Tuesday, November 29, 2011


 So at Spectrum we're creating a big project soon pertaining to hope and helping and all that jazz. I dunno what can be said outside the doors, but let's just say it's good.
It's been keeping me really busy and it's honestly a lot of fun in constant creation, I'm literally getting paid to do what I love. It's tiring and stressful racking my mind like that, but honestly at the end of the day I still don't want to leave. I really love working at Spectrum Designs. Go figure that the guy was right when he said you never have to work a day in your life if you do what you love.
So that said, this Monday I made "hand vectors" to replace my "ever so sexy pianist's hands", but decidedly put off the shading until today because I was under the impression I'd get a lecture on gradient mesh today in Mark's Illustrator class. DAMMIT, MARK, sir, YOU HAVE FOILED MY PLANS!
So alas, I will be studying youtube in depth over the next few hours in the company of girlfriend tonight and shading out a set of vectors. Oi.
However, yesterday I was working some shirt graphics for our booth at a Unitarian Universalist thingimajig (I'd really pay too much attention to what exactly the event is unless I plan to go, they just tell me what they want and I work my magic) art show-e-mabob! So I spent the afternoon whipping out three – that's right, you heard correct, hehe – three beautiful and shapely designs.

One was a typographic piece involving two U and another was the chalice and flame of the unitarian/universalist church-a-mabob involving the incorporation of our company logo, as always.

But my favourite of the two is, in fact, the first one I made. Now, first off, I'm not a universalist. I'm a Christian. Perhaps a unitarian, but I really would rather not get into that right now.
Anyway, I wanted to make one shirt that made a powerful statement in their faith, but could be attributed to my own and most other's as well. To that reach, I had words pop into my head: "Billions spread into millions, but are all one people."

So I made the Earth.

So today was fun! I made it to school, had an epiphany about this week's project from Dr. Kolossus. I'm doing a Placebo digital CD album design. 
The fashionable seems to be the only other person in class I'm particularly interested in as far as the designing goes this far. ALSO, surprisingly, my least favourite design as well. She seems to have pulled talent suddenly out of her ass.

After class I was able to joyfully join up with the Historian, Steve (who I am officially dubbing hipster steve due to his obsessive apparel and dress), and the cute one and about made me crack up today. Actually, it wasn't her, really. I dont remember what it was, but I was leaning on her laughing my bottom off. I think we were discussing my procuration of glasses.

I literally had an eye exam yesterday and picked out some really nice glasses that are different from my last two styles.

Anyway, as usual I walked the cute one and hipster charlie to the bus until they had lift off and headed off to my disappointing Illustrator class.
Not much real work was really done today to my dismay, but at least now I'm on top of things.
I spent about an hour after class with the posse/group or as a part " the trio of bisexual dorks"? I don't know. Anyway, I hung out with – wait, they don't have nicknames, yet! And I am so tempted to refer to the fellow as Stalion after  the extent of our conversations today, lol. Anyway, I've been referring to him as the "Silly Deck" guy, but I think I'll call him Furr. And the girl who by the way is cute as little hell, (but so is Silly Deck guy, but so NOT my type. Ha) I shall refer to her as Techie, even though he seems to be the one who knows a slight more.
Yeah, so I drove Furr and Techie to MacDonalds we enjoyed fries and drink at the bus stop outside it in Riverhead.
THAT WAS until techie was randomly kidnapped! No shit, someone was driving by and stopped the car in the bus lane, opened the door and she just jumped in without explanation! WHAT THE BLOODY DEVIL?!
Anyway, I stuck around with Furr until his bus came, which was a bit more exciting that expected, unfortunately.
This poor old man who must have been staying at the bus stop for shelter had tripped and busted his mouth on the street and me and Furr helped him up and I got him napkins from the McDs.
That really made me feel bad for the old man.
Anyway, today was fulfilling and the least bit interesting. I found out a friends of mine's ticklish in a strange place (and get your mind of the gutter, I'm with holding out of respect because I don't want someone to tickler her) (though I might so HA!) and heard way to many Italian Stalion jokes from and about Furr. I mean, I'm not too modest to stay I'm intimidated. I mean I can hold my own in that department, but really folks, that's a bit much. BUT SO WORTH IT,  it was hysterical. I guess I'm too modest to make jokes like that, lol.


Jenna is going to be here later so I'm going to sign out!

May God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Sunday, November 6, 2011


So I've been rooting around in the old HTML script for my blog last night and this morning. Rechoosing typeface, colour order, simplifying the appearance and red aligning such things. I'm also updated the layout, begun work on a portfolio page, reorganized my links and redid the about me page. I think it all is starting to unify quite well. • Also had a crazy conversation about Zapdos and sexy snakes (not to be confused with solid snake) with the other cute one over text machine! • So I've come to try and begin work on a project that Professor Kolossus gave us (making a menu in InDesign) but I am completely useless in InDesign. I can't even figure out how to begin. I was told it was just like Illustrator and clearly it is, only a different foundation! WHAT THE FRAK‽ • Onward and forward to the old crusty html script. I must further declutter! • See you next time! • Brent Matthew Lillard • @SAKUTOnoSai

Saturday, November 5, 2011


The title a is a throwback to the Edward Sharpe song that's playing as I write. I've begun work on my playlist of this month so I'm compiling a list of songs with remorseful tonalities and such. I dunno why but I have the feeling something sad is approaching. Like a brokenness that opens the mind to something new or exciting or both.   •   It's like that screaming voice in the depths of your soul or heart screaming out a warning, only I don't quite understand how this could be a silence before any storm.   •   I'm always running around, searching for a simple quarter or dollar just carry in my pocket, always with the lovely Jenna, or at school being badgered by Professer Kolossus or yammered at by another and excited for work.  It seems as though, at this point, while I find imminent enjoyment from everything, I just don't really seem to like where I am and I'm not sure what it is.   •   Now, don't get me wrong I am for the most part where I want to be. I have a job as the only in house designer at a T-Shirt company that promotes awareness and assistance to people with autism. I'm going to school for the very field I love and am working in. The group of friends I hang out with are mostly all in the field of art are and artists. But somehow I feel like something is regressing.   •   But onto the subject of music. Something lighter, as it were. I've been listening to Other Lives and Edward Sharpe lately, with a mix of the Kooks and Vandervelde at work with Patrick. Ironically, my boss and comrade at Spectrum is from the U.K. so he heard me listening to them while working and had me crank it up.   •   On the subject of work I'm working at a place call Spectrum Designs Foundation. It's a really cool t-shirt designing/printing start up up in Port Washington village. It's actually apart of something bigger, too.   •   The Nicholas Center for autism. My program leader and the "CEO", I think is appropriate for her title in this case, just began this foundation to offer jobs to young adults with autism, allowing them to get a taste of working, earn some money in our collapsing economy, develop skills needed to survive in the world. In my case, I'm an asbergers case, highly functional and I am damn good designer with no experience who needs a job and practice in my field. They were looking for someone to be in-house and who was willing to do the 'labor' side of the job and I was looking for any amount of work and for practice in my field. It's a win-win scenario. The link for their website is www.SpectrumDesigns.org and www.NCfAutism.org   •   For me, I'm a freshman in my first semester and I'm already being paid to design for a small company that will always be throwing me work that is different, challenging, and interesting. Plus, from what I understand I'm their first in-house designer. Which is brilliant for my resume and portfolio. The pay wage is very nice compared to what I expected and the environment is friendly and exciting. And even further, the company is still apart of something amazing and inspirational. Most of my works will be somehow strongly connected to the awareness of autism spectrum disorders, which is something I want to support. Much like the LGBTQ movement.   •   My first design there has been a really fun task. Taking the logo of the Butterfy Mission forming into a dynamic looking flying butterfly that's losing it's pigment, which flakes off into a spectrum wave, much like our logo. I'll show you after the finished job is printed.   •   So in leaving, I'd like to talk about nothing. So goodbye and may god bless you.   •   +Brent Matthew Lillard   •   @SAKUTOnoSai

Thursday, October 6, 2011


One of the greatest, if not the most influential, visionaries of our time has left us for good.
He was powerful in a way that touched the hearts of those who hadn't even met but still admired him, charismatic in a way unrivaled by any politician and wise in ways that many cannot ever grasp.
He was an amazing businessman, a visionary beyond words and a good human being. May he rest peacefully and if there such thing as the great here after, God bless him.
Steve Jobs, while I have made spoken my piece against you many times and frowned upon your many corporate masteries, like many have before me. I admire you. You will be missed even by underlings such as myself, if not mostly by us.
I look forward to seeing what legacy you left behind for your successor to complete.
You have inspired me as well as others to strive for more than simply success.
You made the computer into a bicycle for my brain to make the world that much more interesting.
So if there is such thing as the here after as I so very much believer there is, you will be missed, but you will never cease to inspire me.

May God bless Steve Jobs.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


So the day has come that I know fear. The fear is midterm.
The upside is, three or so weeks until I go on break and me a Jenna will have to find a new reason for us to hang out more than one day a week, lol.
I'm at school, taking a break from my studies to let you guys in on it.
I've been listening to a couple pieces of music on repeat recently and they've got to be…
"Audio, Video, Disco" by the "Justice" which has a great hi-fi indie ethereal sound. Love it. You have to check it out on one of those DMCA verified illegal youtube videos.
Heard about them through WFUV's Alternate Side, a local station coming out of New York City. They stream online, go check them out too.
The next up is the Glitch Mob. Jenna reminded me of my love for 8-bit and dub step and I've been listening to them on repeat. Fantastic.
I was at school and had the urge for some Felix da Housecat and wam-bam it gave me their remix of Nina Simone's Sinnerman. Great music, killer music video. I mean you really have to see this music video. It's not amazing, but it's really well done.

This week is so far has been really awesome. Yesterday I got all my homework done really well and in good time before rehearsal and rehearsal was really good. We got moving, stayed moving and even was able to drop my script a few times and focus on the scene.
Afterwards, my new, but already dear friend Tom and I got to talking. Now, Tom is a really down to earth brother in Christ and for those of you not paying attention, I don't say that very often. It's nto a phrase I like to use, but he's really cool, smart, funny. Damn interesting. I digress. We got to talking about his church again I really want to go and see if this is the church for me here. It sounds really nice and I'm really looking forward to going next sunday!
-Ups! Jenna popped in from her class, on break, almsot finished!-
Anyway, today I'm sticking around in the lab finishing projects for Basic Graphic Design and Illustrator. Jenna hung out with me in the lab until her class, which was cool.
I dunno, I'm taking it as it comes, not pushing anything and I like it. I really like her and this whole thing we''ve got, it's nice, easy going, honest, we always have something to talk about and it's not just one thing, it's several. I don't feel like I'm having to try.
It's a really good writing session. The story begins to write itself and you just type, still wondering what comes next as you yourself get sucked into it's intrigue.
But, it's early so we shall see.
We do get time to study, we're in the same field of study so we're able to bounce ideas a bit. I digress, I'm losing contiguous thought as it all scrambles into cloud of a thousand different details.

Back to the play.
The play is coming along great and we open the Friday night, October Seventh at the Jewish Community Center in East Meadow. If you're in the area we'd love to have you.
It's a comedy by Neil Simon, God bless him, about a delusional writer who want's finished her dead lover's book. Mind you, that's a horrible description to a great play and we're not on fire, but I really have a good feeling about this show! Working with Michelle, Roe and Tom is really great, I feel a bit like the zygote I am compared to them while on that small stage.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up!

Do good work,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Friday, September 23, 2011

Clearly not Irish

The Fashionable One.
Steve, the sharp dresser.
The Other Cute One.
The Historian Hipster.
The Pretty and Interesting, clearly not irish Girl is my girlfriend.
Okay so, you know how you meet someone and you just really enjoy talking to them and at first you're not interested in the slightest but then as the weeks progress you just really start see the chemistry and becoming captivated you realize you like them?
I dunno how it happened per se, but the Girlfriend, Jenna, is simply captivating intellectually and so full of soul and humor and…. Now, don't give me that look.  Seriously, it started off innocent and we were talking and to this day we haven't stopped talking. I have never had this sort of relationship or friendship where I have been this intellectually engaged, like a constant stream. Also she takes my bullshitting and throws it right back at me, which is something I've always wanted.
I'm a joker, I love to throw shit at people and tear them down so long as they throw it back at me.
So, I'm back in town that kind of manifested on my return and over the last week.
It's really nice and calm and different.

In my last relationship, I was torn down and ripped apart and I learned two things from that.
1. I am not the killjoy piece of shit I was made out to be. I am who I am and that is a wonderful thing. There is nothing wrong with who I am and, God damn her, I do not need to be more calm, quiet, and anything that is not what I always have been and always will be.
2. Everything I thought I understood about relationships was on some level wrong. My advice to others still stands, but my practices are folly and I need to step outside of my orthodoxy and just reconsider what I want.
This may come as a bit of a shock or surprise to read my type so volatile and acid riddled and it should be noted that contrary to what is written above, I honestly have no ill will to the "her" I refer and I've moved on. It's only seeing myself so still screwed up from the last four months this past week and after digging through my thoughts to think about this, I deserve that, this blog is for me and is uncensored.

THIS NEW thing feels very different and I've had a week to examine it and meditate on it. We weren't sure when we became official when we talked about it today, but that's what's great, there is no formality only honesty and intellect and intrigue. It's not high school and it's not dramatic and it's real. It's a potential I like and I'm happy.

And this kind of happy isn't just my mind being blown by infatuation. I've had to think over the last month and it's just so clear. I mean, I have miserable since I wrecked my car last august and I never stopped.
But recently, I've been really not miserable, I've been worrying a lot and thinking a ton, but I'm not feeling self destructive anymore. I'm feeling good about the future, frightened by the midterm and excited about the unknown of being with someone who peeks my interest in a way it hasn't been prodded in a really long time.
WHen I was miserable, I was stupid. I lied, I lost my temper, I let myself get hurt, I was self destructive on an emotional level and I let someone eles make me believe I was not good.

I am happy with her and I'm happy with life.
I'm going to take this one slow, rethink everything and be only me.
This is good.
I can't wait to see what comes next.

Monday, September 12, 2011

E. J. Raul

It was an absolutely beautiful day, that Sunday. The temperature hung at 70 and not a cloud hung in the sky as I walked to church.
The moment I had entered the Youth loft I hadn't been familiar to in about nine months I had let our a yelling burst, "Anyone here that lived?"
With that I heard a squeal and as a short, beautiful brunette young woman rounded the corner and I could swear I could hear her feet skidding on the rug as she dashed and took me in a leaping embrace.
I swung her in the air and set her down.
This girl gives the best hugs I have received in my life and her name is Emma and she is one of my finest friends.
We got to hang before and after service. Whilst I tried to claim her chair as a footrest she sat in it anyway, it's just how we roll.
Today I managed to meet my former youth leader, onward mentor and good friend Misti. This woman is probably one of the most real, down to earth and loving youth pastor I will ever have the pleasure of meeting. My experience in her youth group is far too complex and great to put into words in a single blog of the Dexter U.M.Y..
Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever I'm with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever I'm with you

  • Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Anyway, I got to visit with her at our local bestselling Mexican Restaurant. We sat for a bit catching up and discussing our recent/occurring endevers of the heart, the youth group, college and pretty much everything else.
We also discussed Rob Bell's recent book, Love Wins. I am a huge fan of Rob Bell and I've been wanting to read his book. I already have the audiobook, but I haven't gotten around to it. It's the most controversial book in Christian Literature right now and according to her it's fantastic. I really can't wait to read/listen to it.

So, I'm listening to a record by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I got their album after hearing "Home" and it's fantastic. It's got a really 60s folk rock and rool appeal and I really like that.
It's fantastic. It reminds me of combining Simon & Garfunkel with Abba and the Rolling Stones, only better their nasty love children.

Also I saw a good movie tonight. It's called the help it's about the black help hired back in the sixties how they were treated. It's a good film pertaining to the civil rights movement. I don't really know how to explain it without giving away the plot, but it was really good.

Man, I am feeling tired. I do believe it's time I called it in so I say to you, my readers, may God bless you and try to have a wonderful day, night, or morning where ever it is you are in the world. (even in the Philippines)
But before I go I want to address that. Blogger underwent a really cool overhaul and I was looking at my stats and I have filipino reader(s). Not that I care who reads this, but that's pretty cool. So if you're still reading, thanks for reading!

Brent Matthew Lillard

Friday, September 9, 2011

Flight 665

Disclaimer, that is not my flight number. I'm fully unholy, not off by a digit.

So tomorrow morning I hop on a plain for south east Missouri, middle America.
Oh joy!
I'll see the old Youth Group on Sunday, just so I can observe.
I will likely first see Shane or Emma first after Misti and the gang.
Maybe Arthur. It would be really nice to see Arthur again.
And when I get back I get to go with a friend for Sushi after school sometime!
Anyway, I'm really tired, I have to drive to Islip tomorrow and spend a day in airports.
So until next time I wish you good health, good night and may God bless you.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, September 8, 2011


So the Absolut add was finished today and it turned out entirely in Photoshop. No photo shoot required. So I got my design finished in three collective hours and it's almost exactly what I needed it to be.
The finished poster to the left
Got in a few hours of lab time tonight, sent a description e-mail to Kolossus, explaining the design and made a new friend. Straight razor-combed hair, clearly not irish and very interesting, very pretty and I remember her name. Also in graphic design, I'm not sure what her exact focus is though.
Anyway, I decided to hang out on campus after the last class and we hung for they day before her class and while she was in class I hung in the computer lab exploring the uses of Illustrator.
In fact I finally made a vector for the logo I like so much and I made a new banner for the blog. Look it. It's simple.

Today was a good day at college. Steve is no longer Steve to his face cause I think the humor wore off. I always enjoy the company of the other cute girl and Steve. To qualify, the other cute girl is not specifically the one who I call "Fashionable", although Fashionable was not please when she saw I finished my Advertisement before her.
On the subject of the cute one, which is a really funny pseudonym to choose, I know, but I lack creativity and I introduced her into the picture as "this other cute girl". But about her, she had a really fly hoodie today. It was Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and on the back it had like six weapons. It was so bloody awesome! She's really cool, I didn't think she was that terribly interesting when I first came across her, but she's definitely awesome. And you know, the same goes for Steve. When I first saw him, I was under the impression that was just up in our Koolaid, but he's really awesome and has a great artistic talent.

On the subject of her inadvertent pseudonym I should disclose that YES, I do openly admit to the world if I find someone cute, attractive or pretty. Equally if I find someone unattractive I may or may not note it. Just incase someone reading this is getting any bright ideas. Of course, that would be neither here nor there cause I of all people know that anything is possible!

By the end of the night me and my new friend gave up on going to get dinner together and I walked her to her car and then back to my car and headed home. Now we're badgering each other with bizarre questions. LIfe is interesting.

Until next time,
+Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


 "You say you can't stand me when I'm quiet, so I shot you with my silence."
–Lykke Li, This Trumpet in My Head
I've had this song stuck in my head for a while and that lyric is the most sinister thing I've ever heard. It's a truly cruel, hateful and powerful statement that is so true of someone who makes a point.
Just thought I'd share that, cause I found it be a really bold text for a song.

So I was talking to an Artist friend of mine and by artist I mean she actually is purely an artist by trade. Anyway her name is Robin and we were showing each other our artwork and designs and I really liked her stuff so I asked her if I could go ahead and mention her in a blog post and show off some of her art. Now, I haven't done my homework, but what I understand is that she sells prints and some originals.
She has a unique style, but branches out a lot, which is really cool. She tends to do very magical and whimsical pieces, but I've seen some almost photo real works like this one on the blog of Gable and Lumbard. I gathered from our conversation that she'll do commissions, but I reserve the right to be wrong.
The picture I really thought was cute was this picture of a witch, Gilda, and her kitty.
Anyway her handles online tend to be Robin Pushe'e or Robin Pushay, but do a search Robin Pushi and if you find a series of fantasy paintings you're in the right area.

It's interesting to me how you can miss something, perhaps triggered by a memory at the wrong time. Like a memory that you never forgot, it just went into remission whenever you called on it before. But it causes you to miss something you haven't have in a long time.
This case, in case you're curious, is my friend Emma's hug. Now, she has the best most reassuring and warm hug. Of course the want is something a little more primal, it's for that moment in time.
Now, you have to understand this was particular hug, a running tackle of a hug she threw at me during the best part of our romantic relationship. I had come home from a trip, which one I can't remember, but the moment runs in my head so clear. She saw me cross the threshold from her kitchen and about knocked me over in a tight embrace.
Now, I'm glad that relationship ended on a high note and I wouldn't want it to have lasted any longer than it had. Don't mistake my feelings as wanting her back, no. I've since fallen in and out of love with others and I've moved on. But that moment in time is one of those moments of perfection in life where time stood still for me.
There's a couple like that which I could pull out of my mind.
Another would be this time with my first girlfriend, Jennifer. I was sitting across a staircase, my feet up against one wall and my back to the other and Jimmy was a stair down and she leaned back against my stomach and I put my arm around her shoulders and there was peace in me.
Another was on this cliff on a plateau in New Mexico. I was in the Navajo nation and while my comrades had stopped about two stories below us, me and the local young lady named Candy climbed to the very top an I could see for miles.
Absolut Pride
That last one was a defining moment, too. The one before it was shortly after my father died and it was the first time I'd really felt at peace ever in my life, I think.
It's really weird how the mind perceives things, isn't?

Also, school was fun today. I got to hang with the bunch. Steve, M and Hipster over lunch mostly, Fashionable in between everything and the whole lot at last class.
In basic, Kolossus gave us our next design project. Again, it's a advertising firm sort of gag so Kolossus told us to make a vodka add for Absolut Vodka, from Sweden, in the infamous Absolut campaign style.
So I decided to go with my first gut instinct which is a sort of through the looking glass sort of theme with the tagline, "Absolut Clarity" or "Absolut Klarhet"if I decide to be fancy. It will require doing my own recourse photography and a lot of photoshop time while I'm in Missouri if I continue to follow the concept sketch.
Me and Fashionable were tossing a ideas a bit and poking fun at each other as she flew miles ahead of me by actually getting her design into Photoshop while I was still on my sketch. I don't know her tagline, but I loved the idea. It's an Absolut bottle shape in the clouds over a grassy knoll. It's like very envirogreen!
The other Idea I really dug was a fellow across the room from us who was turning a bottle shape from atomic explosions on an atomic wasteland. The downside is that he was using a rather bad tagline: "Absolute Destruction" which either translates to me as "let's get shit faced" or "let's kill our livers! =D".
Mind you, I like Absolut Vodka.

Until Next Time,
+Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Okay, so day two at college!
So I barely made it into class due to a horrific traffic delay, exchanged a smile with Fashionable Artist and took the only open seat and a grimace shared with Professor Kolossus.
Prof. Kolossus began our adventure with a creative exercise and essentially gave us a talk for us each to handle in our own way.
There is a company called T.K. Tile and we are each to create a logo with a tagline.
In my case, as seen on the right, I chose a simple design  and two/three word tagline.
Obviously it all began with a sketch.
The Lady sitting next to me (We'll call her "the artist Mom") went with a mosaic design I really liked. The Sketch that I think took the cake would be either Miss Fashionable's design (a sort of TK with the tail of the K wrapping around with the Tagline in it) or the young woman next to her who had the most simplistic design I'd ever seen.
It was my first time really work with Adobe Illustrator, so it was certainly an enlightening experience. I just kind of winged it and it worked!
So after class me and  made our way across to the Peconic building, exchanged the textbook and I went to look into transferring to GRD102. The class was packed out and the only opening was late in the evening. Bo-ring!
Anyway, met up with Steve, this fellow designer who hangs with Katie, myself and another artist as of today. Also I never remember his name, but now I do. In this case we'll call him Steve. He's got a tuft of a beard, wears a cardigan and a fedora. Also, a fellow dude with an insanely out of the norm, but classy dressing style.
With him was a guy who's studying History Eduction and another cute girl who has a thing for anime, straight-edge drawing. Dunno, what we'll call her, but I do remember her name.
Anyway, she's funny and into anime and those are plusses.
The Education major, we'll call him the Hipster, has a taste for indie and was purposely trying out hipster me with his bizarre taste which is a big plus in my book.
I didn't put up much of a fight cause I was in a rhythmic mood in the mess.
Illustrator class was fun and filled in a few blanks I was drawing during Graphic Design. After seeing how it worked I hopped on it and even got to help a few of the other classmen.
After Illustrator I met back up with the gang outside Corchaug we four went to seminar.
The seminar was frustrating because I feel like I did the "How do I learn" test wrong cause it put me under auditory, which I am not, lol. I'm visual, lol.
I'm going to redo the test alone, when I can think properly. (I can't concentrate on my answers with people talking around me.)
We three parted with Fashionable and saw Steve and the girl I spoke of earlier off to the bus stop and headed home.

On a personal note, yes I'm still depressed. But seriously, that's a constant state for me, it's like this single dwelling of miniature down and it's chronic. I'm not going to let it bother me, I mean, the best works of art and literature come from the darkness in our souls, right? And this is too much fun!

Anyway, that is all for now!
+Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Graphic Designer

So I went to school for the first time today and boy was it something.
The first class was Basic Graphic Design with Prof. Kolossus (I think, terrible with names)
In there was small, but select set of classmates. A couple quiet types, a girl who thought of herself a conversationalist, a cute artist type with a wicked sense of fashion (more on her later. We share some fashion sense.), a gamer type and etc.
It was actually fascinating getting that first introduction to Graphic Design. Prof. Kolossus explained a number things about the advertising business, like deadlines, hidden messages, etc.
Essentially the rules there are stiff, very employment like.
In the next class, Adobe Illustrator, was far more laid back. The Professor preferred to be called by Mark, I think. He was laid back on the rules and gave us the run down of what to expect and dismissed us.
At that class I met a gentleman whose name I think I remember. Anyway, he was into Magic the Gathering and we hit it off, discussing his "Silly Deck" and the fact he wants to go into Game Design.
After that I ran into the Fashionable one, remember her? Well, she remember my name and I now remember hers. We had an exchange about her vest and my tie and proceeded to hit it off.
We have claimed each other as friends, amusingly enough.
So it seems I've followed orders, Elena! (inside joke with friend in the midwest)
Anyway, really rad person, really want to get to know her. Fascinating sense of style and personality, y'know? I mean, you ever just meet someone that you find cool and fascinating? Once in a while, right? I've been needing a few Artist Friends.

Anyway that is all for now,

Monday, August 29, 2011

A shuttering breath

It's amazing to me, the human condition. It's why I write about it, why it is the very backbone to my novel, why I love to draw people, why I so deeply enjoy the close companionship of other people.
It's amazing to me how while you can be so confortable and happy outside to everyone you can still be so hurt on the inside that every breath is broken by the emotion you've locked away for no one to see.
A smile and laugh and a breath broken by grief misplaced by some twisted humor of fate to be ignored and to be left to die with the pain.
When we try to hold together and we succeed, we still always come apart at the seems.
It intrigues me.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's like that everyone.
Just an observation that seems very odd to me, something I've never noticed before.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Depressed? POSH! Is too funny!

I know that everything will be good from now on, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. It's natural to hurt when something intimate and important in your life comes to an end. I would be more worried I didn't care.
It's interesting, though, that it's the subtle things that make me miss it the most. Like the way a person smells, a feeling, a phrase, the touch of that person.
With my friend Emma, for example in her case, the way her hair smelled was like that. I kept such physical distance to contain my personal pain.
Smell is a very intimate part of the human memory. One of the biggest triggers. Much like with chemistry. Pheromones and the such.
In this case, it's the smell her skin that I wont forget.
Or the fact that even the slightest touch from her hurts.
There is always something, isn't there?
But that's life and honestly, I'd rather be friends than enemies or nothing at all.
And in time it will get better.
And I know, again, that everything from now on is going to be good.
I've been enrolled for the fall semester for four classes in Graphic Design. I have a long commute, but it begins Tuesday.
For the Phys. Ed. credit, there were only four choices left, so I chose the equestrian for laughs and the fact that I've actually worked in that area before and very much enjoyed it. More on that later.
I think in spring I'll take on the Math Elective, English and my second Physical Education with two Design classes.
For my next Physical eduction I'm tossing up Modern Dance, again for laughs, and Basic Self Defense.
Not really excited about any of this, really, which has me a bit worried.
The whole depression thing kind of sucks because I'm too logical to be really sad, but at the same time I'm just incredibly low and it hurts.
And when I get really down, I'm self destructive. It's like I wont hurt myself in anyway, I'm far too logical for that. But I'll contemplate it and think out the scenario until I start cracking up about it or just start feeling bad for the people around me. And I don't mean simply suicide, I've already been through that in my life; after sixteen attempts, you get the feeling God or the force is trying to tell you something. And anyway, I'm too logical for that when I do feel that way. Or I'll want to pick to fight or be violent at nothing in particular.
It's funny though, really.
I was driving home the other day and I just got into a mood. I was screaming at this guy who cut me off and when I got home I went into the house like a man possessed.
It's funny, cause I was hoping my cousin would walk down and say something while I was in the kitchen. I was just in one of those moods where I wanted a fight and I was wanting her to walk down, saying something to me and then tear her apart with big words and the such.
I got some yogurt and went my room and just sat there for a couple hours.
In retrospect I'm laughing at myself, cause I am passive in nature. It was hysterical. Last thing I want to do is cause conflict, but I guess this kind of shows my true nature to disrupt.
I have a bad habit of disrupting things. It's usually my downfall.
Depression, mood swings, modern dance..... You think I should've been a girl?
Too much of a guy.
Until next time, folks.

May God bless you;
Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sunday sauce on Monday Morning

Wow. It's been a while.
So in short, I quit my job to move onto a part time job. Working for MARKS was a great opportunity, but honestly I have no future there and furthermore it was too hard and too damaging.
I'm too young to be having back problems and too young to be going deaf in one ear.
Also it will be in the way when get the chance to go to school.
Amanda and I broke up after a two month sprint of inbetweennessnessness. It's a long a complicated story that honestly still hurts too much to go into and at the same time I do not want to open that can of worms of explaining the intimate details of our shared time together to the public. This is my Blog and I want to respect the privacy of the situation.
And again, I'm still hurt and I still miss her. It was intimate, of course I'm going to hurt. That's life. I'm pathetic, we've been over this. So please, anyone who thinks it's a bright idea to console me, DON'T! I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.
This is my blog, those are both big parts of my life, the fact that they're status has changed is important to put out there first.
So I'm Brent Matthew Lillard, soon to be entrepreneur, for the time single, moderately happy, a bit depressed (but that's good for creative inspiration), I like long walks in the rain and eating Sunday Sauce microwaved over pasta on Monday morning.
With parmesan.
So, I'm moving towards doing a bit of small business at my local Magic the Gathering spot by selling deck containers I designed and make out of recycled material. I've had a number of custom orders and I'm refining the technique.
Also I've been suggested wallets and cigarette containers for people who roll their own. More on that in the future, but let's say opportunities lay waiting.
Everyone likes going green and small business is good for the economy, especially if it helps me make a name for myself.
THe big custom order, however, I'm designing and making for free and calling a prototype for the man who run Magic at Bailey's. Henry requested a plant themed box for which I will be doing artwork for. The challenge is welcome.
With that said, I am job hunting and if anyone knows of a place that's hiring in the Babylon and Amityville area of Long Island, let me know.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

It moves me....

Have you ever just sat still and heard the silence? That high frequency you never here, the ringing of the body's internal clockwork, upset only by the clicking of keys.
I don't often enjoy the silence. I'm not one to sit still. I rarely meditate, sometimes pray and few times sit still.
Sitting still is not doing nothing. To think is what breaks us apart from the other beings we surround ourselves with, even other people.
There is this feeling I have and it moves me. It's a feeling of purpose and of new and exciting reality. It's one I've had for almost two months.
That feeling can come from people. A person that moves my soul, inspiring everything from awe to the muse of humble art.
That feeling can grow with the advent of purpose or income. The ability to fend.
That feeling just burns like white hot when opportunity arises to create.
Pure creation is so fantastic.
I have an opportunity to create for my life. Artistry is what I've always wanted and now I think I'm going to aim for it again.
This simple job of machining and the maintaining machines is boring and has no future, but it will get me through until I make a name for myself.
Writing is where my mind is let loose to create entire worlds and through my hands is where the depths of my mind spit my psychedelic dreams into images and that's what makes me happy.
It lets me move the world when I've been moved to far.
And, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I am inspired by she who moves my soul. The quaking, sky shattering feeling that I get from people simply collapses under her pressure.
I mean right and right now I am inspired like I have never been before and it's only been getting better.
It's time to make the world collapse under my pressure.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Wow, a lot of stuff!

So recently I went into the city (last Sunday) with my friend's Amanda and Jay (wife and husband team) who were taking Amanda's theatre kids to see Avenue Q on Broadway.
The show was awesome.
My girlfriend Amanda was there also, as she is one of Amanda's students.
Yes, I'm dating my friends' wife's student.
Go figure.
So in recap, Jay and Amanda are like my local friends, but I think so far they are the closest friends I have here thus far. Jay having taken me on his nerdy apprentice as it were in Bailey's and Amanda being the knitting ninja of DOOM! who I would entrust my most powerful dice with.
Maybe even my totem. (Figure that one out)
Amanda, my girlfriend, is this really, really cool cute pink hair hobbit (I say because she is short and adorable and funny). We've been together for about a month and half and while we've had a really rock start, this seems to the best thing I've had with someone.
Honestly, this just furthers my belief in honesty and transparency, because the succes of this so far has proven to be communication, honesty and simply her not putting up with my crap and me not letting her keep her problems to herself.
Logically speaking, this has been a positive influence on my life, really reminding me to be self aware and putting me back on track in trying to better myself. A goal I set for myself when I quit taking my synthetic meds four years ago.
Also, there is Jason, my spikey haired wolf boy. Who has proven to be a good spiritual counterpart. My friendship with him should prove to be interesting.
More on all that later.
So the Avenue Q show on broadway was great. Hysterical, even! And a little bit racist. Sometimes.
Since I've had this job at the NAPCO factory in Amityville for five weeks, I decided to spend money last week and splurge. So I bought some teas in the city, Akira book 1 from Midtown Comics (20% off) and other such goodies. Also bought some tea with my Amanda Tuesday while I was up getting a haircut from Luda.
Luda, by the way, LOVED Amanda. Amanda, as I mentioned, has pink short hair. While it could use some revision, later, it compliments her face as she has a round face.
Luda, by the way, is my crazy hair artist at Regis Salon at the Walt Whitman mall and I do mean that she is an Artist.
After she cut and styled my hair and after I paid, she grabbed my girlfriend, sat her down in the chair and gave her a minor free trim on an uneven side of her hair. Then proceeded, while I was standing five feet from the chair, making some final adjustments to my hair, lol.
Really funny.
So as far as my job goes, I'm working full time as Setup in Amityville and it's going really well and pay is excellent. Infact my foreman, a very nice dominican gentleman who's name I don't know how to spell (it's like Moth or Molta, I haven't seen it written), gave me the customary fist bump for a successful die installation today.
The work can be anywhere from hard to stimulating to simply occupying and the environment is really nice.
I know that I can't work there forever, I wouldn't forgive myself if I made it my life, but it's a really nice place for me right now.
Also, in the five weeks I've been there, I've noticed that my muscle mass has at least doubled in my arms. I've recieved comments on the increased tone and just looking at my left forearm it's broader.
I'm not much for the work out scene, but it's definitely been a positive physical improvement.
This weekend is going to be busy, as most of mine are.
Tomorrow night, Amanda is coming over for dinner.
Saturday is her nineteenth birthday so I'm taking her to long beach and to dinner and staying with her through Sunday.
Memorial day is with the family and Tuesday is back to work.

Anyway, I have to sleep so goodnight.

Good night, good health, & may God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, April 23, 2011


She was a lovely bitch, but she's a pleasure and joy. She was funny and clever, but she was paranoid. She was a lesbian. She was far away and very smart, but she wasn't but the one I'd never stop wanting. She is smart and joy beyond all others, but that's life. She was incredibly sweet, but she was a cryptic bitch. She was fun and I gave it to her.

Monday, April 11, 2011

So there's this girl....

Okay, so there's this girl and she's really cute and really funny and really interesting and we hung out sunday.
My feelings have terrible timing.

Damn Damn!
(67 points for the person who calls the reference!)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Three and Half Year Questions...

In the past three and a half years since I started trying I have asked many questions.
What is God?
Why would she let these things happen to us?
Why do good people die such horrible deaths?
Why should I even try to live.
What was Jesus.
Would he have been disappointed with what his followers had come to do?
Would he be proud of those of us trying set things right.
What is love.
Why is pain important.
Why are there so horrific wars?
What is spirituality.
What is a friend.
What is beauty.

Life for me is about learning and find the questions within the answers of the questions I asked before, but there are some questions I can't solve like: what do you say someone who's lost someone so important to them like a mother or a father to death?
I've been there, too.
I lost my father three and half years ago and as a result I tried everything and came out of that sheltered existence I'd been living.
For me, it was easy because my father's death was peaceful and I watch it like a far off symphony and everything was alright right there and right then. Him and I had an understand about what death meant to us, that in our beliefs death was not the end. It wasn't the beginning, but it was not the end.
Intelectual beliefs and spiritual grounding isn't everything, though, because there is pain when you can't see, touch or hear that person you've known all you're life. This pain can drive you to not listen to logic or let you're emotions get the very best of you.
For my mother, she was bedridden for over a year. She cared about living and about her family, but she couldn't live there without him, not yet.
For me, I was self destructive and self aware. I was trying to find way to destroying myself while at the same time struggling with what God and life was and I told no one.
I directly know how it feels to lose my father and yet I have no idea how to be there for someone who I care about who's going through the same thing.
I speak of my friend who recently lost her mother.
I've only known her and her husband for a while since I've moved here, but she's my friend and if you've been paying attention, I deeply care about people who I consider my friends. It might be a flaw in my character, but I don't think so.
All I have to stand on is some flawed charisma and what I remember that made me feel better.
There is a Jewish practice I remember reading about that I've always found to be good and proper called Sitting Shiva (forgive me if I've butchered it) where you sit with someone in mourning. Now, you don't say anyway. You just be near them and if they talk, then you talk. If they cry, you support them. You just stand by and be close.
In my scriptures there is a calling to the Christian people to be there for those in pain or mourning. As it says in terms of spreading God's love, and I paraphrase, spread the good news or word of God and only if you have to, use words.
For me this hits home, because I know words sting in times of pain.
I've been gifted with a flawed charisma that has helped in solving the problems of my friends before, but this is different and I know it. I'm afraid to open my mouth or type something that would only make it worse.
For those of you who believe, I ask you to pray for my friend and her family in the time.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Oh the distance....

So hello folks!
I'm sitting today with nothing much to do and listening to WFUV New York's the Alternate Side.
So I still haven't found a job, but I have a promising one that I'd rather not mention until after monday.
I still haven't found a church I like either, mostly from lack of trying. I might go tomorrow.
I'm trying to regulate my sleep schedule to fall in the mid morning, but I find without the motivation of work or social engagement my laziness and the comfort of a soft pillow is quite a trying overture to my day.

So today, I'm catching up on my reading. Blogs, News, Webcomics. I may turn on Al Jazeera later is I can rip myself away from the music.

So tomorrow I pay my friend Amanda some forty something in cash for tickets to Avenue Q with her and her husband and about thirty crazy theatre delinquents.
Ah, how I miss that kind of drama! As in acting and pretending. Then again, it's fun to watch social drama unfold, otherwise reality television would be worthless.

So next weekend I get to see Erica again, which is cool. For reference I think I mentioned last time that I met her, Nick and Chenelle (Yes, I can spell their names this time) in Midtown Manhattan for movie, food and just hanging out. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself and by the chance of gravity and Nick's hand on the back of my head I accidentally kissed Erica.
Oh what fate fall upon the good and kind, like distant thunder there is little warning before lightning strikes.
On a side note, at the end of night I kiss her again, this time on purpose for the sake of making Chenelle shout "WOW!" just when the time of my train back to the island popped up.
But y'know. She's interesting, thus interests me, but more than just an intelectual level. We'll see.

For fun I bought the last of issue of Full Metal Alchemist in it's original Japanese to add to my collection. I also visited Midtime Comics and picked up the latest issue of New York Five. Yes, I read shojo manga, too.

So, I came to a funny realization about my mind a little while ago and just how organized it is. You know how couples have pet names for each other or a person will refer or call to the other with a term of endearment. I do that, but I'm so organized about it that I don't commonly recycle the terms. I always used a dominant term for one person and not another.
That's not to say I don't call more than one person babe or lady or hun, those will eventually cycle back depending on the person and how our chi meshes.
For example:
Jennifer was mostly Gorgeous, but often jokingly without the R.
Cheri was mostly Honey.
Eleshia and I didn't last long enough for me to call her anything.
Caeleigh was mostly Sweetie.
Emma was mostly Pretty Lady and eventually Love (at this time, I referred to Eleshia as Lady, lol, much to her chagrin)
Maria was mostly babe.
Now obviously I'll reuse babe or love, but again it depends on the person, lol.
I just thought it was an odd observation of my character and how I organize things in my mind.

I spent this week working on modding a PS2 controller as well. I had one that didn't work, but had some working parts and a good casing. I had another that was working, like vibrating motors, an LED and was held together by pink duct tape. I tore the two models apart and made a frankontroller! It's still in the final stages, but it's looking good!
White body, red buttons (save the center buttons and shape buttons), spring loaded R1 and L1 triggers, red analogue tops, blue connectivity light and full vibration function for the win!
Still need to solder some last things and spring load the triggers, but it's full functional as is and I've played Jak 3 with it without any trouble, except the triggers stick a little. I think the most please thing about this is that left analogue stick doesn't stick anymore.

So last night I went to magic and had Hank help me rebuild my white weenie deck into a rebel deck with a lot more synergy and still some of it's old kick and it played excellently! I won four games and lost two last night in the tournament. Pretty proud of that.

Anyway, that is all so I will wish you all a beautiful weekend where ever you are in the world and much love.

Shalom and may God bless;
Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A couple weeks.

SO a quick recap to begin.
A couple weeks have a passed and I went to an Anime con in Brooklyn (SpringFestNY) and had a lot of fun! I cosplayed as Tseng, leader of the turks for Shinra Electric, from Final Fantasy VII.
I made some acquaintances, some with great potential.
Last friday I made a new Magic Deck, a white popper (all commons).
My Sensei of nerdom has become our new D.M. and his world is so cool so now my character is still the same class and race, but is of the free tribes. Imagine Mongol meets Apache. He's a bit of an outcast in the rest of the world becomes he's a mixed race and they are thought of as lesser breed. Great world Jay created.
Currently drawing a picture of Sora from Kingdom Hearts, post II. So far I've become the broken keyblade and he's shirtless currently, but the hair is awesome.
I also bought some KHII art at the con. IT's awesome. It's of Kairi and Sora kissing in the cave. Look up GhostFire.net!
Downside is I missed out on going to JapanNite in the city over the weekend with Erica (Awesome person. Enough said.). So I am miffed by that, but no whining over spilt milk.
She has invited me to go see Sucker Punch with her and her friends next weekend though, so I am excited about that. I haven't been into the city on my own, before, so I'm excited even more!
I also have neue haar! I got my hair cut up at Walt Whitman mall. Regis Salon, my aunt uses that one. Lookie! It's pretty and chunky!
I've been listening to a lot of industrial trance and cybergoth recently, but I think starting today I'll be back on the indie scene again.
Also.... HOLY HELL, JAPAN! I don't know what to say about that, but if you believe I ask you to please pray. If you can, give, give, give. I however literally do not have money to spare.

Peace be with you,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, February 21, 2011

Natural Twenties

So I've delved into the world of Dungeons & Dragons and I'm already very superstitious about my Dice.
I know, I know. "Explain".

So since I've moved here, I've made some friend at the local Comic Bookstore in Lindenhurst Village. It started when I went a couple weeks back on a Friday, magic night.
I picked up Magic the Gathering in one night and Jay taught me the basics, gave me a slew of cards. I also bought a start deck to get some lands (Plains). So I'm working out my white deck, which I'm aiming for pro-black/rebel.
I'm pretty proud of myself, I'm a fast learner. I've collected a slew of cards that people have just thrown at me and this previous friday I won a few games in the tournament. I think.... Hank kept track of all that.
My first friday I also played a guy named John. John recruited me for D&D on Sunday afternoons. So that Sunday I showed up to create my character for the new campaign. He gave me some dice as well, but they were cursed. I rolled Amanda's instead, they were elven. She's an elf ranger, I'm a half-elf druid. More on that later.
Anyway, the campaign started on that day and the second sunday was yesterday. Essentially we started with a group of six (including John who's the Dungeon Master) and one bailed yesterday, but a ninth grader joined the game. She'll likely take the roll of a sorcerer or arcana type. I dunno. Anyway, the group consisted currently of....
Jay (that guy from magic who named me as his apprentice. He's creating a monster), who is the Dwarf by the name of Geroin. His roll is strategic command. He is the son of Brahn, fully armored and a force to be messed with. He's the tank and a powerful one at that. He took the very blow of a giant golem.
His wife Amanda is an elven ranger named Ellarinda. Raised by humans, but lived among the elves with a druid master Adorali. She rained hell upon the enemies with her archery. Imagine if you will, when we were in a war, a cloud of arrows casting a shadow upon our enemy, as Jay so quaintly described it.
Then there is me, the half-elf druid reformed, I'm allowed to pray at bushes and worship fraser adies. My name is Alfons. I'm a selfish type who cares only about what and who matter to him. My friend Ellarinda brought to me this contract. I also rain hell with my natural magic. Background note, I was trained by Adorali.
Katrina, our ninth grader, was there yesterday using one of Sean's canned characters. A sorcerer. She hasn't established a character yet, but she seemed good. Also she's good luck. I had her blow on my dice I got a great hand.
Sean is... well, I'm not sure what exactly he is. He's human and he's strong and magical as well...... Funny in person.
Talon doesn't matter.
Anyway, John createda fun campaign where the members of our party (Sean, Talon, Geroin, Ella, Katrina) were all asked by some Lord to be his army for hire. Ella, knowing Alfons, brought me to it as well.

Anyway, I also got some great comic books yesterday in a grab bag for a few quarters from like the nineties. Love this stuff. Also got a set of matching dice from Amanda. They are green and sparkly. I also went ahead got an extra matching D10 (ten sided die). I call them elven dice. I also got a wood looking D20 and a pair of wood looking gold D10s which I'm referring to as my druid dice.
Don't worry, I'm not obsessed. I'm just filling you in since this blog post is called Natural Twenties.

In other news, I finally got a beautiful square bookshelf with three large cubbies for different sections. I got all my Manga out and packed it it and I filled a sci-fi novel section, fantasy novel section, old journals, school books mixed in with manuals and my manga on the top shelves. I also got to unpack my old Shonen Jump collection from when it was good. Back in 2004-2006. That was what got me hooked on Manga and it's been packed in boxes for two years, untouched.So I stuck it on top of the unit is filing containers. Looks good, even has my american comic books in with them. I'll stick a picture in here. somewhere.
Anyway, I'm excited about getting them and read them again.
So today is monday which means slow day. I'm just kicking back, reading, talk to friends and listening to music.
I've been in an indie mood again recently. Listening to a lot of Brie Stoner, David Vandervelde and The War On Drugs.
I recently discovered The War On Drugs while hanging out of the Secretly Canadian website, because I was checking out Vandervelde's newest single, "Checkin' Out My Baby" which is really different from his almost bluegrass influenced psychedelic 60s sound. The and EP still sounds great! Just more rock than before. And the other some from "Summer Time Hits" (the EP) called "Learn How to Hang" is very much his style. Very nice.
Anyway, War On Drugs is very good. Kind of reminded me of really really old folk country from it's origins in some songs, which was a nice contrast to there very indie sound which is mellow but kind of uplifting. I got the album Future Weather which includes some unique instrumental and some great mellow work. Surreal would be how describe it. Check them out.
I also found out about a great indie music station on the radio. It's the third radio HD channel on 90.7 WFUV in the city. it's called The Alternate Side and it play all sorts of eclectic and indie music across the New York area and beyond. Though I can't pick it up on the radio, they stream the broadcast online so I have the stream in my radio playlist on iTunes so I listen to that a lot. It's all music and so far no commercials... I think. I also like to listen to the AM station 1100 when in the car. Lot's of older music from like the Sinatra era. It's awesome.

Well, thank you for reading and sorry for the longer post than normal.

May God bless and peace be with you,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Retarded? No, I am not impeded.

So, if you read my blog onsite then you may have noticed a couple cosmetic changes like the new banner and the new name. I figured the "Middle American Blogger" was inaccurate since I moved to New York's Long Island where "on line" means the same thing as in "in line" at the store and the the K and S in ask is reversed.
Seeing as I digg Unix and Linux I figured the command "whoami" seemed appropriate to the content and the fact that the URL is my name.

So tonight I have dealt with a Troll on Dailybooth by the pseudonym of "YOUR3STUPID" who has been spreading hate speech around D.B. like a bad cough and I've been gathering as many as I can to squash this troll.
I find that the best way to deal with a troll is no argue with them, but be polite and passive and use bigger words and stronger logic than they can understand. Which I did, I also reported their comments after they referred to one of my followers with the C-word.
Possibly the most vulgar word in the english language, at least here in a America.

So, I've been here for well over a couple weeks and I've formed a basic routine that involves this blogging. I've been repairing and modding my stuff at an accelerated rate, keeping up with Dailybooth.com, doing some great writing for my novel, trying to maintain communication with the other residents in this house and I'm going to exploring the local villages soon.

Still looking for work, no calls yet. It's a bit disappointing since I moved here for the work, but the economy sucks and it doesn't help that our country's currency is dropping like the proverbial ton of bricks. So, I'm living off my Aunt still because I have exactly $500 dollars to my name.

We're also trying to use my diagnosed autism to get some money for college. Which is something I haven't talked about before, I don't think. You see, I am diagnosed as both A.D.H.D. and autistic. The term I remember hearing from days of seeing a shrink was "Asberger syndrome", which really fits the bill.
Mind you, thirteen years ago I was taking medications for A.D.H.D., the meds from hell. When I was thirteen I cast the meds away and put a lot of effort into being less hyperactive and more capable of concentrating on things that didn't grain with me for extended amounts of time.
TO my success I've never taken and refuse to take any form of M.D.H. or psych meds again.
Ritalin is a living hell. I hated it for seven years. For some, it's derivatives might work, but I was miserable.
I'm a fully functional and socially functional American who has the label "Autistic" which means I can probably meet a special needs quota at a job or get a ton of money for college.
You might say I'm taking advantage of the system, but I'm dead broke and living with a couple who support three dependents plus me. I deserve the money more than some people who purposely cheat the system.

On a side note, I think I've done very well for myself so far. I am a product of a teenaged pregnancy who was raised by her parents and homeschooled from K to 12. I'm Austistic with a hyperactive disorder, I decided in early adolescence that the meds were worse than the disorders and worked to counter act myself by my own free will. I'm extremely creative, I am very intelligent. I studied and got my G.E.D. on my own. I can repair almost anything if I stop to think first. I have been told that I am wise beyond my years. Every person who I've been romantically involved with I have remained on good terms with after feelings had changed. I have the finest best friends I young man could ask for. I paid in cash, with my own money for my first cars. I come from a good, but not perfect, family.

On a final note, the dictionary definition of Retard is for the verb,
1: to slow up especially by preventing or hindering advance or accomplishment : impede
I bring this up because I have always hated the vulgarity of the term in modern slang. Not because of my own disorders, because I have never considered myself retarded or mentally challenge in my life. I have hated it because it a butchering of our language for the sake of vulgarly labeling people who most of the time can't even tell that they are being put down or made fun of.
As someone who was once bullied, it angers me.

Thanks for reading,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Network and Wordcount

Okay, so I'm still looking for work, have no friends and apparently other people living here think I'm some a black hat. Right.
On a lighter note I've been wasting my time with gameboy games like Pokémon, Yellow and modding.
I'm considering getting an embedded processor and programming to run my PlayStation2 controller as a U.S.B. human interface device.
In short, I want to make an PS2 controller into a U.S.B. gamepad for Macintosh.
There aren't any game pads for Macintosh and it's really a pain.

On a simpler note, I made a run to ®adio Shack to buy an eighth inch jack so I could hook up a pair of Sony Speakers I found in the basement.
Now, I have a great stereo built from a Sony subwoofer, an off-brand stereo set that I modded and a Dell 2.1 set that I modded. Unfortunately it's hooked up to my Apple router so I can use it for Music over AirPlay. So it's music only, which is nice if I'm playing a game because I can have the game sounds come from the computer and music come from the surrounding stereo.
But for video and games, the internal speakers were too tinny. SO I wired up the stereo jack to the left and right channels, decided not to solder and wired up the speakers.
Turns out they have good mid range and low rage.

Because my main novel is running really high on the word count, I've decided to shelf it as an epic and expand my novella and see if I can publish it as a novel first. I'm making point of writing everyday for an hour or for 1,000+ word count.
If I can make a name for myself, no matter how small, I figure I can try my hand at publishing the first part of my Epic.
I'm pretty proud of this story, though. It's structure and style is very different from the Epic, but takes place in the same universe and has echoes of the themes of the Epic.

Anyway, that's my brain,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, January 27, 2011

High Score, Dad!

I was playing the rom from my old Tetris DX game for Gameboy. Don't ask, I had a disk packed with copies of games I've bought in the event (as like now) that I can't find the real cartridge.
When I loaded it up it had only one choice, "Entry". Entry is where you type in your player names into one or all of three slots.
On the cartridge I have two slots taken by names. One saying BRENT and the other saying DAD. I was reminded of him, even when this rom was clean. No high scores, no save files and no DAD, but Tetris was his game and it became mine as I got better at it. Eventually he had no high scores on the cartridge, because I had beaten them all in Marathon and 40 Lines after he'd died.
I've always been very quick to adapt and I don't often miss people. It is something I atone to me being a water sign and I am quick proud of.
Sometimes, however, like these times, I do miss people and then it passes.
Here was this game that had always had somewhat of a melancholy theme and it lacked the BRENT and DAD I had never put the effort in to change.

It's weird the things you remember about people though or the things that remind us of them, too.
When it comes to, say, one of the girls I particularly cared for then it's how it feels to have put my arms around their waste when standing behind them, or the first time I kissed Emma in particular, or this one memory of sitting across ways on a small staircase while my first girlfriend leaned back against my middle section. That memory in particular was during a rough time for me and I remember just how calming and centering it was for me in that moment.
Or perhaps the smell of beer. As many times since that I've drank, the smell of domestic beer always takes me back to sitting on the front porch of my Aunt Cyndi's summer home at Lake Gaston. It was vacation spot and generally at one person or another always one on hand.
The smell of nail polish reminds of my Mother's old nail specialist back in Suffolk, Virginia. No surprise.
My dad.... Well, the most vivid memory I have is how ruff the stubble on his face was against my hand or my cheek. I didn't care back then, but it's something of a precious memory now.
As many times as I've smoked and the fact that I generally hang out with smokers, you'd think this thought would have perished. the smell of good cigarettes still takes me back to sitting on the front stoop in Chesapeake where my dad was sitting in a chair watching the lightning shatter the sky. In fact, I've always loved the smell. It's like going home for the first time in years.
Cigars on the other hand, which I prefer for myself on rare occasion, by the way, remind me in scent of Rusty. He smokes cigars and I remember a rather ridiculous action he did through blowing smoke out his mouth, sniffing once then acknowledging it with a "hm."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mod the World! Hack the Planet!

Going to bed as soon as this chapter of iWoz is finished.

What I'm holding is the twisted wire and eighth inch jack I put together tonight to hook up a pair of Sony's into my MacBook since my big stereo is plugged into my AirPort router. It was easy. Two leads of twisted wires and I hooked the grounds together and to the negative and the left and right leads on the jack to the left and right positive wires. Then I took the two twisted wires and twisted them all together So, it's a great thick cord... or bundle.

I've been "reading" an audiobook called iWoz, the autobiography of Steve Wozniak. Really entertaining, oddly enough. The reader (Patrick Lawler) sounds just like Woz, it's a great experience. Sometimes I forget it's not Woz.

I'm still looking for work and I put in a bunch of applications. I'm really wanting to get a job at one of the nearby Apple retail stores. I put in an application for (and all did a bunch of reading on) a specialist at the Apple store.

That is all.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


So any good audiophile knows the proverb "garbage in, garbage out."
This applies to music fidelity in that no matter how frakking awesome your stereo or Sennheiser headphones are, if you're listening to an Mp3 from 2003 (your 2002 music taste aside) it's going to sound like an Mp3 from 2003. The only way you zillion dollar stereo is going to even have the potential of sounding like an orchestra if the source is high fidelity and not garbage. Like a vinyl record, for example.
But it hit occurred to me that this computer science proverb hails true in our bodies and how we take care of ourselves.
Now, hold on! I'm not going to get into the mechanism of human waste, no one wants to read about that. No, no, no! There will always by-product, nothing wrong about that.
I'm talking about our health.
Now this occurred to me while chewing on a candy bar, like you do.
I mean, if you eat a ton of junk. Like greasy foods, lots of preservatives, fatty foods, nothing fresh and lots of sugar then your body is going to produce those very products on the outside.
Like, your face will break out, your hair will be greasier, you'll have less energy, burn more heat from doing nothing and generally be miserable in the mind as well.
But if you eat lots of fresh foods, vegetables (produce or frozen), light sauces, the proper oils and seasonings then you'll just generally have more energy and your body will produce less toxins.
I know this was a weird rant, but it was on my mind and I thought it was a funny parallel between Computer Science and our biological design.

Until next time, may God bless you.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, January 17, 2011

I'm in New York.

Hey guys, I know it's been a while but a lots been going on.
In short I'm happily living in New York now, about an hour out of the city on Long Island.
My aunt came down to Missouri and help me pack and by last Saturday I was here and unpacking.
I have a nice room with a large desk and I'm staying with my aunt and looking for a job.
My mother is planning to move into a retirement area probably near a beach on the east coast on some tropical island.
I swear, as much as I rag on her about her views and as defiant as I may be around her, I do respect her. She's been raising kids since 1960 and hasn't stopped until this year. The mother finally retires.
Anyway, she just called me and told me about this Android Tablet she bought and I'm going to ask one of my friends (probably Shane or Arthur) to set her up a wireless network in house.
I'm enjoying my new home.
It's chilly, but I like cold and gloomy. It cheers me up. But I think I'm going to miss the thunderstorms of the flatlands and mid-coast.
Before I left, I hung a lot with my hacker friend Arthur and we rebuilt my old PC to run Ubuntu (Linux) and I was able to save my old files from the PC.
I also hung with Shane as much as possible before I vanished. We went out for Sushi and hung out the night before I had to go pick up my Aunt from the St. Louis Airport.
As far as my writing goes for my novel, I'm writing everyday. I try to meet a quota of 1,000 or 2,000 words every session and I think I may have it finished by August.
Anyway, more details and stuff to come. I just wanted to inform you all of my business.
THe drive here, by the way, was incredible. A lot of fun. I drove the whole way, too. It was quite an experience. I expected New York traffic to be worse, considering the way my Aunt talks about it.
Then again, I've come here for how many years? I should recognize patterns better than that.

As always, much love and may God bless.

Brent Matthew Lillard