Friday, August 13, 2010

Not my week

So this week has sucked.
I mean, it hurts.
So yesterday I got my Driver's License and so did Emma. Later that day when she stopped by my house we broke up cause her feelings had changed.
I've come to the reality in the past couple years that Love evolves, like everything else in this universe, it is an every changing thing. So I was okay with the fact that her feelings had changed. I knew I hadn't done something wrong and I knew where she was coming from, but it still hurts like hell. Because I still love her and that breaks my heart.
But I'm okay with that, we're still close friends and we have some great conversations. In time my heart will cool down and probably in a few months or a year I'll heal. It's not that big of deal.
I would rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
I am still surprised how well I took it. We even talk for about an hour after we had agreed upon it. I told her truthfully, I was hurt and the Go board would take a bit longer, seeing as I gain my artist inspiration often from a number of muses, her being the one this.
Love, generally speaking, is where I gain my artistic inspiration to paint or draw while pain and intellect is often where I draw my inspiration to write.
As I was fighting my emotions and hold myself together in the moment I was analyzing my emotions. At first I was rather shocked, then I realized I had seen this coming before she left for Germany, then heartbreak set in, the pain sunk as we talk and in time I felt rage. It's an intriguing sensation. I admitted that I was feeling incredibly angry, but I wasn't angry at her or anything in particular. Just Angry.
It will subside of course, but for now, it's interesting. I mean, I want to cry it off, but that's not something I can really do. It's no me.
The worst part of it, really, besides the sadness, is the conflict of feelings. I am okay with the situation, but right now it hurts. I know in due time I'll fine. But there are these moments where I think of something I want to say to her or remind her, then I realize that we don't have that relationship anymore. I'm just still used to it. When I remember things that until noon yesterday were lovely memories are now discontenting.
This is the first time I've really blogged about what I feel when I'm hurt this way so I wanted to address these emotions for posterity.
Alas, here I am, heartbroken and okay with the situation. I'm so weird.
I'm glad we had what we did for as long as we did. It was the best relationship I'd had thus far.
But still, I'm hurt and it's disorienting.

On a lighter note, today started off a bit meloncholy but drifted into a happier scene at work when me and Christina were tossing jokes back and forth at our line. I was told I would work Saturday and Sunday and we joked a bit more.
Then Big Boss Man, who I will now refer to as Mr. David Woods, told me I was terminated. So we took my stuff, clocked me out and told me to leave.
For reference, now that I'm not working there the Boss-Guy was a rather funny, harsh and selfish type name Danny Stoker.
My Favourite lines were Tree City and 2485. The Funner lines were the liners where Chastity, Christina and Myself were grouped at in Mufflers and in 1740, simply because of the humor. Those were also lines were I had a bit better productivity.
I was fired for coming in late once, although I always clocked in early to my knowledge, and missing too many days, even though I had a doctor's excuse after I got a concussion in their factory.
I also was told I'm not a good factory worker, I just don't keep up with the rest. So they didn't need me.

So I lost my love and my job. Not even in a week, but it two days. What the hell?

Hearts heal and love evolves. My love for Emma will evolve into an amazing friendship and I'll heal.

I hated that job with a passion. I mean, I disliked it. The people were great and I'm glad I got to know them while I did.

I'm scholar, not a labourer. That's just what I am. I can work and I work hard, but I wont ever be that good at it.

In conclusion; this week is a fine demonstration that nothing ever goes as planned. Our hearts and minds just need to be braced for impact and we need to go with the flow, because we never know what God, or whatever unstoppable force or probability, has in store for us.
Whether it be a divine unstoppable force at play or just chance and probability, we are not immovable objects. We are human and we are evolving and our lives are ever evolving. We are never static.
While for some of us these concepts are not new, it helps to reminded that we are not suppose to stand still. Life is meant to change, that's why it's interesting.
As a believer in purpose and God, I believe that life is for our benefit, it is a gift, it is for our desires. That is why it is not static.
But you have to be ready for the change.

Spread shalom and may God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

1 comment:

  1. Actually, the last TWO or so weeks sucked, but you somehow remained ignorant of that fact until yesterday.

    I know nothing of your former job other than that I was pleased to hear you had finally pursued one. Other than that, I rely on your own words, the description of your short career at the factory. Consider the following:

    a) In the first two weeks of employment, you missed roughly half of your work days due to two separate illnesses. Your PUBLIC description of the time spent during your job absences boils down to: having some time to take care of personal projects you have been working on, hanging out with friends, taking a road trip to Cape for sushi, and participating in an all-night movie marathon. Not your standard recuperation.
    b) For the most part, your public description of the work consists of “working a rather fun line when a group of people who just kept laughing,” and “tossing jokes back and forth at our line”. Not the description I would expect from someone working on a DANGEROUS line, with less than a week’s experience. Not the description that would make a supervisor comfortable. Not a description that an adult would deem prudent to post PUBLICLY.

    These words and others indicate to me (partly from their content, and partly from the mere fact that they are public) why this job was doomed. Your own words indicate that you were not fired for showing up late once. Your own words indicate that you were not fired for missing days due to a concussion. Could it be that you were fired because you chose to work the job you wanted, rather than the job you agreed to when hired?

    The quote from your blog is probably the most illuminating of all:

    “I'm scholar, not a labourer. That's just what I am. I can work and I work hard, but I wont ever be that good at it.”

    Disturbing on a few levels. If nothing else, that quote should be insulting to any true scholar. I could go on and on about that quote. But as a suggestion, if I struck anything on this blog from public view, it would be this quote. Advertising this viewpoint may almost certainly remove you from consideration for any legitimate job offer, scholarship or promotion.

    You were just fired from a job that you consider “Not extremely hard work, really. It's easy, but engaging.” That should invoke some soul searching. You were more than capable of keeping such a self-described job. It is my opinion that you decided the job was not worth keeping.

    I’m not preaching here. But I believe that we all need honesty. This is my honest opinion. There is no malice, there is no judgment. There is simply the belief that you deserve honesty. I owe you this out of my respect for you as a person, out of my sense of community, and my Christian obligation to offer help to those in need. And I feel you need it. . . If you feel otherwise, I understand. If you are offended . . . that is not my intent.
    You are a talented kid, and I honestly wish you the best in the future.