She

She was a lovely bitch, but she's a pleasure and joy. She was funny and clever, but she was paranoid. She was a lesbian. She was far away and very smart, but she wasn't but the one I'd never stop wanting. She is smart and joy beyond all others, but that's life. She was incredibly sweet, but she was a cryptic bitch. She was fun and I gave it to her.

So there's this girl....

Okay, so there's this girl and she's really cute and really funny and really interesting and we hung out sunday.

Damn.

My feelings have terrible timing.

Damn.

Damn!

Damn Damn!

(67 points for the person who calls the reference!)

Three and Half Year Questions...

In the past three and a half years since I started trying I have asked many questions.
What is God?
Why would she let these things happen to us?
Why do good people die such horrible deaths?
Why should I even try to live.
What was Jesus.
Would he have been disappointed with what his followers had come to do?
Would he be proud of those of us trying set things right.
What is love.
Why is pain important.
Why are there so horrific wars?
What is spirituality.
What is a friend.
What is beauty.

Life for me is about learning and find the questions within the answers of the questions I asked before, but there are some questions I can't solve like: what do you say someone who's lost someone so important to them like a mother or a father to death?
I've been there, too.
I lost my father three and half years ago and as a result I tried everything and came out of that sheltered existence I'd been living.
For me, it was easy because my father's death was peaceful and I watch it like a far off symphony and everything was alright right there and right then. Him and I had an understand about what death meant to us, that in our beliefs death was not the end. It wasn't the beginning, but it was not the end.
Intelectual beliefs and spiritual grounding isn't everything, though, because there is pain when you can't see, touch or hear that person you've known all you're life. This pain can drive you to not listen to logic or let you're emotions get the very best of you.
For my mother, she was bedridden for over a year. She cared about living and about her family, but she couldn't live there without him, not yet.
For me, I was self destructive and self aware. I was trying to find way to destroying myself while at the same time struggling with what God and life was and I told no one.
I directly know how it feels to lose my father and yet I have no idea how to be there for someone who I care about who's going through the same thing.
I speak of my friend who recently lost her mother.
I've only known her and her husband for a while since I've moved here, but she's my friend and if you've been paying attention, I deeply care about people who I consider my friends. It might be a flaw in my character, but I don't think so.
All I have to stand on is some flawed charisma and what I remember that made me feel better.
There is a Jewish practice I remember reading about that I've always found to be good and proper called Sitting Shiva (forgive me if I've butchered it) where you sit with someone in mourning. Now, you don't say anyway. You just be near them and if they talk, then you talk. If they cry, you support them. You just stand by and be close.
In my scriptures there is a calling to the Christian people to be there for those in pain or mourning. As it says in terms of spreading God's love, and I paraphrase, spread the good news or word of God and only if you have to, use words.
For me this hits home, because I know words sting in times of pain.

I've been gifted with a flawed charisma that has helped in solving the problems of my friends before, but this is different and I know it. I'm afraid to open my mouth or type something that would only make it worse.

For those of you who believe, I ask you to pray for my friend and her family in the time.

Sincerely,

Brent Matthew Lillard

Oh the distance....

So hello folks!

I'm sitting today with nothing much to do and listening to WFUV New York's the Alternate Side.

So I still haven't found a job, but I have a promising one that I'd rather not mention until after monday.

I still haven't found a church I like either, mostly from lack of trying. I might go tomorrow.

I'm trying to regulate my sleep schedule to fall in the mid morning, but I find without the motivation of work or social engagement my laziness and the comfort of a soft pillow is quite a trying overture to my day.

So today, I'm catching up on my reading. Blogs, News, Webcomics. I may turn on Al Jazeera later is I can rip myself away from the music.

So tomorrow I pay my friend Amanda some forty something in cash for tickets to Avenue Q with her and her husband and about thirty crazy theatre delinquents.

Ah, how I miss that kind of drama! As in acting and pretending. Then again, it's fun to watch social drama unfold, otherwise reality television would be worthless.

So next weekend I get to see Erica again, which is cool. For reference I think I mentioned last time that I met her, Nick and Chenelle (Yes, I can spell their names this time) in Midtown Manhattan for movie, food and just hanging out. It was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself and by the chance of gravity and Nick's hand on the back of my head I accidentally kissed Erica.

Oh what fate fall upon the good and kind, like distant thunder there is little warning before lightning strikes.

On a side note, at the end of night I kiss her again, this time on purpose for the sake of making Chenelle shout "WOW!" just when the time of my train back to the island popped up.

But y'know. She's interesting, thus interests me, but more than just an intelectual level. We'll see.

For fun I bought the last of issue of Full Metal Alchemist in it's original Japanese to add to my collection. I also visited Midtime Comics and picked up the latest issue of New York Five. Yes, I read shojo manga, too.

So, I came to a funny realization about my mind a little while ago and just how organized it is. You know how couples have pet names for each other or a person will refer or call to the other with a term of endearment. I do that, but I'm so organized about it that I don't commonly recycle the terms. I always used a dominant term for one person and not another.

That's not to say I don't call more than one person babe or lady or hun, those will eventually cycle back depending on the person and how our chi meshes.

For example:

Jennifer was mostly Gorgeous, but often jokingly without the R.

Cheri was mostly Honey.

Eleshia and I didn't last long enough for me to call her anything.

Caeleigh was mostly Sweetie.

Emma was mostly Pretty Lady and eventually Love (at this time, I referred to Eleshia as Lady, lol, much to her chagrin)

Maria was mostly babe.

Now obviously I'll reuse babe or love, but again it depends on the person, lol.

I just thought it was an odd observation of my character and how I organize things in my mind.

I spent this week working on modding a PS2 controller as well. I had one that didn't work, but had some working parts and a good casing. I had another that was working, like vibrating motors, an LED and was held together by pink duct tape. I tore the two models apart and made a frankontroller! It's still in the final stages, but it's looking good!

White body, red buttons (save the center buttons and shape buttons), spring loaded R1 and L1 triggers, red analogue tops, blue connectivity light and full vibration function for the win!

Still need to solder some last things and spring load the triggers, but it's full functional as is and I've played Jak 3 with it without any trouble, except the triggers stick a little. I think the most please thing about this is that left analogue stick doesn't stick anymore.

So last night I went to magic and had Hank help me rebuild my white weenie deck into a rebel deck with a lot more synergy and still some of it's old kick and it played excellently! I won four games and lost two last night in the tournament. Pretty proud of that.

Anyway, that is all so I will wish you all a beautiful weekend where ever you are in the world and much love.

Shalom and may God bless;

Brent Matthew Lillard

@SAKUTOnoSai