Communicating Indescribable Sentences.

What is love? Think about it. Okay, you got your answer? Or are you like me and you have thousands.

Is it an energy?

Is it the grace of God?

Is it a connection?

Is it an emotion?

Or is it something more abstract or simple?

Is it a verb?

Is it an action?

Is it a person? A being?

Is it chemical?

Is it spiritual?

Is it psychological?

Is it sexual?

It is Primal.

"It is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies."

- Ramachandra, Matrix Revolutions

Love to me, is many things. This is not a blog about my love life or romance, per se. But I am going to speak to something I see.

For me it's everything. Love is an action or a verb, you can show love to someone you may never have met and may never see again. A wave, helping a lady load groceries, opening a door for someone at a mall. Love is connection between us all, it is the true version of friendship, brotherhood (or sisterhood) and romance. It is chemical, it is programmed into us physically as much as it spiritually, we can feel it, we feel it's essence in sexuality or just that harm feeling of friendship.

For me Love is an energy that encompasses and engulfs and moves through every aspect of the universe. There are channels, man made channels, through which love does meet potential, where people can't be truly in contact with each other. Yet, somehow, continents and even the world apart, love reaches though and breaks those barriers.

[love rant, end]

I mean we live in a world where most of time of our time in contact with any given person is spent by texting, e-mailing, text chatting. Other exceptions and myself not included, I hate texting, lol. It not a real form of communication, there as aspect of the human condition that just don't make it. It's hard to verbalize meaning, how much hard then is it to textualize feeling? Even through videochat or Phone calls not everything transfers.

We're beings that interact with more than text, words, tones, visual cues.

There is something about physically communicating with someone that makes things clearer. I'm awkward on the phone, I stutter, I ramble. Even in a video call I have these weird things that poke at my brain, really just a minor case of technophobia hidden under my idealistic devotion to technology.

I mean, yes, I am a bit awkward in person and I forget my wording like three seconds after I think of it, but that's because I'm so distracted by other things to notice. Like body language and the conversations that spread outside of your little group and continue to flicker other's like those pixals in John Conway's Game of Life. (Google Search: Game of Life)

But in person, I am able to understand people better, I don't need to ask for explicitness as I do in texting. I can use my hands, I talk with my hands so much. I am far more charismatic in person than I am in a video call, I can read people's shallowest emotions like a book and worry more about what really matters. Like Frustrations, life issues, the world cup.

One of the best examples I can give is body language. It explains so much that words can't even embody. I mean, I can understand what love or friendship is through the language I can feel with hands on her hips, my head against hers better than I can explain how check for leaking oil on sedan.

When you're talking, you just concenter a high energy situation a whole faster than you can when your more focused on trying to the people who aren't even before you.

I mean, I'm gun ho for technology. I talk to my friend Eleshia over text most days. My friendship with Caeleigh is currently exclusively on video call and youtube communion. My friends Jamie and Alice I have only spoken live with through skype calls. I use blogging to speak to the world (or at least those who are interested).

However, it's a pure communication method when you can reach out and touch someone. It's simply indescribably, like love.

That's what I think love is.

You can't tell me that just because you hate someone doesn't mean that you're not exchanging some love with them. Hate is nothing more than agitated love. it's when you love someone so much, but there is something about them or among them that you don't understand or you really just can't handle and you want them to change. If you didn't love them then you just wouldn't care.

That's why walking in a crowd of people there is minimal communication. Just minor body language to avoid bumping into each other or let people through. (which is arguably love as a verb)

Yet, I have been to spiritual gatherings where hundreds of people are gathered that may have never met before. Yet in those moments of worship through music, speech or pray there is this energetic connection. There is communication that transfers in body language, the verbal, the chemical energy and something more. The touch of held hands in a prayer. The hug given between songs at a concert. The nudge against your handheld shoulder quietly in lesson. The nudges during a benediction. The joy and grace of the presence and communion. The intectual deliberation through a lesson. The joyous singing of even a mediocre choir and a community. The singing voices of like seventy youth groups singing a cappella with a rock band gone accoustic is one of the most beautiful things I've heard. The sight of a devoted CCYM group doing a sketch of a girl struggling with temptation then being protected by Jesus from the persuaders. (Google: Lifehouse Everthing. Likely bring that up again next time)

If you're on my Actual Blog you should see a Youtube video of the Everything Sketch, because I feel like sharing. It really intense and really cool and the first time I saw it was live at a United Methodist Youth gathering in Virginia. It's really powerful to watch it in video, but it takes on new meaning when you actually watch it live, it's something... indescribable. If you have no interest in such things, don't watch it. lol

I think that's what drives me to Philosophy, really. I want to be a Pastor and someone capable of philosophizing things to teach, lead and/or help others. All I want to do is help others.

But the one thing I really yearn for my own gain is understanding. I want to understand the indescribable, philosophize the things that confound me to the core, to understand the human condition or at least what of it I perceive, so I can love with less discrimination that I already do, to truly grasp the grace of God and understand it to the extent that through true, pure communication I can express it to the people I love.

To wrap up things.

There's something pure about being able shake someone's hand or hugging my friends when I see them. About the moment when Larry blows everyone's mind because of the cogitation he did in his corner while we rambled on. About those glances between Shane and I in a group, Eleshia and I during a lesson or Misti and I to an offhanded reference. Those moments of laughter with Emma and me, when you look upon a smile that could cure cancer in bottled form. About standing with Emma, when we're holding each other close and just talking. About fist bumps to abstract moments that link obscurely to almost literal metaphors. About a body of people in prayer.

Being with people, no matter who it is, is one of my favourite things. You could put me to dinner with a someone I can't stand to hear talk, but I bet you my new shoes I would walk away from that table with at least a hell of a debate to remember.

But again. Technology is incredible. It is the future.

In some undecided amount of months I will meet one of my finest friends for the first time in person. I communicated with people all over the world. I write a blog to the world who listens to me.

The future is bright, with connectivity. But it will only get brighter, because true communication can not vanish.

Rant over.

Shalom,

Brent Matthew Lillard.

New Job... maybe.

To the picture in this blog you see my calendar. My Google Calendar and my mouse about to click iCal, which I use to sync my Google Calendars to my iPod as well as my alarm clock, lol.

Why am I actually needing to open iCal since I do all my stuff on Google? Hmmm.... I wonder why.

Because those orange blocks are a new Calendar, oh yes. For my job! =D

So Today I was sleeping in and I woke up to the sound of my phone vibrating so I grabbed it and answered it with "Yo!" to which a southern dialect responded , "Is this Brent Lillard?"

I popped up like a meer cat and said, "Yes, sir!"

So I rushed, showered, straightened my hair, polished all my brass tacks and made my way to a Job interview. Essentially, if I pass a physical exam Monday then I have a job and after twelve weeks I work the graveyard shift.

I am ecstatic! I get decent pay, a health plan and once I start working the graveyard shift I'll be on a decent schedule, including free afternoons.

Plus, it's not too far so the walk isn't too hot during my morning shift (which wont be hot, anyway, since it's at sunrise).

Anyway, all is good so long my knee doesn't "go out" or something, As Emma had told me with a poke. Side note, she's off to Germany this morning and likely waking up right now since she's got well about day of plane travel to Eastern Europe. So, I wished her safe travel yesterday and what not.

On the subject of my friends, my friend Eleshia is funny. Just funny. I can't explain why, but just accept it. Eleshia.... I don't think I've mentioned her so much here, given her unusually spelled, but rather pretty name. She is an awesome friend and with an "Awkward Sexy" sense of morbid humour. It rocks.

So I finally watched Pixar's UP at our youth group's movie night last night and it was really good, sweet and funny. It was actually comparably deep for a Pixar film with it's rather sad and depressing ending. Though the film was quite spirit lifting in it's rebellious nature shown through an old man who was never able to meet his full potential as a young man when he was incredibly in love with a woman, an adventure and dream.

While classic Pixar films like Toy Story and Monster's Inc have been relatively happy through out with touches of darkness and dark humour, I really enjoyed the touches of human nature and deflating discontent that the film showed before entering into a adventure of rebellious nature channeled through Carl Fredricksen.

To end this one I'd like to stop on a funny note.

Go Check out the OldSpice Channel on Youtube and check out the Responces playlist.

Isaiah Mustafa is incredibly funny.

youtube.com/oldspice

Shalom,

Brent Matthew Lillard

Fear and trust

So I have friend who has recently come out to oneself. I have a few actually, but this one is different. Special. They are dealing with usual ups and downs of discovering the complexity and simplicity bisexual and the trust issues that come from being in a community that outwardly frowns upon the Gay Community.

It's really quite "awwww!" inspiring to watch young love blossom and in an ironically healthy mannor.

I started to suspect of myself about nine years ago. When I was thirteen I just kind of knew I liked both and didn't even know that word Bisexual. There had always been that seed of suspect in my mind and I tried to deny it. To pretend for years and it doesn't work. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I really began to accept it. I just kind of was out to myself. I had already been in a sort of pre-teenager romance and at that point in my life I was fairly agnostic in my beliefs so I didn't really care about the religious aspects of being Bisexual.

During the time I was with my first Girlfriend, right after my Dad had died, I spent a lot of time contemplating everything from creative ways to commit suicide to who I could trust. The trust issues were the hardest to deal with. Because these issues had caused me pain before, I had been hurt by these feelings before, hard.

But it was a guy, in the end, who just kind of made me realize. He was kind, sweet, a great friend until the end of his life. Imagine if you will, a seventeen year old, short Denzel Washington. We only lasted about a month, due to complications of lifestyles, but it really opened my eyes to what being out is about. So when I met my next Girlfriend, who happened to be pro LGBTQ and into the church, I began stepping out of the closet to certain people. Including my homophobic best friend, cause when you have a friendship like that something so petty is not going to blow it to pieces.

So far my friend has only outed oneself to me, their samesex partner and a distant friend from afar. But they seem to be accepting the reality with joy and happiness. It's really quite adorable.

But since the person isn't comfortable with being out and is still struggling with trust, I don't want to remain with this subject any longer.

I also recently have been looking at different colleges, since I plan to get a bachelors in philosophy after I get my associates in religious studies. I was considering a near by college here in Missouri called College of the Ozarks, sometimes referred to as Hard Work U.

One of the things I do when dealing with any religious facility is read the code of conduct.

So I downloaded the PDF of the student handbook and read the table of contents right under Code of Conduct was Sexuality and Lifestyle. Now, that's the only reason I flipped, though. It's a good enough reason for me not to go there, if we are not allowed, but their were some lesser protocols I didn't like as well.

As far as protocol, it seemed to me the college has zero tolerance of self expression.

No hair dye.

No nail polish on men. (not a big deal)

Absolutely no make on men (and I know several respectable men who happen where make up)

Men must cut hair so it doesn't cover the ears or reach the collar. (One, I like my hair. Two, many modern hairstyles are over the ears)

Women are not allowed to wear form fitting clothes (this is 2010, that's 85% of what young women wear. Tight jeans and shirts that complement their form. I'm not saying super tight clothing, I'm saying clothing that compliment's one's form.)

Their zero tolerance policy leaves no room for anything that many display alcoholic beverages or references there of. That includes movie posters that may display a bottle of beer in a sexy (that is to say appealing) mannor. ( This includes, but is not limited to clothing, signs, lamps, posters, etc.)

Lastly, my favourite, they have ZERO tolerance of anything LGBTQ. As quoted in their student handbook: (Extra ridiculous parts in Purple)

Toward this end, the College may subject to disciplinary action any employee or student who engages in or encourages:

1. Sexual relations with a person other than his/her spouse;

2. Sexual relations with a person of the same sex;

3. Touching, caressing, and other physical conduct of a sexual nature with a person of the same sex;

4. Touching, caressing, and other physical conduct of a sexual nature with a person of the opposite sex that is inappropriate to the time and place in which it occurs.

Disciplinary action may include disciplinary dismissal.

So to the equivalent, if they even think you even encourage LGBTQ behaviour you can face disciplinary action.

Needless to say as someone who is openly bisexual I would likely not make it in. However, I will be crossing that off the list. At least a Methodist college, like Virginia Wesleyan College, has an Equality Alliance. I could honestly care less about whether is has something like that, so long as it does not oppress.

Alas, I shall continue searching.

So I leave you with a song, by Placebo, called "Teenage Angst". This is played live at SFR studios in Paris, France.

If you're reading on Facebook Click Here

So as always I hope you have love and shalom,

Brent Matthew Lillard

@SAKUTOnoSai

You're so special, but I'm a creep...

I've decided to turn off my computer for five weeks. I'll only use the internet once a day to take my daily booth picture (since I'm doing the 1 picture a day until I get my doctorate) and to check my e-mail.
I just need to disconnect and whether it takes all of five weeks or just a few day, I'm drowning in connectivity and while suffocating without air.
Not a real problem, I just have to disconnect and stand out in the breeze. Also let my room cool down since it's heated by an old computer with a very hot processor. That's not even a joke.
I suppose one of these day's I'll log on and post a blog.
Blogging is important to me, it's not apart of what drowns me. I think I don't blog because of that connectivity.
Without a spiritual center, my balance is off.
Kind of like my physical balance, really. I have a bad knee, due to an accident a couple years ago. At first it didn't seem so bad, I was severely distracted by some realizations in my life. But in time after letting it get away from me, and once I had the chance to focus on other things besides my old distractions, I had formed a limp and now I walked about half the time in a pattern. Though I have a rather radical sense of balance and gravity, as my friends have noted by my handling and swaying, I tend to fall now because I am unbalanced by my leg.

So while I am an idealist for the internet and I love being connected, I just need a break.

Again, not a big deal, I just have to press a button and unplug a machine.
It's just the internet. Just a mass network that connects us all. But we have so much more connecting us.

And we are all connected. To each other, biologically. To the Earth and our solar system, chemically. To the rest of universe, atomically. That means something quite spiritual and humbling to me.
We shouldn't need an electronic network to remind us of that.
But it's still really amazing, the internet. I mean it's amazing that with every tap of my keyboard someone out there is "connecting" with my perspective. They, you, may not agree with everything or anything I say, but you are reading. That means on some obscure level we've connected.
That's the type of connectivity I cannot drown in.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
So, please comment. Not because I want the respect or record of having readers. I know I have readers. I don't want record, I want response. I do not care about the numbers, I care about the people.

With that in mind, I also need to clean my computer of all the dust it's collected and allow my room to cool off. Jeeze.... One old tower and a laptop in a shut off room does make a difference. Nexttime, I'm going with Water cooling and routing into another room. Maybe I wont, but that would be funny.

For those of you on the web who know of no other way to reach me, shoot me an e-mail: HungryArtistSaku@GMAIL.com.
My dailybooth by the way is the same as my Twitter, Youtube and a number of other things. SAKUTOnoSai

Wont be facebook or youtube or anything like that in while.

Shalom,
Brent Matthew Lillard
@SAKUTOnoSai

Some great notion...

I was reading a quote by my favourite singer, Brian Molko, and he said to the equivalent, and this is just how I understood it, "who ever is searching for the meaning of life will eventually hit a brick wall".
I don't think so. I do believe that isa touchable answer to what is the meaning of life, but it's philosophical and relative to whom it is that asks. And even then, I think that there isn't just one answer, I think there are billions of answers. Answers in Questions, and questions from those answers. This is why I am so boggled and curious about Philosophy, the human condition, the perception of existence.
I love these little notions that capture the essence of life.
And they don't have to be huge notions either. Take this quote by Brian Molko in a song he sings for the band Placebo:

Since I was born I started to decay. Now nothing ever, ever goes my way.

This is a very simple thought, but it's true on several levels. It speaks to me and my life in literal sense. I was born and I began to die and now I am dieing, but not as fast as I can regenerate, yet even so nothing in my life goes my way. But I wouldn't have it any other way, I like the uncertainty.
Now this brings upon an irony, of course, because life in itself does in fact go my way. But only because it never does, there is uncertainty that I enjoy.
But with an uncertainty that primal to the experience, why on earth would anyone want to even try and locate a meaning of life for themselves?
Because it is that uncertainty that makes it go my way, that makes it somehow certain. There is, because of this, an obscure chance that from the thousands and perhaps billions of questions will come not an answer, but understanding.

Now you read this and think, what an absurd notion. That's some great notion from an person who is merely afraid of being inferior. But I say to you, it is not that I am afraid of being inferior, because I am inferior. I am inferior to many billions of people. I'm a 185 centimeter tall, 10 stone young man with an alabaster complexion as pasty as book page and about as confuse and curious as kitten in front of a mirror.
And I have a heart that hurts, demonstrating to some that I am in fact as weak as they need to feel good about themselves. It's imperative to feel pain and weakness, the greatest heroes have. Weakness is human, pain is human. What is love without pain or surrendering of one's personal weaknesses to another human being?

A heart that hurts is a heart that works.
— Brian Molko of Placebo, "Bright Lights"

I'm not afraid of being inferior, no. But I would argue that many afraid of being superior.
The idea of being superior brings with it a notion of responsibility. A call to action, as it were, to demonstrate the glory of being. The human condition, while perhaps not as special as many ancient philosopher's suggested, is in fact still unique. I don't care if you're weaker muscled or minded than others, or live with Psychopathy, the human condition applies to you.
Now this isn't a question of "is there life out there". I don't care, because the chance of us meeting said life so absurdly remote that I can safely say it wont happen in my lifetime.
What I am saying is we are in fact unique and that there is this inherent fear of being superior or special, because then we feel that it brings upon us responsibility an the metaphorical spotlight.
Now a good way of phrasing this was done by Marianne Williamson in Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles. It reads as followed:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves – who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?
You are a child of God, small games do not work in this world. For those around us to feel peace, it is not example to make ourselves small. We were born to express the glory of God that lives in us. It is not in some of us, it is in all of us. While we allow our light to shine, we unconsciously give permission for others to do the same. When we liberate ourselves from our own fears, simply our presence may liberate others.

So this brings upon one last argument. "The glory of God," it says.
You know, that I believe in a God and that I also believe in Jesus. But if you know me, then you know I don't believe in religion and all that crap that comes with it. Jesus taught, in my opinion, that we are meant to live life in the fullest and love each other equally. The Roman's created a religion out of it.
That quote says that "It is not in some of us, it is in all of us." and I find that to be reality. I was taught by a pastor that we, as Christians, are a chosen few sent out into the world to convert people and tell them that they are evil if they do not turn, but I do not believe that. I do not accept a a turn or burn mentality.
Yes, we're evil, but not because we do not have the presence of God within us. Hell no. We are evil because we are so great that we create our own world with it's own rules and yet we break those rules anyway.
We're human. It says in the creation poem in Genesis that God breathes life into us and gives us spirit. We all have that.
But life is perceived as many things by many people and even with this comes a million questions.
I think that's some great notion.

Like I said, I like this small notions I hear in song and that I relate to.
So I leave you with, in fact, one of these songs.
If you're reading this on facebook it probably wont show up so I'll add a link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNF5zmQPRfM



Next Question.


Shalom,
Brent Matthew Lillard
@SAKUTOnoSai

You will be a doctor, haha! Dr. Brent

SO t o start things off, I just got through with a funny conversation with my dear Friend Eleshia (who is away in the north west) about colleges.
I said I would have my Associates by 2012 which sparked her "romantic obsessive" qualities on "YOU SHOULD GO TO THE SAME COLLEGE AS EMMA!"
To which I responded that even if I did: 1. she's going to be a scientist and I'm going to be a philosopher; Academically those don't mix very often. 2. Because of one, even if I did go to the same college, in another two years (2014) I would be heading off to Seminary while my college friends go to their physics interested universities.
So we had our back and forth in which she called me a dork.
But I'm not a dork. I'm a nerd, yes, but I'm dead serious. I have around a decade of studying to do.
1.7 years for my Associates in Religious Studies (A.R.S?)
I suppose that beats BJ (Bachelors in Journalism)
2 years for my Bachelors in Philosopher (B.Phil)
Maybe in forty years I can claim the name Dr. Phil? lol
2 more years for my Masters in Divinity (M.Div)
MmmmmmmMMMMMMmm'mmm Div! yum~
Even more time for my Doctorate in Philosopher (Ph.D.)

So last night my girlfriend and I went see Eclipse. Now I had decided that I wasn't going to go see it, mainly because I just wasn't interested. But then my friend Shane had told met that the effects and battles were awesome, so it peaked my interest.
So I when Emma said she wanted to see it (Because she already seen the others) we went for it. It was actually pretty fun.
The action was stupendous with great hounds tearing apart metal like vampires in a great field and on a mountain. The narrative was a bit jumpy (in a lurch sort of way). The Jacob fan service was yummy. Robert Pattinson seemed awkward and strained in the role and shared little chemistry with Kristen Stewart who, too, seemed to be straining with her furrowed brows as she kept creating an awkward scene out what was supposed to be dark or funny. While the leads bombed Taylor Lautner's charm and lovable puppy like arrogance was a bit too brash in contrast to the the dull beings that surrounded him, thus making him seem out of place. I have to say, unfortunately, Lautner's role as Jacob was my favourite part of the film, simply because of his charm and smartness that added life to an otherwise dull or awkward world where the occasion battle actually made up for the bad acting.
The added pleasure of having my girlfriend on my arm who I shared a rather hysterical commentary with made the movie that much more funny, given we were occasionally distracted by a simply vulgar commentary behind us in which Miss Stewert, as much as I disliked her performance, was undeservingly referred to as a slut several times through the film loudly directly behind us.
I did a have a moment of joy during the credits where I stood up and turned to my enemies and said "If you can't respect the theatre or the movies then respect those seated around you"
To which the numb-skull responded with a heavy lisp, "You should have thitting if front of uth then!" That made confronting him SO worth it.
After all, in twenty years when I'm sitting on my back porch and drinking my unsweetened tea, while cross examining the Quran, they'll likely be cleaning leaves out of my gutters.

So, I just got back from Lowe's Hardware in Sikeston where I bought two 1x20x20 boards to further cut, score, burn, stain, finish and sand into a regulation sized Go board for Emma's 16th birthday.
Since I got the boards two inches larger than I imperially needed, I'm going to make the remainder of my measurements in Metric to ensure accuracy.
Let's face it, the Imperial system while easy to those who grew up with it is barbaric and confusing compared to a system that used 10s and 1000s....

So while at the moment on a J-Rock and Filipino Rap tangent, I think I may put up the money for the Eclipse soundtrack, since I liked the last two soundtracks and the latest was dark (which I like) and kept to the style.

So, that's all I wanted to share with you this fine day, thanks for reading.

Shalom,
Brent Matthew Lillard
@SAKUTOnoSai

Gray 25, 109 Green and Lightgray

This blog is all about how I see the world. Whether it be music (Brown Eyes by Lady Gaga, at the moment), equality (PANSEXUAL PRIDE!), Politics (Anarchy; live and let live, or she with the biggest tank wins.), Philosophy (Life as it is perceived at the moment is always beautiful, but this is only the eye of the storm.), my perception of my peers(Shane is funny, but in the "that's just wrong" sort of way.) or my day to day life (So I just beat Jak & Daxter 100% for the first time on PS2).
It is meant to be the uncensored, not thought out and open valve for my thoughts told publicly without discretion. If my friend's read it, hate how they are perceived, tough. If my Family comes upon this and finds out how the other half operates, I'll not change it to meet their standards.
For example. I have no problem saying that I like it rough (yes, in that way). That I hate my mother's latest version of meatloaf and that I sent her that anonymous E-Mail with a better variation. That I flirt off handed with everyone without effort or thinking about, and I don't think that's a bad thing. That I am pansexual, though, my family has no clue, they would consider that gay and attempt an intervention and send me to one of those eunuch camps. That I am just a little frustrated that I haven't even french'd with my girlfriend after seven months and that's just a male teenaged impulse that doesn't matter. Or that I'm a total waste in my mind cause I haven't gotten a job in ten months of trying, I'm lazy without anything to do and I spend most of my time studying the bible, reading literature or on the computer, because I have nothing better to do. And that I actually find stilettos and very high-heels unattractive.

The whole world can know this. Those aren't secrets, those aren't extremely ground breaking things. While I value physical privacy, I see privacy on this level as a mere modern luxury and I have found that I don't like secrets. I keep so many other people's secrets that I'd rather have only three or four secrets of my own.
And since this is my perception I spent a great deal of time fiddling with the HTML template to create my own style. (on my actual blogspot, if you're reading this in on Facebook or RSS reader)

The colours of my blog are important to my perception of my life and everything in it. Dark, dark gray because of the neutrality of it, my world is dark, I see more beauty in the storm, lightning is no brighter than it is in the gloom under the hurricane.
Hue 109, green, because I'm colour blind to the extent that I cannot see green, even though it is one of my favourite colours. But this particular colour of green I can see with vivid clarity.

A little whimsical, but that's how I perceive that colour, this whole thing is about perception.
The light gray, as appose to white is because it's bright enough in this darkness.

So let's be random and be proud of who we are. Yes, now I'm talking to you. The reader. Be proud of who you are. I am a pathetic excuse of the human condition who thinks too highly of himself and yet I am proud of myself. So you should be too.... And I have a limp that I glared at by an lovely German-American Ninja in Train because I still haven't had it looked at.

So because it's late I want to say Happy Independence day to my fellow Americans. I am proud to be an American and I proud of my freedom. I am thankful for the simple freedom that I have to post this blog about whatever I want. No matter how unpatriotic, vulgar or obscene it may be.

So this weekend was unexpectedly fun. Shane dropped by Friday afternoon while my mother was in Parma for homecoming. We hung out, listened to loud music, talked about stuff, caught up and ate pizza. It's kind of relieving being more on an official peer level, now.
Anyway, I stayed with him, cause in the morning we (Nicole included) were taking a relative of theirs to a water park. On Saturday.
It sure as heck beat my plans this weekend.
So, long story short, I drove the glorified golfcart home, bid him adieu and then discovered in a couple hours I do burn, but only on the top of my shoulders (and my face, but I already knew that) and only minorly. THANK GOD FOR MY NATIVE BLOOD!
YAY FOR BEING A RACE MUTT! WOOOOOOO'!

Sunday we discovered our new Pastor at Dexter First United Methodist. He's funny, energetic and I think he'll give our small town church the kick in the pants it needs.
Side-note to channel my "Inner-Gay-Man" and "Drooling-Straight-Boyfriendness": Awesome.

Today was slow, I was going to do nothing but sit around, which I did, so that I wouldn't have to work my sun burnt shoulders as well as worry about my worthless free time.... Wait.
Anyway, I sat down in front of my bedroom television and repaired it and then proceeded to do some file management on my old PS2 memory cards (so many save files from games I haven't played in years.....) and recovered 3 megabytes collectively.
Yeah, today wasn't that productive. But tomorrow if it isn't too hot, I plan to walk to the church in the morning to think and then maybe driving out to bluff to put in my application for the next open term at TRCC.

S0, that's my life and my rants.
Take it how you wish.

Shalom,
Brent Matthew Lillard
@SAKUTOnoSai

Let us be great...

So it's been a while since I talked about music and as you know I'm a specific fan of lo-fi and indie music, out of my love of pretty much everything.
But when hanging around the Free Music Archive I came across a lovely little album called VA - Let Us Be Great. It's curated by Cachalot Midinette Records and is under the Creative Commons License (Attribute-Noncommercial-Share Alike, the same license I use for most of my stuff).
It's got twelve great tracks. Nothing too heavy and only one or two songs are too ambient, but it's a great compilation.
My personal favourite songs are...
"A.G. Ja Ho Havia" by Tired Hippo. I think it's Swedish, I could be wrong, but it's easy and the tune pretty happy. Though I'm not sure about the lyrics as I'm not even sure in what language it's in. But otherwise, it's my kind of music and reminds me of an actual Swedish number by Raymond & Maria about how stupid your sweater is.
"Mount Rushmore's Mushroom" by Goat River is heavier in the metal area, pretty much instrumental and reminiscent of something my biker friends would listen to, or at least would be playing in the background as they beat the living crap out of a pedestrian who scratched their fully restored black and red 1958 pan head.
The latter tracks of the album are more ambient, experimental, softer and/or just rather abstract which contrasts well with the larger half of the album which is more lyrical or melody driven.
The whole album has the slightest psychedelic appeal and from the beginning to end it fades into a deeper, darker and more in-the-depths-of-your-head sort of feel.

I'm not professional or musician, but I really like this album, it's totally my style and it's free to download, stream and share from the FreeMusicArchive at:
http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Cachalot_Midinette_Records/none_given_1527/
Because it's under Creative Commons, you can use it within your projects, modify it and/or share with others so long as you attribute it's creator or license holder, do not use it for commercial purposes and share the right to all the above with others.

Anyway, I just thought I'd share this with you.
I'll likely use some of the music in my big project if I ever get it rolling.
Hope you enjoy it.

Shalom and much love,
Brent Matthew Lillard
@SAKUTOnoSai