Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Eleventh Commandment

Thou shalt not buy an iPad.
No, I will happily buy one if I ever have the money to spare. However, if I were designing a competing tablet, I'd name said tablet the Eleventh Commandment. Complete with all the fixings of 3G/4G, gyroscopes, accelerometers and likely a non-phone adaptation of Android if I could so get away with it.
In a more serious note, I think the Eleventh Commandment is demonstrate love to all life, humanity and forms of intelligence.

Bless all forms of intelligence.
50 points to anyone who gets that reference.

So, I am in a good mood these days. My relationship is going great, her and I happily snuck her out a couple nights ago and hung out for a couple of hours, just talking really. A failed trip to MacDonalds (which was blasphemously closed before 0100) led to us just relaxing until I took her home.
Speaking of which, I want a sweet tea. A little known fact about me is that I always drink my tea unsweet, a trait I got from watching my dad which I grew to very much enjoy. I think unsweet tea is very refreshing. Sugar weighs me down, I feel. Very odd. But once in a while I get a craving for sweet tea and this is one of those times.
Luckily no one woke up to notice she was gone, leaving or coming back. YAY!
On a slight guy rant, I have to say that it's nice being able to lay down beside a girl and hold her close and just relax.
I live for the relaxing moments as much I live for the unexpected ones. Those moments when time itself does not stand still but doesn't matter anyway. But it's just calm, no storm, no after worry. Just calm.
I'm a paranoid type. I've been taken advantage of and lied to so many times I worry about things I shouldn't when I have something or someone that makes me happy, so that calm just lifts the paranoia and pressure away.

Girls are soft. Very soft. I like the soft. In contrast, I like the firm touch of a guy. Get your mind of the gutter! I mean, I have a friend who is bisexual and likes softer guys, likes them a little squishy around the edges. Not my thing, not at all. But then again, I like girls who have curves. There IS such thing as a girl who's too skinny. Now if you take in my last four girlfriends you would note that they are all curved in a very nice fashion. Mind you, I aim for spiritual and personal connections more than physical ones, seeing as I am who I am. Being who I am, this not a huge issue.
But in conclusion, girls are soft. I like soft. I also like curves... and hips. Ha ha.
On that note, I have to link the latest Questionable Content post by Jeph Jacques:

So recently my Mother-Unit and I were going through the garage and discovered some things we've yet to unpack since moving. Like my old star wars toys, which I am saving to make a retro/vintage star wars wall in a few years (when 90s becomes vintage). And my first baseball, something I have protected since I located in when I was nine after moving the to Suffolk, Va. And I located a stack of my PlayStation 2 games I'd been looking for for a couple of months. So this week I've been kind of dedicated to playing my PS2 for about 3 hours a day beating each game in it's entirety. Ace Combat 5, which I've shelved again as of today. James Bond: Nightfire.
But what I'm excited about is Ace Combat 4: Shattered Skies. Five years ago something happened to the disc, something which I've yet to diagnos, that kept it from even loading the title screen. So I shelved it after a year of trying to use it. Well, Tuesday I found it and wiped it down and popped it in and BOOM! I hear the chorus: "I have so far to go" and it's loading! So I nailed all the levels in two days, with plenty of breaks. I have a life. I'm just really good at those games. But what salts the wound is that I can't load the last level. I've beaten all 17 levels but the last one wont load. Mind you that the last level is the easiest for me to play because when I was thirteen and still victim to the effects of my asbergers syndrome I would spend hours upon hours end playing that level. Now, after a dedicated four hours of game play spread out over two days, I can't even load the last and easiest level...... And it has an epic operatic electronic music inspired by Mozart's Requiem of Agnus Dei and Rex Tremendae too! (Of couse being the geek that I am I already have the soundtrack to the game on iTunes.)
But it's the gratification of playing a game through and beating it. Not even that, though! It's the story of the game. A beautiful story! Which is why I love the games so much. They have a challenge and good game play and beautiful story and thought our universe.
But geek rant over!
I just found that kind of annoying that I get my favourite game to work then the last level dies on me.

On another funnier note, I was directed to an extremely gay music video the other day by a friend. While generally and overly homosexual and grotesque in it's crude humour, which I don't really care for, it lead me to discovering a music artist whom I now very much want to hear more of. He produces dance and club music, has done a number of awesome covers and is ripped, has graying hair and sharp facial features. I did a general search, like I always do for musical artists I discover and Colton Ford happens to be a former same-sex adult film actor. A gay porn star.
Now, I don't have a problem with this! You know, that's a paying job. He's since become a musical artist, he's very easy of the eyes and even more so on the ears.
I just thought it was hysterical, I broke into laughter when I read that.
Point is, I found a cover he did of the R.E.M. song, "Losing My Religion" and it has a super trippy music video, which I will include below at the end of the blog for those of you who read my blog via RSS or on the blogSpot.

Thank you kindly for reading and may God Bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Because that's fair

So last night me and my "Lover" went to the town fair and it turned out to be a lot of fun.
We met up with some friends and through out the evening kept adding to group until we meandering from ride to exhibit to ride again in a posse.
We rode a number of rides, watched the silliest (and dirtiest?) puppet show ever and talked about the usual teenage quirks. Immaturity, sexuality, cigarettes and grace.
The lot of us ran into a lot friends hither and dither and by the end of the night we were making boob jokes, talking knives, laughing and eating the free food that the closing venders kept throwing at us. Oh, apparently the mystery of my dimensions was the subject of great wonder.
Which dimension? ... Do I need to draw you a diagram? Think, lower extremities.
But yes, it was all good fun and hysterical laughter.
I had this great conversation with our friend Conner about what it feels like to flip a 2009 Dodge Cobalt at 50 miles an hour while riding ride that introduce very similar forces of physics.
I also bought a new spring-action knife, which me and Conner discovered doubles as a bayonet, ironically. (Will stick a picture on Flickr, Brent Matthew Lillard)
My babe and I enjoyed a big ol' funnel cake while mocking a puppet show's hidden innuendos (like one does to children fairytales).
Finally met an individual I'd heard so much about who was quite funny and interesting. Of course I met a number of people I hope to see again. So all is good.
When it was all said and done, her, I and the lot all climbed into cars headed to our respective homes.
Then I had this big phone discussion with her about whether or not I'm a faithful because some jokes I had made at the fair.
Seriously? Me? Unfaithful?
It's me.
Though, I could understand her concern. I'm different most guys, I think differently, I try my hardest not be the stereotype and be a good person an good partner. But people just don't expect that from a guy, I guess.
We went on for like an hour or two discussing my mentality and discussing the evening.
I mean, I can understand. I mean there was this one girl who was obviously coming onto me rather strongly and it was making me very uncomfortable every time we ended up standing alone.
Don't get me wrong, very cute girl and very funny. But I like the person I have. My relationships mean something to me and I'm not going to give something that's important to me, or risk it.
And she knows that, so we came to a point where we saw eye to eye and she knows she can trust me.
The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. I'm not like most guys, the other girls don't look prettier to me. I like who I have just the way they are.

Trust is very important.
Whether it be a business, social, family or romantic context. Trust is most important.
I try to always be honest. Obviously, I shoot for a higher level of transparency than most, given the fact I write a public blog.
I mean, yes, I have my secrets and things I just don't talk about. I'm in the family room closet. I don't talk about bathroom humour, even in the family where that seems to be the subject of thanksgivings supper. Wow.
I even had an online discussion with Aunt this morning. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I could trust her, because of arguments and disagreements we've had in our past. However, I quickly saw what was really on her mind and that she wasn't intent of pulling the veil of one of the few things I hide from just a few people.
I believe I can trust her and because of this, event hough we haven't exactly hit it off in the past few years, I think this will certainly help our relationship grow.

I have said time and time again that we fear what we don't understand. Trust is the opposite of that, it's believing in something you don't have to understand. Faith.
With faith comes growth and from growth comes understanding.
I like to think I'm wiser than most people my age, that I see things on a different plain. That's only because I refuse to fear what can hurt me.
"Fear is the path to the dark side: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." - Yoda, Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Thank you for reading,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, September 20, 2010

A bloggers REAL nightmare.

Okay, you remember my ex-girlfriend? Wonderful young woman, I loved her for a time. She's a good friend, fun and interesting, ect.
Well, I'm a parent impresser. I try to the best of my ability to be a gentleman, respect their wishes, introduce myself and be a generally good guy. Whether they know it or not, I try to. I value parents and their wishes and I try to get on their good side so that they'll understand that I'm not the usual dude.
Usual dude being the heterosexual male who just want to get into a girl's pants.
I want a person's mind and spirit and heart, I want to be a good friend. It's my nature.
So, I tried to impress.
But I found out tonight that Emma's parents had been stalking my blog!
Holy crap!
I write about everything short of bathroom humor on here!
During the time of hour relationship I wrote about Gay Rights, same-sex marriage, my considerably ambiguous outlook on the Christian faith, DADT and why I hate it, my sexuality and preference, the fact I have participated in some minor illegal activity and even the fact that I was sexually frustrated, because I never made out with her.
Clearly stating that I wasn't in it for that, but merely at odds with my sexual emotions. Even so, that's an enemy maker for fathers. I've been shot at by a father who's made something out of less. (Story later)
Believe me, I want to get on a father's good side. I want to impress. I want them to know I'm not like most idiots. I suppress my teenaged angst. I'm in it for the comfort of being with someone and I care about and knowing that someone feels the same for me.
WOW! And as Emma would say, "With Hands Signs"!
That would explain the mixed up energy I felt every time I shook hands with that man. Even last Wednesday when he nearly took out Jennifer to shake my hand, there was that energy.
I'm a good guy, I know this. I give myself a lot of crap because. like most guys, I'm a sexually frustrated teenager and I most of the time that IS on my mind. Because I can be selfish. Because I od have vicious mood swings and I can get really angry. But I'm a good guy, I know this. I take pride in this.
However, if you've been paying attention, my blog is an enemy maker to any girlfriend's parents in this part of the united states. Openly Bisexual, I talk about my sexual persona, I mock God and Jesus from time to time, I talk about girls as very nice looking and very nice to hold close to. Not to mention, I'm generally a bitch wagon in my blog and I don't censor my language in this blog. I drop the F-bomb to punctuate my sentences if I have to.
OH man! Blogger's worst nightmare.
But, it's fine. I can only hope that wisdom and firm judgement is made and can see my true intentions.
After all, I've spoken of my bisexuality, but I don't want to rub it in people face. I talk about it because it's a part of me, I can't control that. I just like guys the same way I like girls. So I want to spread the understanding that it is what it is. That I don't see it as evil, but as beautiful.
And I want to study about God, and be a man of God. I want to understand the world around me from a philosophical perspective and be able to explain what I see to those who might want to know. So if I question God or mock the church, I want to do it here and I want people to hear it.
And this is my life blog, I talk about everything I feel. My emotions, my care, my need and want to help others. And to learn and study. So I try to question reality in my blogs, to admit things that most people wouldn't to the public. Everyone feels the same things, I just like to make it open and not a secret, because I don't like secrets. If I love someone, I'm going to admit it. If I'm angry I'm going to analyze it. If I'm sexual confused by a girl or a guy, I'm going to talk about it here.
Hell, I made out with the person I'm with today. Guess what? That's not an unusual thing! I'm just not afraid to admit that I would, but I have the common courtesy not to do so in public.
And if by some strange chance they happen to come across this blog, then they probably think I'm full of crap and that I'm just trying to cover my tracks.
But honestly, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I am without shame. I live for humanity. I want to understand it, I want to help any of it's kind that need it and I want to analyze my own humanity. Then I live for God.
I try to impress because I don't want to be stereotyped as the usual guy. That's the reason I write this blog. Also, because it helps me think about things, it helps me understand what I have learned and what I experience.
Who care, honestly? I want to know. Please tell me! Who cares that I'm one of a billion out of the closet people in this world? One of several billion bisexuals, I'm sure. Who cares that I was a little at odds with myself because I'm teenager and I wanted to make out with my girlfriend at the time? What matters is I didn't pressure her when my body said I should. Who cares that I don't keep secrets that are my own? It makes me much less of a mysterious and interesting person, because I'm quite normal. Who cares that that my ex's parents read my blog while we were together? I don't. I wont lose sleep over it. If a reader, ANYONE, does not have the judgement and wisdom to believe in my true disposition, then tough luck. Humans are scared of what they don't understand.

Black people were slaves and thought of as sub-human in America for a long time before the civil rights movement truly made ground. Now, we have a black president. Not the best, but we could do so much worse.
The jews were hunted down by an angry Germany surrounding an Austrian politician who hated his own bloodline. The Nazis were defeated and since then, Israel is claimed by the Israeli people who lived there over 1500 years ago.
Witches and Wiccan believers were hunted for ages, because of the fear of magic. Slaughtered.
LGBTQ individuals used to be thought of by the Psychiatric society as insane and were treated with torturous methods. Even today this goes on. Today, I want to be one of millions of voices trying to equality. Not because I chose this, but because I am this. I can't change it, I've tried.

But if one does understand, than one should realize I'm harmless. I want to harmless. I like being harmless.
Still, I laughed my bottom off when I heard the story. lol

Rant End,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I have a "Lover"? Ugh... Blogger's Nightmare.

For those of you who need to make fun of the cliché in the title, go the comments sections and have a ball. Throw the book at me! I don't mind the credit. Ha ha ha!

Well, I am now seeing someone. Yes, I have a quick bounce back time, I'm a water sign. I adapt quickly to change and go with the flow, but I attach myself to others very much so as an unfortunate side effect. The latter is beside the point!
Now, because of the difficulties of being a live blogger and knowing for sure that there a small number who read this, I am not going to say her name out of respect of her opinions.
Being a nerd who has, on several very confusing occasions, been called hot and attractive, this day was sure to come that I would meet someone who finds me speaking directly of them on the public domain somewhat discommodious.
Every life blogger's worst nightmare, yes? I spend an hour or two every few days typing out about what I find important in life or just the rigamarole of everyday like and I can't include in it a part of my life that I find very important.

Well, she's cool, though. She don't mind me talking so much as I don't through out her full name. She's super cute, beautiful, shy, flamboyant as all get out, fun hang out with, interesting, honest. A real winner. Of course I don't choose losers as you well know, if you're been paying attention.
We spend a lot of time together, like fair amount of the same things. We both agree on the things that count like honesty, faith in one another, making things count, having a free spirt, gay rights.
She has a total free spirit. It's like a splash of colour on a black and white canvas, mind you I like black and white painting, but I like something unexpected. I like living because you never know what comes next. I suppose that comes with being a water sign and being quick to adapt.
I don't know what music she's directly into, yet. She like just about everything, but everyone has a vice. But still a lot to come.
And for the sake of full disclosure and adding a bit of jocularity. She's a good kisser. Always a plus.

So anyway in other news.
I'm looking for a job and, gods, do I need one. The good news is I got my money back from insurance and bought a new car. Chevy Impala, sort of an off white. Cheapest car on the lot that was worth paying anything for.
The trouble with it is I dented it parking lot because I'm used to having a larger car. The Cobalt is tiny, the Impala has like two feet atleast on it. Which really throws me off.

Anyway, rant over.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Technophobic rant

So as you all know, if you've been paying attention, I'm a big supporter of the open. Like blogs, the commons, most of Google's work, open-source, anything that isn't own by Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerblower. I'm a big believer in the internet, technology and the works and if you're determined enough I believe anyone could find out just about anything about me, as pretty much every outlet I have on the web is open and public, save my home address due to my flatmate on any given occasion.
My facebook is public, youtube used to be regularly updated and is still public, I life blog. I frakking write publicly everything from my political standpoint (LGBTQ Pride, WOO!) to my favourite music (Placebo) to whether or not I like oral sex (duh). However, I respect those I care about and their privacy, so I don't blab about everyone else in my life unless I under the influence that they would approve.
But what you've probably missed is I'm a bit of a technophobe.
I've always preferred older technology like landlines telephones to the ever terrible audio compression in Cell Phones, Vinal records to CDS, old fashioned portable radios to the portable CD players of the last decade. Don't like GPS, prefer maps or a compass. I hate texting and there are very few people I like texting to. I prefer to make phone calls. Even e-mails give me the willies.
Now most of this isn't direct fear, per se. I just like older stuff, but there are soem directions that technology is going that just annoy me. The Government for example tracks everything that everyone does on the web, in theory. Which is why I choose to be public, along with my no-secrets mentality.
It's not a secret and I know as it stands, right now, it's not a vicious thing. It's a protective thing and understandably so. As the people of the 21st century our society would become paralyzed if the internet went down. Can you imagine the economic downfall if the internet crashed for more than a day?
Just some food for thought.
Rant over, onto our next Tragedy.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Feeling, nice?

So I perceive my reality mostly through feeling and literal tactile sensory. I mean, I'm charismatic, I can voice things that used to find very difficult to explain. This comes from a few years of practice and trying to instill hope in those i care about. I'm certainly visual, when it comes to attraction I had specific visual taste. Cut Girls, soft guys. I like black guys, eastern european or hispanic girls. There are aspects of the visual that are programmed into me, like anyone.
But when it gets right down to it, I memorize everything I feel. The way it feels to kiss one person or the forces at work when my car lost control last week before the memory loss. It's the primary sense to me. I mean, I can't remember my Dad's voice and my vision is tainted by colour blindness and an astigmatism.
I yearn for those moments. Those moments where my hands on her hips or upon his torso. Where my arm is around my friend. When I can take the hand of the person who I have on some level connected with.
The way about fifty people's hair feels. The texture, the length. The way it felt that gave it away the fact it was over the last time I kissed Emma. The feeling of flipping my car over, when I don't remember it all. The stagnant air when I watched my dad die. To be blunt, the thoughts when an ex from way back was on her knees. The pain of a broken heart that I subconsciously wont let go of, even though I'm having new feelings for new people. The way the ground dipped beneath my feet six years ago when I was contemplating the meaning of Jesus when I was thirteen. The sting of three deadly syringe needles entering my neck. The cold gleam of metal against my jaw. Eleshia's head on my shoulder a little over a year ago in New Mexico. A young woman reading my palm in my old church. The feeling of the wind when I spoke to Susan for the first time. The satisfaction of reaching the top of that Plateau in New Mexico and the unique nature of the air. The gentleness of a sharpened knife cutting into my skin. The way the rock felt against my hand as I followed Candice onto the summit of that small mountain.
Everything for me is about contact.
I'm the type of guy who can express my feelings in words, but I don't want to. I'd rather hold hands with the person who is mine for the time. I'd rather hug those who I care about, place my hand on the person who I know is hurting.
I mean, a clean and honest kiss or and slow random dance when no one's looking is more of an I love you than the words, in my opinion.
The emotions, thoughts, dispositions I can feel when I'm touching someone is much more clear and true to reality that what I can see in their body language or hear in their voice and words.
Shaking hands with someone is always a milestone in my mind, it demonstrates a level of trust and respect and I wont forget it anytime soon.
I don't know if all people perceive things this way, but I do. Whether it makes me unique or whether it makes me the same, it definitely makes me human. If it's unique, I suppose my A.D.D. has something to do with it. Seeing as my mind moves so fast I can't focus on anything I see or hear long enough to remember it. But touch and feeling is primal. It's right there with Emotion and inner-feelings. Even my thoughts aren't that clear, as there are billions.
When I dream, the clearest thing I can always remember is that I can feel pain, intense pain, in my dreams. Like stabbed in the leg with a scalpel pain, but worse.
When I dream, it's always really real. I call it hyper-real. It's so real and the scenarios always make sense, unless I'm a little distraught, then my dreams become very metaphorical. Built of memory. Mostly memory of feeling, cause visual they get weird when I'm emotional.
I mean, just a few days ago I dreamed the car accident on a Virginia road, but the road ran into a brick wall and the car was crushed. I flew through the windshield. But instead of hitting the wall, my hands landed on the hips of my latest ex. Mind you this is very unnerving as I never have dreams of this nature and when they are like this I never see people I actually know in them except maybe my Dad or someone very obscure. But no sooner do I kiss the said ex, because in a dream that's what you do, does the five foot wonder burst into a cloud of black smoke that smells like weld and oil and I'm standing on a conveyer belt controlled by the obscure former co-worker Christina. Which really confuses me, cause I don't remember any conveyer belts at Arvin, nor do I see her as effective to the metaphor as say David, my former set up.
But now I've gone off subject.
I mean, I'm also ver visual, too. Like I said, I have that which I am attracted too. Even go for the androgynous appearance. But I only remember fragments of things I've seen. Even now, the memory of the way my Dad's eyes were still blue when he was dying is fading away. I can't remember the house I grew up at up until 9-11. I'm terrible with faces.
Anyway, enough self analyzing. Time to post this thing.

Oh! Also in a side note. Because I haven't really acknowledged it publicly: it's really old news and I found out about it like a few weeks ago right in the middle of This Week in Google, but I just want to say thank God for the lifting of Prop 8 in California. If the most liberal state in the union can't allow same sex marriage then our country doesn't have nay hope. So I'm glad to see the people come to their senses. I almost want to grab a boy while I'm out there and just marry him and get a divorce just because I can, but I would never do that. Marriage is a sacred bond between two loving partners and it's meant to last. It'll be a miracle if I ever fall that much in love. I like bouncing off the walls of reality too much.

Brent Matthew Lillard