Sunday, April 10, 2011

Three and Half Year Questions...

In the past three and a half years since I started trying I have asked many questions.
What is God?
Why would she let these things happen to us?
Why do good people die such horrible deaths?
Why should I even try to live.
What was Jesus.
Would he have been disappointed with what his followers had come to do?
Would he be proud of those of us trying set things right.
What is love.
Why is pain important.
Why are there so horrific wars?
What is spirituality.
What is a friend.
What is beauty.

Life for me is about learning and find the questions within the answers of the questions I asked before, but there are some questions I can't solve like: what do you say someone who's lost someone so important to them like a mother or a father to death?
I've been there, too.
I lost my father three and half years ago and as a result I tried everything and came out of that sheltered existence I'd been living.
For me, it was easy because my father's death was peaceful and I watch it like a far off symphony and everything was alright right there and right then. Him and I had an understand about what death meant to us, that in our beliefs death was not the end. It wasn't the beginning, but it was not the end.
Intelectual beliefs and spiritual grounding isn't everything, though, because there is pain when you can't see, touch or hear that person you've known all you're life. This pain can drive you to not listen to logic or let you're emotions get the very best of you.
For my mother, she was bedridden for over a year. She cared about living and about her family, but she couldn't live there without him, not yet.
For me, I was self destructive and self aware. I was trying to find way to destroying myself while at the same time struggling with what God and life was and I told no one.
I directly know how it feels to lose my father and yet I have no idea how to be there for someone who I care about who's going through the same thing.
I speak of my friend who recently lost her mother.
I've only known her and her husband for a while since I've moved here, but she's my friend and if you've been paying attention, I deeply care about people who I consider my friends. It might be a flaw in my character, but I don't think so.
All I have to stand on is some flawed charisma and what I remember that made me feel better.
There is a Jewish practice I remember reading about that I've always found to be good and proper called Sitting Shiva (forgive me if I've butchered it) where you sit with someone in mourning. Now, you don't say anyway. You just be near them and if they talk, then you talk. If they cry, you support them. You just stand by and be close.
In my scriptures there is a calling to the Christian people to be there for those in pain or mourning. As it says in terms of spreading God's love, and I paraphrase, spread the good news or word of God and only if you have to, use words.
For me this hits home, because I know words sting in times of pain.
I've been gifted with a flawed charisma that has helped in solving the problems of my friends before, but this is different and I know it. I'm afraid to open my mouth or type something that would only make it worse.
For those of you who believe, I ask you to pray for my friend and her family in the time.

Brent Matthew Lillard

No comments:

Post a Comment