Wednesday, August 25, 2010

¿uʍop ǝpısdn plɹoʍ ʎɯ

So you might make a wild guess that I'm going to rant about my life being frakked over Lady Luck's personal pedobear.
Well, no. Not really.
No, this is about my car getting frakked over and turned over as I scurry out of it realize several minutes later that I was in a horrible car accident and I didn't even know it.

So, yesterday (Tuesday, August 24) I was out driving in the country and I lost control of my vehicle and crashed into the ditch of a road with no shoulder.
Now, if you guess that I was:
a. On the Phone
b. Texting
c. Messing with my iPod
d. Messing with the Radio
e. Getting cigarettes
f. Not paying attention.
Then you guessed wrong.

It's truly bizarre, not because it happened or because of the circumstances, just because of the memory loss. But I've been able to work out a general idea of what happened, although I don't remember the exact impact or much of anything after losing control.
So, here's what happened, to the best of my memory:
(Things I can't remember in Bold & Italics)
I was driving down one of the back road with no shoulder that's lined by deep ditches. At some point I see something close to my lane that made me swerve to the right and my right tires went off the ditch.
I panicked and turned into the street, over correcting. I felt myself lose control as I was crossing the road and I turned to my right again. The car spun clockwise out of control and the left side of the vehicle turned back to the ditch I drove into the first time it flipped into the ditch and landed on the hood.
The air bag deployed, probably knock me out for a few seconds. I dunno. I scurried out of my seat down onto the ceiling without undoing my seatbelt and grabbing my compass and my brass case.
I'm guessing while the witness called 9-1-1 (The emergency line, here in the U.S.) I opened my door and walked out onto to the grass.
According to the EMTs, when they arrived I was standing in the grass with my phone in one hand and the compas in another.
They got into the ambulance where they checked me out.
The next thing I knew, after losing control, I was sitting in the ambulance asking what happened. I laughed when I realized I wasn't dreaming. I couldn't remember a damn thing and I found that hysterical.

Emma nearly tore my ass up after she found out. She remembered a couple weeks ago when I burned out as we both pulled out of the church parking lot and guessed I had let my emotions get the best of me. Really fun to get her grouchy sometimes, but I explained myself and she was just happy to know I was fine.

Maria flipped she found out. In fact we were planning to go see Scott Pilgrim this week. Alas with my car totalled I could no longer pick her up and drive her off to Poplar Bluff with me.
So to Plan B: get Eleshia and our friend Jennifer to join us to make it a foursome.... Get your mind out of the gutter.
I would never....
Well, then again I am a single man....
Nope, still wouldn't.

So I really want to see the Scott Pilgrim vs. the World film.
It looks absolutely cute, fun, exciting and funny. So we're on to see it when/if it plays here in Dexter. So fingers crossed. If not, then I'll rent it when it comes out and invite the three over for a movie night.
Either way, I want to hang out with Maria sometimes. I want to hang out Eleshia sometimes. And Jennifer, of course.
Bottom Line: I want to see SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD

Friday, August 20, 2010

Anger in Sixteen minutes.

Today is a good day.
I am going to go receive my last pay check from Faurecia, cash it and then drive out to Malden for business in Sixteen minutes.
First I want to reflect on my past couple weeks and my emotional issues, though.
Given my past two months I been feeling spiritually out of sync, increasingly and acelerated since the last thursday of July, I've been a little undone.
Then driven by the emotional pain of a break up I've become angry.
Anger has always been the one emotion I can't really handle. It is the most powerful of emotions, I think. It gives us the strength to do what what normal would be incapable of doing.
It is also the most negative emotion, and arguably the only true negative emotion.
Depression, after all, is anger turned inward
Sadness is a safe emotion that we release, it helps us know right from wrong and to adapt to changes. Anger fights against Changes.
After losing my job the day after that didn't help the situation.
I wanted to leave, I almost did, I would have.
God has other plans, I believe that.

Upon making a fool of myself and letting my emotions get the best of me (during a rather exciting exit with a Chevy Cobalt), I realized what had happened.
So now, I am not fueling the anger anymore.
Anger blocks logic, love, realism, idealism. It's unhealthy.
I mean, sometimes it's good to get angry about something that needs to change, but don't occupy that with true wrath and rage.
Take poverty, we should all be angry that it exists and that it is unchanging. That's another blog, though.

Anyway, I've been meditating, praying, relaxing and not entertaining anger. The anger I felt had no place or source except pain, when you get right down to it.

The reality is, my life is really good right now.
I have a purpose. I believe that.
I have a small number of close wonderful friends. I trust them.
I have everything I need, for now.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

From the Ashes

Disclaimer: this is a poem I began at a church service during choir piece.

Death by example is death to all.
There is hell to pay for human's fall.
Society fell apart with the sky
and took with it the never-ending why.
So, will we lay back and cry
or will we willingly die?
The angels will fall and their swords will flicker to the earth;
while God's hand, out stretched, he does tire for what it's worth.
Shake not his hand or bicep quiver
or grip weaken and hold severe.
We make like Jonah, speak like Moses.
We have will and our will holds us.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Not my week

So this week has sucked.
I mean, it hurts.
So yesterday I got my Driver's License and so did Emma. Later that day when she stopped by my house we broke up cause her feelings had changed.
I've come to the reality in the past couple years that Love evolves, like everything else in this universe, it is an every changing thing. So I was okay with the fact that her feelings had changed. I knew I hadn't done something wrong and I knew where she was coming from, but it still hurts like hell. Because I still love her and that breaks my heart.
But I'm okay with that, we're still close friends and we have some great conversations. In time my heart will cool down and probably in a few months or a year I'll heal. It's not that big of deal.
I would rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
I am still surprised how well I took it. We even talk for about an hour after we had agreed upon it. I told her truthfully, I was hurt and the Go board would take a bit longer, seeing as I gain my artist inspiration often from a number of muses, her being the one this.
Love, generally speaking, is where I gain my artistic inspiration to paint or draw while pain and intellect is often where I draw my inspiration to write.
As I was fighting my emotions and hold myself together in the moment I was analyzing my emotions. At first I was rather shocked, then I realized I had seen this coming before she left for Germany, then heartbreak set in, the pain sunk as we talk and in time I felt rage. It's an intriguing sensation. I admitted that I was feeling incredibly angry, but I wasn't angry at her or anything in particular. Just Angry.
It will subside of course, but for now, it's interesting. I mean, I want to cry it off, but that's not something I can really do. It's no me.
The worst part of it, really, besides the sadness, is the conflict of feelings. I am okay with the situation, but right now it hurts. I know in due time I'll fine. But there are these moments where I think of something I want to say to her or remind her, then I realize that we don't have that relationship anymore. I'm just still used to it. When I remember things that until noon yesterday were lovely memories are now discontenting.
This is the first time I've really blogged about what I feel when I'm hurt this way so I wanted to address these emotions for posterity.
Alas, here I am, heartbroken and okay with the situation. I'm so weird.
I'm glad we had what we did for as long as we did. It was the best relationship I'd had thus far.
But still, I'm hurt and it's disorienting.

On a lighter note, today started off a bit meloncholy but drifted into a happier scene at work when me and Christina were tossing jokes back and forth at our line. I was told I would work Saturday and Sunday and we joked a bit more.
Then Big Boss Man, who I will now refer to as Mr. David Woods, told me I was terminated. So we took my stuff, clocked me out and told me to leave.
For reference, now that I'm not working there the Boss-Guy was a rather funny, harsh and selfish type name Danny Stoker.
My Favourite lines were Tree City and 2485. The Funner lines were the liners where Chastity, Christina and Myself were grouped at in Mufflers and in 1740, simply because of the humor. Those were also lines were I had a bit better productivity.
I was fired for coming in late once, although I always clocked in early to my knowledge, and missing too many days, even though I had a doctor's excuse after I got a concussion in their factory.
I also was told I'm not a good factory worker, I just don't keep up with the rest. So they didn't need me.

So I lost my love and my job. Not even in a week, but it two days. What the hell?

Hearts heal and love evolves. My love for Emma will evolve into an amazing friendship and I'll heal.

I hated that job with a passion. I mean, I disliked it. The people were great and I'm glad I got to know them while I did.

I'm scholar, not a labourer. That's just what I am. I can work and I work hard, but I wont ever be that good at it.

In conclusion; this week is a fine demonstration that nothing ever goes as planned. Our hearts and minds just need to be braced for impact and we need to go with the flow, because we never know what God, or whatever unstoppable force or probability, has in store for us.
Whether it be a divine unstoppable force at play or just chance and probability, we are not immovable objects. We are human and we are evolving and our lives are ever evolving. We are never static.
While for some of us these concepts are not new, it helps to reminded that we are not suppose to stand still. Life is meant to change, that's why it's interesting.
As a believer in purpose and God, I believe that life is for our benefit, it is a gift, it is for our desires. That is why it is not static.
But you have to be ready for the change.

Spread shalom and may God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Looking back, again

So I'm up late and really tired, about to crawl into bed. But I'm in a moment of creative enlightenment and wanted to get some writing done. Which I have finished and now I want to leave you with my thoughts.
I'm almost 19 years old. That's a bit unfathomable for me. I mean, I consider 100 years to be a short period of time. But the past three years alone have been massive.
Nearly three years ago I turn sixteen, I lost my father, I lost a lot things and gain new understanding. I fell in and out of love, became cognizant of what my father tried to teach me in his life, I made a ton of bad choices. But it lead me here.
It wasn't too long ago, but it feels like most of my life took place in those three years.
And now, I'm dating a sixteen year old, working in a factory, trying to get my driver's license and still writing that darn book from two and half years ago.

A lot of it has to do with my memory loss, or at least my ability to recollect. I don't remember what life was before 2008.
I remember flashes and occasional patterns. Like my Father's routines or his lessons and the monark butterfly whom I attribute his greatest lesson to. The cats. That one Christmas morning I got my Millenium Falcon model. Waking up, dressing in a suit for church only to realize it was Saturday. My Mother playing the Piano in our Dinning Room in Chesapeake. My Birth-mom, Barb, at the front door leaving or coming in. The black out shades in the guest bedroom where my Dad would sleep before the night shifts at the jail.

But Life in general, I can not grasp it anymore. It is unordered. confusing.

I've always had a knack for remembering odd dates, though.
I believe it was April 14, 2002 when my dad fell off a ladder.
The date November 25, 2006 rings a bell.
May 12, 2010 I kissed Emma.
Friday the 13th of May 2009, I was unpacking somethings and stuck superman poster to my wall of everything.
January 23, 2008 I told Jennifer Lynch that I liked her as more than a friend at the time.
June 6, 2010 reads in my head as 6600 and is the day me and Emma were dating for six months even. I didn't have the original date memorized until did the math.
December 24, 1995.
March, 2002 I went to see Ice Age with my Birth-mom, Barb.

A little weird, I know.

So I leave with that. I need sleep.
I take the driver's test in the morning.
I also leave you with the music below.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Jacking to one's own voice

So today was a lovely day at work. I passed out from the heat just before lunch, but I got back on the line and work very quickly.
Then the Big boss man moved me to the back in a place called tree city where I worked until 3/1500 when I left.

I got to call Emma today, which was was oddly calming. Though only for a few minutes as her father was coming home and she hadn't seen him yet, apparently, since her return.
For reference, Sunday she returned from Germany, arrived in Memphis and sent me a Text that made me almost fall on my back, while I was in a chair.

So last wednesday, I was working a rather fun line when a group of people who just kept laughing. It was the hottest day thus far and we were being both productive keeping each other's morale on high. Until I slipped on the oil and slammed the back of my head into a metal switch board.
I got up and, because the part I had been rigorously trying to remove from my machine had hit my head, went to the nurse to get the scratch on my face bandaged.
I got back on the line, dizzy as hell, and worked the rest of the day. Until I fell out from the heat, and after I came too and cooled off the room would not top spinning enough for me to maintain balance.
So in the end I was sent home.
Thursday I woke up and hit off my alarm and I was floored. I sat for thirty minutes on my floor unable to stand up. I could not maintain any balance. I could barely sit up. So I called into work and said I was going to the clinic.
My doctor (Somers, I think) said I hada minor concussion that was directly effecting the "Otoliths" or something. He compared it to an internal gyroscope.
So he kept me out of work until Monday.
And today I pass out. Lovely.
I still have a head ache though....

On another note. YAY CALIFORNIA! It's over at last!
I have to say, I applaud the Governator.
I know, I'm late on the celebration of the end of Prop.8, but I've been distracted by all sorts of stuff. Either way, still very happy.
I'm still waiting for national equality, though.
Either way, I say to all of you:
No matter what.
Race, Sex, Sexuality, Nationality, Heritage. So long as you are proud and stand up for equality, you will eventually see it.
Then again, I am a starry-eyed idealist.

Last Friday I met with my friend, Shane, and we hung out for a while, drove to Cape for Sushi, talked for a while about everything (which was really refreshing) and he stayed the night before going back to Bloomfield. So we watched Burn Notice until like 0400.
It was a lot of fun.
Shane is the kind of guy who is very proud of who he is. We sat and talked abotu all sorts of things, about our lives, our loves, our agreements, our disagreements.
Sometimes it's just good to enjoy a good meal and talk to one of your closest friends about everything. So refreshing. Especially with food as refreshing sushi.

So this was random. I'm going to sleep.
Then I'm going to work. Maybe after that I'll get a call from Emma. Maybe I'll get attacked explosively by an Eleshia. Maybe I'll just relax.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Short and sweet.

So I've started a new job a week ago to today, but today I was too sick and too weak to actually go. So I stayed home. I figure this gives me time to work on the Go Board, write the music I'd been wanting to start and also write a blog I'd been waiting to do.

My Job has had be working nine hour shifts as an auto-welder on the factory floor for seven days. Not extremely hard work, really. It's easy, but engaging. You have to think about it, cause if you mess up you ruin a good converter and that will make your set up guy more than a little upset.
If you f-up the machine then my superviser might kick me out.
So far I like my job. The Big boss man is cool and seems to push ambition. The Mr. boss-guy is funny, but he's a "no B.S." kind of guy. The set up guy is really good at teaching.
On my second day Big Boss Man told I would start auto-welding on my line permanently so on my third day I started. On Sunday I told my Boss Guy on the floor that I'd doing this and he upgraded me to Class 4, I think.
Either way, I got a twenty cent increase on my hourly wage and I like that.

So last night I was really nauseated and throw up a few times and didn't go to work. But this afternoon I feel a lot better. I ate something after I got some ragtime and around two I went to go buy my car. It's bright red and it's a chevy! It's perfect. Handles perfectly.
I really like it.

This morning, too, since i was home I got to chat with my Girlfriend, who has been in Germany visiting family. Said she's a having a good time. That was nice. I miss her, but working makes it feel like a lot more time has passed since last Friday. (7/23/10)

Though I try not talk about my relationship and mechanics of it too often on my blog, I am happy with her right now. I mean, I avoid the subject because I try to respect the privacy of her and everyone in my life who I may or may not refer to in my blogs. Hence my comments like "Just funny" or my recently out Bi friend who's name I haven't said.
It's kind of hard, really. This is about my feelings and I have lot towards the people in my life, especially Emma. So I have to think about what I want to say, what the other people might not want me to say and how I can work with both factors and still say what I want.
It's like my admittance of sexual frustrations. Yes, they exist. Yes, my relationship kind of adds to it. No, I wouldn't have it any other way. But that's all about me. It doesn't tell you exactly what it's about, or why I'm saying it. lol
But in short, I like what I have with her. I'm not afraid to say that. I like it a lot.
Feelings are hard for me, for anyone. I try to state what I feel and that in turn give me release. Calms me.
I try to do what calms my spirit, or quells the disquiet in my mind.
Like talking about my feelings, my cogitations, my theories in a blog. Keeping as few secrets about myself as possible. Staying open about what, who and why I am so that I don't have to worry. Taking long walks to think, imagine. Writing a story so unlike our own. Telling my friends what I think about their situations, being honest even when it's counterintuitive. Kissing Emma for one slow second. Standing in the middle of a cotton field and letting the breeze go by without even a thought of what's real. Laughing about something serious or just analyzing an aspect of humanity with my best friend, Rusty. Enjoying the silence. Creating something with my hands.
Those are all primal to me.
I think it's something I get from my Dad. He was an interesting one. He had this routine in the morning of waking up, going out the backdoor and driving to a local Gas Station to talk to the ladies who worked there as well as the truck drivers. He'd often be the one who reset the coffee machine cause it was jsut time when he came in. Then after those laughs he take his coffe home and sit on the back porch in the silence and read the paper and pet the kitty cats. He was a simple with a simple needs. He just needed to love his wife and children, that's all he wanted and that's what he got.
He also made carved and burnt canes. He never sold them, because he saw his tallent as a gift from God to use as a gift to others. He had a single cane of his own he called his Walking Talking Stick that we would joke is a totem pole, cause it told the story of his life. He added a carving for every aspect of his life. His Marriage, the Air Force, the Fire Department, the Sheriff's Department, Ballroom Dancing and at the bottom was his foundation, Jesus Christ.
He loved to do things that quieted his spirit. He would over-work himself in the garden during the hottest days in summer because he enjoyed it. He made that walking stick as both of testimony and something that calmed his mind. He loved those cats as I did, they were a reminder of God's grace. He had routine, as I have mine.
Routines are interesting. I'm gaining a new one with my Job, actually.
I wake up everyday at about 0415 when I get up and put on three pairs of socks and my boots, I turn on a show I like and eat breakfast, make a sandwich, fill up my water bottles and walk to work. When I get home, I take a cold shower, I sit back and work on the board then I try to find something to do before I eat and sleep again.
Routines are interesting, they show our quirks. Quirks are fun.

Brent Matthew Lillard