Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Best Friends

When it comes to friends I have many, but I have few.
I have many friends, in that there are those who will always love me, as I love them, but in time we have or will grow distant and speak less to each other, but always carry some piece of each other in some place within our hearts.
I have few, in that there are only some who I know I can always rely on, no matter what, even after we haven't seen each other in years.

I hate it when I am asked, "Who is your best-friend?"
I can not choose. How can I? There is the classic dilemma that if you say one person, another will feel hurt. But for me, it's harder than mere feelings. It's my own insecurities tied up with my loyalties.
I mean, I've had friend were the best at the time and in time I've gotten better friends, even now I've had the best I've ever had, but who is the best?

When my parents and I used to travel with our RV we would go to a place on the bay and camp every August at a camp ground retreat. I suppose it doesn't really constitute as camping, but it was a vacation, more so than camping in a tent would have been.
On my second or third year there, I had made friend who returned there every summer as well. His name was Matthew and we called each other Matt (Matthew being my middle name) and we were both excessively hyper with short attention spans.
I can still remember his face, glasses, smile and even his voice. He had a video games.
I hadn't really had a good friend prior to then, and while he wasn't the greatest influence on me, he was the first person I could honestly call my best friend, and at the time, I knew this.
Time has passed and it's been years since I've heard or talked to him in years.

Today, my range of friends is wide and there are a group who hold closest to me. But can I pick a best? I'm not quite sure, I mean, who is truly my best friend?
I have a friend who I haven't seen in person since December of 2008 and yet, even though we have vastly different world views and philosophies, I know I can count on him when I need him.
I have made friend out of a former partner who I can go to about anything from conversations about our faith or careers to rants about my social or sexual frustrations.
I have made a friend, unlikely as it may be based on our age difference, who understands certain aspects of me, a person who I share mutual trust with and that I can tell down near anything to.
Even more unlikely another friend who I've met, not so much as a teacher, but as a peer who acts almost as an oracle.
There are some friends of mine with such unique presence, some intellect or understanding, some with boundless compassion, all with incredible loyalty.
And there is my Girlfriend, who shares my interests, who understands of me to some extent, who cares in general. Someone who understands, certainly, not every aspect of me, but who accepts me just as am.

Every one of these are important to me, and there are more. But I can't just say one is my best friend. I mean, Any person that can love me, warts and all, is worthy enough.
A friend once told me that I can have two, or more, best friends. That was long ago, and I forget who she was or what she looked like, but she was right.
Even Jesus had his favourite disciples, but he had a couple.

I suppose, I can chose one person to, though they may not agree with everything I do or completely understand me. After all, no one completely does.
But it's not a competition, no is leading the pack by over 9000Pts.

I am blessed with wonderful friends.

I mean, I can argue with one of my most loyal friends about my own sexuality and faith, and their disbelief that I can't control who turns me on the basis of bible passage, which has been the subject of debate for centuries. But I know when the day comes, I know, I can count on them to help me in my spiritual journey, again.

And how many people do you sit in a car for an hour with discussing the most peculiar subjects, which you never talk about with most people, not even the friends who had more dirt you?

Or perhaps after a year of dating, going through a rather messy break up, then both having a crisis of faith and then... after sometime, being able to talk about each others significant others or a plan to pie our former "chauffeur" during our next meeting.

And I have a friend who doesn't care about my past, who's got a different flavour loyalty, honesty and love. Who I can trust with anything, even the one thing I wouldn't tell anyone else until I could decide on my own.

A woman told me that there are people who see things as black and white, and not in the narrow minded sort of way. I used to say that I see the world in many colours, with reds and blues and greens and everything in between.
Well, if you shine a white light through a prism, upon the black you will see a spectrum of beautiful colours.
I think friends are like Prisms, they add colour to an otherwise dark world.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


I've fallen, stared down black metal and become a hood ornament.
I have a friend who gets blown up as job description. He showed me God, when I didn't have a reason besides science to believe.
I've had a friend who illegally sold goods at gun point. He was one of my greatest boyfriends.
I had been told at least five times by this man that I was the reason that God kept him alive. When the time came that I didn't need him anymore, he died.
I've had my life changed by people who once thought their lives weren't worth the air they breathe.

I think every life is important. Every moment is important.
Because, whether God flowing among us giving us life in the fullest or we're doing everything on our own by mere chance or some god-like bloke is hiding behind a big black curtain pulling the levers of life, every moment in our lives leads to a certain place, somehow.
I live in Dexter, Missouri. A small town in the middle somewhere, Arkansas. A place of country music, some rap, pick up trucks, the stereotypical male meander-thal and farmer's daughter.
I grew up in Virginia, near a military base, raised by republican baptists, but I love Anime, Science Fiction, sushi, Greek food, heavy metal, 80s rock, Indie pop, J-Rock, techno, philosophy, theology, quantum physics and I am such a nerd.
What a weird boring place for me to land?
Character number one: The Philosophical Anti-Awkward and ultimate Anti-Bully. Most interesting human being you'll ever meet. He's not slow, but he takes his time, thinking about the crucial working of life inside, outside and in the fourth dimension of the comically correct box. So loyal, so true. I still have not heard him play, I need to at some point.
Character number two: total Otaku! Moved all over, likes sushi, J-rock, 80s music, strange food, science fiction, astronomy and me. And also the kind of person that underneath the joy, and violent tendencies is a loyalty unlike any other.
Character number three: A picture of compassion, loves heavy metal like no one I've ever met and has a weird thing for obscure techno and probably the most loyal and compassionate friend you'll meet.

I don't care if it's coincidence, life prepared me and brought me here and I will thank God for it.
I mean, chance or predestination, doesn't matter. By some odd coincidence I ended up here, and I believe there is purpose to this and purpose to everything that happened before.
But I'm a grain of salt on, not a beach, but a coast line.
There are seven billion of us, each with reason, each with purpose, each with importance.

Every moment is important to me, that's why spontaneity is so important to me. Planning ahead is over rated.
I mean, yeah, look for scholarships, look into colleges, plan financially and career wise. But don't forget that life changes on a dime and everything you know can vanish and life just evolved.
I live for the now, I have a plan, a ten year plan, but nothing is set in stone. I want to enjoy every minute of now.

Rant end.

Brent Matthew Lillard