Thursday, November 25, 2010

Annoyances of the church.....

So, if you will bare with my theological examination, I heard a teacher in a church of a conservative denomination recently speak of a time when Israel reigned hell on another ancient civilization some thousands of years of years ago. THis other society was a corrupt and cowardly society that would attack Israel when the armies were away and steal from the elderly, women and children.
In the stories, God said to destroy the entire society. The first time, the isrealis left the children alive. So generations later, under a new name, he civilization continued reigning terror on Israel's weak.
So in one fell swoop of genocide, Israel wiped t he civilization of the face of the earth and there hasn't been mention of the society since.

Now, in context, I understand that those were primitive times where entire societies were born and destroyed constantly. I mean, today if we are attacked by another Nation, it is only natural that we invade to quell the source before our people are further harmed. So, while not at all moral, it is logical that genocide was chosen, because they had learned from their past experiences.

So upon asking him about God being a loving god, he responded in saying that "God loved the israeli's more than the other people."
I wasn't convinced.
Jesus and his followers believed that God was love. Genesis describes God mostly as a creator who loved all he created. They followers of Jesus spread their faith among gentiles, because they believed, as I do, that God loves every in the same quantity.
I myself see love as a constant, but that as humans we see it's many forms and try to quantify it as such

That being said, I don't think God plays favourites. God loves me as much he loves the meth dealer in Bernie and as much as he loves the Atheists who thinks I'm clinically delusional.
God loves the Buddhists as much as the Muslims as much as the Hebrew.
But that's just my beliefs and my beliefs do not require you to believe.

Much love,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Ooooh the Glasses.....

So I need new glasses, because my prescription has changed dramatically. It's only fitting that in the last week or so I've misplaced them in the jungle paradise that is my room. (Imagine mid 1960s Vietnam forestry)
On the subject of glasses and the 1960s, I watch an internet podcasting show by Revision3 called ByteJacker in which the community leaves video comments and is very active amongst themselves. Recently I returned from my absence and left a video comment with my hair let out and one my friends, Joe Larson of, stated that my hair reminded him on John Lennon. Also, that if I got some circle lens glasses and married an asian I'd by Lennon incarnate. Of course, that last part was a joke, but it got me thinking!
You see, I've become a big fan of the late and great John Lennon and I've always wanted a pair of circular glasses even before I knew who he was. So, partly out of curiosity and as a joke I took a picture of myself and then took it to GIMP on my mac and superimposed a pair of Lennon style spectacles upon my face and not only did it come very realistic, but I think it looks good on me!
But, yes, those glasses do not exist! I am very proud of this piece of work, but I made them a bit too big.
On a Lennon note, though, his music was recently remastered and released again this year and I SOOOO wish I had some of it. I love his music, yet I hardly have anyone of my own.
On a ByteJacker note, I recently discovered that embedded video recorders on the web using the Flash Player from adobe do not recognize or start the iSight camera on my MacBook Pro anymore. I sniff a conspiracy. I think Steve Jobs' personal vendetta with adobe is the cause of this universal "malfunction" as a great deal of the ByteJacker views have been experiencing the same problem over the last two weeks.
On a gaming note, Monday I recieved my first online purchased good from Amazon. Jak & Daxter: The Lost Frontier. I love the Jak & Daxter Series and I wanted to see how the game was since Naughty Dog sold the rights to High Impact.
In short, however, the controls are a bit stiff and sluggish on the PS2, but that's understandable since it's a different company who's trying to fill rather big shoes. Plus, the game was originally designed and released parallel to the Sony PSP.
The story is a bit cliche, but not to the point of hideousness. Once I got used to the controls I found the game quite charming. Bringing back the Ecos, Daxter getting fur, Keira becoming a sage and Jak being generally a happy camper is something I've been waiting for since the opening of Jak II and while the the original Trilogy is the best, this game can stand up as the first jak game from High Impact and I think with a sequel they can do the series a bit more justice.
In terms of buying goods and checking out products, I heard about a really cool protable bluetooth speaker called the Jambox from Jawbone. The specs are nice and Jawbone generally makes good stuff, but I was really impressed by their promotional video on the sight. It's just one of those ads that really demonstrated the product in the a sensible, practical way and still being very entertaining.
Long story short, the Jambox is really cool. I want one, but I can't afford to blow US$200 it so I wont bother. But I thought the promo was cool and I just had to share it.
(As a side note, this product was Merlin Mann's pick of the week this week on MacBreak Weekly on the TWiT.TV live streaming & podcasting network.)
Another more funny and much older ad I wanted to share, because it's YouTube style at it's best, really, is the OraBrush video on how to find out if your breath sticks. You use a spoon. Check it out.

When I was sixteen I was told by Rusty and then learned soon there after that "Spooning leads to Forking".

Well, that's all I wanted to share with you. So thank you for reading.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, November 11, 2010


So, weird rant, but the humor of last glee episode got me to thinking of what ever there was that could turn me off or kill my buzz, because I think too much.
So I got to thinking and I really can't think of one thing that kills it for me and, yes, that has been a problem.
I mean, seriously! It's like a machine with adamantium cogs. You keep trying to throw monkey wrenches into the gears, but they just wont stop!
On the other hand, however, I have come to the conclusion that while there is the proverbial "buzz", it does not require a buzz kill to control my actions. It really comes down to choice and being a late blooming teenager I have learned one thing in my meandering: CHOICE IS HARD!
Alas, that's the only excuse there is, because when you polish away haze of hormones and pretty eyes, that leaves the fact that the whole time I was thinking perfectly logically and human-like to begin with, because I clearly I used logic to get my way. Thus is a matter of choice.
Thus leads the great question: what choice will one choose.
In the words of the Oracle, from the Matrix Trilogy, "No one can see past a choice they don't understand."
Now I'm turning a internal debate about my sex drive into a philosophical epiphany about free will, so I better stop here.
My gods, this is one of those moments where you read it and then you "facepalm" or "headdesk" or just admit that bloggers are just plain silly sometimes.

Anyway, on a less awkward note I have recently placed an order on Amazon for a game. It's the first product I've bought online, save my MacBook Pro, and it Jak & Daxter: The Lost Frontier for the PlayStation2. I only own one console and that would it, I haven't bought a new game for it in four years, save a replacement for a scratchy disc at the local pawn, so I figured I would get the 6th installment to one of my favourite game franchises. Anyway, it should arrive on my doorstep Monday Afternoon.
Today, because I was bored and didn't really feel like making the trip out to Malden to service my brakes (Yes, I'm lazy), I decided to pop in the direct predecessor of the game I ordered. Jak 3, I loaded up my latest play through save, being about 60% done and played it through a beat it. I have to say, the last battle is by far the easiest part of the game. It's really shameful, but it makes up for it in dramatics.

Back on the subject of the latest episode of Glee. I would just like to say that it was the best episode thus far, in my opinion. When that meathead kissed Kurt, I was blown away! I had no idea that would happen and he just SOLD it! Absolutely sold the role. And the Beast story arc was both funny and beautiful too.
Now I know blame is cute and played Harry Potter in Very Potter, but didn't know he could SING, much less ACT! It was impressive.
But still, I don't even know what to say about the episode, I'm still a bit speechless.
Also the music selection was excellent. Loved that they went a capella with Teenage Dream. It was perfect and the busking Bob Marley piece lit up my Wednesday, because I have a special place in my heart for the Bob Marley!

Anyway, that is all!

Brent Matthew Lillard

The Blind Archer, part 1

This is a haiku set I wrote a while back from my Perception Project.

Haiku for the Blind Archer
By Brent Matthew Lillard

You think you are so righteous,
but you scar my skin
And take no blame for the harm.

You only harm me, distant.
Not stepping nearer.
You do not try, but you do.

You are like the blind archer,
who from great distance
impales my thoughts light cancer

Still you are a blind archer,
you do not see it.
How you pierce my mind and heart.

©2010 Brent Matthew Lillard

Sunday, November 7, 2010


By Brent Matthew Lillard

There comes a time when love is undesirable. Where you wish it was gone from you like the dream you know was untrue. Where there isn't that confusion of what is real and what isn't. Where you know what is and what could not be. Where the lust, temptation and infatuation is drained from you and all you wish for is the knowledge—No! All you wish is for that person to love you without recognition or disposition against your world. You couldn't care about their physical core or the touch of their needs or the meaning in the face before the eyes. Where all that matters is in the eyes. The transference of the energy in the hands and not the hips. The lips, whilst they matter no more, act as the conduit to somewhere unseen by the eyes.
But the earth no longer stands still and the adama reaches up beneath our feet to drag you down again and no matter how hard you cling to whatever you have left. There is that empty that will take more time than you are willing to give to refill. Like a death of the parent or friend when it was not meant to be, this empty shall heal slowly and you shall be struck with it's chain reaction.
So you're stuck with no one. They tell you have them, but they do not have you and that is why they can not satisfy the pain. A pain that does not quell from carnal satisfaction or ambiguous loving, but simply a lost. Not even a loss, but simple lost. Lost without a dream, a faith or a path.
That dream you dreamt that is no more and came like lies from the mouth of God, herself. The oracle can change nothing, though she tries and you listened. You fool, you bastard! You were foolish for ever believing that anyone, but you could see your fate. So you scream to the world and you scream the skies from not your mouth, but your mind at the God and you demand unto her that she lean down and she lean low to hear your mind's voice and answer your hearts cry.
You will question her, who you have no place, reason or rank to question and she will answer.
She will Answer.
She may not say, "Yes, my child."
She will tell you exactly what you need to hear and when you need to hear it.
And silence enters your soul with which you can not answer. No, you can not. All that breaks it is the bodily ringing in your ears and the white noise of the air. Ticking clocks clack slowly and you sit in your chair in mystery and misconception with never understood dismay. And why? Life is good for you. You are one of the lucky ones, yet you remain with energy and anger and no fight to release it upon.
Your guns are your hands upon the keys. Your sword is you tongue. Your shield is your mind.
There is no fight or battle, no war for the light that spans the ages or night.
No equation, no debate, no algorithm, no solution you can see.
So questions hang in the air, like smoke over fire, unanswered and none's to blame.
Questions that answer the prose or al the poems that we create endlessly.
Only silence and hope.

©2010 Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Shellacking the votes.

I love that Mr. Obama refers the midterm vote counting as Shellacking. It's quite accurate, really. Better than Mr. Bush's "Thumpin'".
Varnishing his term, maybe?
I dunno!
As a relatively conservative and liberal bisexual, God loving, gun hugging, gum chewing, anti-racism, anti-socialist (in the american sense) individual, I hope the Republicans in office will at least TRY to work with the Democrats and vice verse.
I know both party are complete collective political ass hats that don't even try to agree on anything (not even on disagreeing, Mr. O'Reilly) so I half expect the next two years to be a complete failure.
All the work in favour of gay rights will be set back. The attempts to bring troops home or at least form a better, more direct attack on our organized and illegal enemies will be thrown from left and right and off target because the frakking politicians wont stay the hell out of the military's business. The economy will continue it's plunder either into socialism or capitalism and will only help the rich bastards at the top of the food chain while I'm looking for Missouri state issued food stamps! Yay!
I mean, let's face it. The democrats are socialists and strategical idiots. The republicans are rich capitalists and over zealous bigots.
As I've said before, Bigotry is seconded only to Hypocrisy.
Then again, I want to have hope! Obama is very good walking the line and if he's smart, he'll listen even if his conservative counterparts wont. Equally, I'm hope the conservative members of congress will hear out their liberal counterparts in house who wont listen.
If nothing else, this will be a monumental point of history that decide a lot of factors in my life in the near future.
And don't get me started on Prop. 19 in California.
I know I promised never to talk about politics, but then again I didn't talk about my political views much.
Either way, this is why I voted one in all parties.
Both sides of the fence have something to offer. One side has green alfalfa but the other has more green grass and dandelions.
While I don't like the Tea Party organization, I do like what was formerly their number one rule: Principle before Party.
We should all think about our principles before the party. It's not about republican of democrat! Either sad is full of zealous hypocritical asshats and they both bring something to the table.
It's about which candidate is better, but because of the parties, the ven diagrams of the two candidates have grown farther and farther apart when far right and far left are both bad choices.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Adapt and improve.

[My apologies to anyone who read my last edition of this. The wrong version was uploaded without filter. I usually "tactfully & tastefully" edit my work for the sake of individuals I know and the wrong one got caught in the filter. If anyone was insulted or put down in anyway, then my only defense, while not an excuse, is that we all think things we wouldn't normally say and that is the process by which we make our choices, but not how we make our upon judgements on others. Again, deepest apologies, now I'm going to add some thoughts to this filtered version.]

So Dalton and I didn't work out. I tried, but I'm just not attracted to him.
He's a cute, smart and sweet kid, but it's just not happening. However, he has potential. I believe in a couple years when he matures in character and learns more about himself he will become quite a well done gentleman. I mean, he's already he a really good guy and really funny, it's just not my type, I guess. I do believe he'll find someone perfect for him.

It's a matter of love, really. Love in the romantic sense. Some have that potential, some don't. For some girls and gentlemen I don't have that potential. It doesn't mean there's something wrong, only that they're waiting for something better. So I figure, if there's no future with the person, why try in futility?

So, I just had a long conversation with Maria. Yes, her.
It lead to a discussion that gave me closure on our relationship. I had never known the exact reasoning as why it didn't work and it kept bugging me. Things do that to me. I can't find closure until I understand why something has happened in my life.
With humans and choices, there is always reason. I broke up with Cheri because I was interested in a girl. Emma and I broke up because her feeling had dissipated. I eat because I'm hungry. I paint left fingernails because it give me this pleasure.
Anyway, I know it's my fault. I figured early on it was something to do with lack of self control in that relationship. I was right, only it turns out to come down to one mistake.
One bad choice is all it takes. One choice to can set in motion a chain of other choices. In fact, if it weren't that one time, it turns out I wouldn't have been allowed cross the line in the events to follow. What does that mean? It's totally and completely my fault.
No, I'm not beating myself up. I'm happy I finally know. I needed closure, now I can hurt and get over it.
I mean, I like to adapt and improve from my mistakes. Everything is a learning experience.
And it will hurt, it always hurts for a long time. I still hurt a little just to sit next to Emma. That's life.

On the subject of Emma, I was talking to her yesterday when I was kind of grouchy. So was she, so it worked out! Anyway, I'm going to a game tonight at the school, it's suppose to be the game to see! Should be fun!

The good news is: THE DEXTER BEARCATS WON! Or at least when I left the game they had 21 point lead and their was one minute left on the clock!

Brent Matthew Lillard