Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Back to the Basics

It's been a while since I just sat back wrote about life in general. Maybe I've been avoiding facing the truth, and through I've drifted away from what makes me crave the truth.

I once said, my goal in life is to better understand humanity; my humanity, my truth, who I am.

I've gotten somewhat shallow in my blogs recently. I've talked about things I've read, the macbook which I ordered, my projects and music; but very little about me.

So let's be honest, shall we?

I'm 1,500 away from the place I call home and the human being who I am closest to.
Everyday I feel like I'm in pain from depression.
My limp is getting worse because my knee seems to be getting worse.

But my Life is Good.
I have friends, who care and have very problems that, like mine, can't be ignored.
I have family, though it may not be blood or they may be very far, they still love me.
I'm intelligent and creative.
I have a knack for helping others, which I am grateful for.
I live a quiet life.
Something many people take for granted is the sound of silence, the light of the night, the feeling of the cool air. (Unless it's hot August and you live in southeast Misery)

The quiet life, although sometimes brain numbingly boring, suits me well.

I'm a geek, and a nerd, I enjoy blogging and technology which is why I now lay here on my bed at three in the morning pounding down the numerous letters and punctuation marks on the keyboard of my MacBook.
I love to read about others and their lives, hear their stories and examine the oddities of life that are ironically so common that they take us by surprise, simply because we don't notice them.
Sometimes I think God must have a sense of humour, others I think we're just hanging by a thread and that we're so monstrous that we don't deserve the reminded the standards we have set for ourselves.

But we're only human.
We live and we die.
We breath and we speak of the name God.
Words that can not be spoken as we understand it.

I was reminded by my Youth Leader just how important laughter is.
I often say I can't express my emotions but that's only half right.
For a long time I've struggled with depression, because I have lost the ability to unleash what I feel in anyway. Which is why everyday I hurt.
I've tried screaming, I've tried laughing. I can't cry anymore.
There is very little that makes it go away.
But I do express joy, that's something I still feel. When I'm happy the pain remains, but I still laugh.
Something I've taken from my father is a love of humour and laughter. If he heard something funny he laughed even if he was the one who told the joke, which was often very dry.
I laugh at my owns jokes, at stupid things sometimes because it makes sense in my head alone.
It was Red Skelton who said "If I tell a joke to an audience of a thousand people, why should I be the only one in the room not getting the joke?"
He also taught me to enjoy the little things in life. Because we only live once on this earth, so let's enjoy every detail of it. Beauty is everywhere, don't search for it, because if you do that your blind. Because it's right in front of you.

So why am I so "emotionally challenged"?

Sure life was pretty bad here and there, but it got better and will continue to.

I don't know.

But life is good.
I'm living the quiet life, trying to get my edumacation so I can be the success in life I've always dreamed of.
I have my gadget fix set for the time being and I absolutely love the time period I live in.
And my relationship is going strong, very strong.

I received my Macbook, built into the Anodized Aluminum Unibody and set it up with Adobe AIR and iTunes and I'm Happy. (And another software called Wallsaver which plays a Matrix Screensaver as my desktop)
And let me tell you this baby is beautiful! The design is perfect, although limited by the constraints of "top of the line" design. But beside the 2 USB ports it's an awesomely elite Personal Computer. (And I say that slap all Mac loving PC bashers in the metaphorical face!)
After rehacking my old modem I was able to hook up both the Mac and the Larry Box to the Modem and I have internet and full functionality! It's totally radsome!
Although I eagerly await the beta release of Google Chrome for Mac.

When all is said and done I may even turn my PC into a hackintosh.

I'm getting along well in church. Making friends and having fun.
Which leads me to not having fun..... Because I suck at math and I've had a year long educational hiatus I'm needing to study hard for the G.E.D. this year. So I may ask some one from youth to help me out, since they offered... hrmmmmm....

Also, what is this I hear about Russion spacejunk sending balls of fire over Hampton Roads? I live for that sort of thing!!! How come I'm always the last to know. sadface....
I mean that's so radically cool! A loud bang and flash in the sky that wont immediately disintigrate you to a carbon shadow?! THAT'S AWESOME!

I'm getting the itch to pull out the sewing machine after the years of gathering dust and do a project and do something that's eco friendly so I came to a conslusion:
Upcycle a bunch of drugstore plastic bags into a fused plastic Laptop case!
All of this I whille record and post on Youtube.

On the subject of my knee, it's been hurting like the devil recently. I'm been walking 75% of the time trying not to move it. I should probably go to the doctor about it, but I don't. Oh well.

I'm hurt, physically and emotionally, but that doesn't matter.
Life could be so much worse.
I'm happy, even in my sadness.
I'm fed.
I'm intrigued
I'm alive.
I'm loved, I am reminded of that everyday by at least one voice.
God put me here on this earth for a reason and even if that weren't reason enough I have another reason.
Until the day I can no longer speak the name of God, until the last breath I naturally take, I will live for that reason.

But life is really hard, and really good at the same time. No matter hard it gets, don't forget that you only live once and that you should find the beauty in every detail and enjoy it to the best of your ability.

Call it a load crap if you insist, but I believe that life is precious.
Every frakking second of it.

Brent / Saku

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