the new ones, we've got The Girl with Hair like Ramona Flowers, Her friendly friend, Hipster Steve (Our favourite hispanic! – bit a of an inside joke) and a handful of others who haven't seen enough of to really label yet. (You know who you are)
Jenna's also in the class. She doesn't really talk to me or acknowledge me without me asking, but I respect her as a colleague in the highest degree. She's really quite smart and I've been trying to lay down some olive branches. I certainly ask her for help if I want it.
I don't think I really talked about what happened between me and her last month. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, but she decided for some reason or another that I was an asshole and that she didn't want to be a friend of mine anymore.
Honestly, I don't know what exactly did happen. Last I'd heard we were on good terms and the next thing I know I'm being yelled at. This hurt, but I respect that decision and it's hers to make. But I wont give her special treatment, that would be unfair and could be spiteful.
I mean, having your new boyfriend drive you to your exes house and then ignoring him yelling things like "shut the fuck up" and "worthless" at your ex is not my idea of class. But that's more of the gentleman, himself who I hold accountable to that idiocy. I'll admit I may have not heard him correctly when he was cussing me out from the middle of the street, but I reserve the right to make my own judgements based on what happened.
I hope she ends up happier than she was with me, I really do.
My photoshop class is bullshit easy, InDesign not really an issue and 2D design has a really long winded but really quirky artist for a professor. I like him, he's old and cool with good music taste and a knack for nighttime black and white film photography.
Last night my aunt exploded at me for arguing with her about something I wasn't even arguing and to save going to into detail I'm going to segue to the fact that we talked today and discussed the fact that we haven't been talking much these days and worked out a schedule and agreements and decided we'd talk more.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So I've been rooting around in the old HTML script for my blog last night and this morning. Rechoosing typeface, colour order, simplifying the appearance and red aligning such things. I'm also updated the layout, begun work on a portfolio page, reorganized my links and redid the about me page. I think it all is starting to unify quite well. • Also had a crazy conversation about Zapdos and sexy snakes (not to be confused with solid snake) with the other cute one over text machine! • So I've come to try and begin work on a project that Professor Kolossus gave us (making a menu in InDesign) but I am completely useless in InDesign. I can't even figure out how to begin. I was told it was just like Illustrator and clearly it is, only a different foundation! WHAT THE FRAK‽ • Onward and forward to the old crusty html script. I must further declutter! • See you next time! • Brent Matthew Lillard • @SAKUTOnoSai