Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Graphic Designer

So I went to school for the first time today and boy was it something.
The first class was Basic Graphic Design with Prof. Kolossus (I think, terrible with names)
In there was small, but select set of classmates. A couple quiet types, a girl who thought of herself a conversationalist, a cute artist type with a wicked sense of fashion (more on her later. We share some fashion sense.), a gamer type and etc.
It was actually fascinating getting that first introduction to Graphic Design. Prof. Kolossus explained a number things about the advertising business, like deadlines, hidden messages, etc.
Essentially the rules there are stiff, very employment like.
In the next class, Adobe Illustrator, was far more laid back. The Professor preferred to be called by Mark, I think. He was laid back on the rules and gave us the run down of what to expect and dismissed us.
At that class I met a gentleman whose name I think I remember. Anyway, he was into Magic the Gathering and we hit it off, discussing his "Silly Deck" and the fact he wants to go into Game Design.
After that I ran into the Fashionable one, remember her? Well, she remember my name and I now remember hers. We had an exchange about her vest and my tie and proceeded to hit it off.
We have claimed each other as friends, amusingly enough.
So it seems I've followed orders, Elena! (inside joke with friend in the midwest)
Anyway, really rad person, really want to get to know her. Fascinating sense of style and personality, y'know? I mean, you ever just meet someone that you find cool and fascinating? Once in a while, right? I've been needing a few Artist Friends.

Anyway that is all for now,

Monday, August 29, 2011

A shuttering breath

It's amazing to me, the human condition. It's why I write about it, why it is the very backbone to my novel, why I love to draw people, why I so deeply enjoy the close companionship of other people.
It's amazing to me how while you can be so confortable and happy outside to everyone you can still be so hurt on the inside that every breath is broken by the emotion you've locked away for no one to see.
A smile and laugh and a breath broken by grief misplaced by some twisted humor of fate to be ignored and to be left to die with the pain.
When we try to hold together and we succeed, we still always come apart at the seems.
It intrigues me.
Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's like that everyone.
Just an observation that seems very odd to me, something I've never noticed before.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Depressed? POSH! Is too funny!

I know that everything will be good from now on, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. It's natural to hurt when something intimate and important in your life comes to an end. I would be more worried I didn't care.
It's interesting, though, that it's the subtle things that make me miss it the most. Like the way a person smells, a feeling, a phrase, the touch of that person.
With my friend Emma, for example in her case, the way her hair smelled was like that. I kept such physical distance to contain my personal pain.
Smell is a very intimate part of the human memory. One of the biggest triggers. Much like with chemistry. Pheromones and the such.
In this case, it's the smell her skin that I wont forget.
Or the fact that even the slightest touch from her hurts.
There is always something, isn't there?
But that's life and honestly, I'd rather be friends than enemies or nothing at all.
And in time it will get better.
And I know, again, that everything from now on is going to be good.
I've been enrolled for the fall semester for four classes in Graphic Design. I have a long commute, but it begins Tuesday.
For the Phys. Ed. credit, there were only four choices left, so I chose the equestrian for laughs and the fact that I've actually worked in that area before and very much enjoyed it. More on that later.
I think in spring I'll take on the Math Elective, English and my second Physical Education with two Design classes.
For my next Physical eduction I'm tossing up Modern Dance, again for laughs, and Basic Self Defense.
Not really excited about any of this, really, which has me a bit worried.
The whole depression thing kind of sucks because I'm too logical to be really sad, but at the same time I'm just incredibly low and it hurts.
And when I get really down, I'm self destructive. It's like I wont hurt myself in anyway, I'm far too logical for that. But I'll contemplate it and think out the scenario until I start cracking up about it or just start feeling bad for the people around me. And I don't mean simply suicide, I've already been through that in my life; after sixteen attempts, you get the feeling God or the force is trying to tell you something. And anyway, I'm too logical for that when I do feel that way. Or I'll want to pick to fight or be violent at nothing in particular.
It's funny though, really.
I was driving home the other day and I just got into a mood. I was screaming at this guy who cut me off and when I got home I went into the house like a man possessed.
It's funny, cause I was hoping my cousin would walk down and say something while I was in the kitchen. I was just in one of those moods where I wanted a fight and I was wanting her to walk down, saying something to me and then tear her apart with big words and the such.
I got some yogurt and went my room and just sat there for a couple hours.
In retrospect I'm laughing at myself, cause I am passive in nature. It was hysterical. Last thing I want to do is cause conflict, but I guess this kind of shows my true nature to disrupt.
I have a bad habit of disrupting things. It's usually my downfall.
Depression, mood swings, modern dance..... You think I should've been a girl?
Too much of a guy.
Until next time, folks.

May God bless you;
Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sunday sauce on Monday Morning

Wow. It's been a while.
So in short, I quit my job to move onto a part time job. Working for MARKS was a great opportunity, but honestly I have no future there and furthermore it was too hard and too damaging.
I'm too young to be having back problems and too young to be going deaf in one ear.
Also it will be in the way when get the chance to go to school.
Amanda and I broke up after a two month sprint of inbetweennessnessness. It's a long a complicated story that honestly still hurts too much to go into and at the same time I do not want to open that can of worms of explaining the intimate details of our shared time together to the public. This is my Blog and I want to respect the privacy of the situation.
And again, I'm still hurt and I still miss her. It was intimate, of course I'm going to hurt. That's life. I'm pathetic, we've been over this. So please, anyone who thinks it's a bright idea to console me, DON'T! I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.
This is my blog, those are both big parts of my life, the fact that they're status has changed is important to put out there first.
So I'm Brent Matthew Lillard, soon to be entrepreneur, for the time single, moderately happy, a bit depressed (but that's good for creative inspiration), I like long walks in the rain and eating Sunday Sauce microwaved over pasta on Monday morning.
With parmesan.
So, I'm moving towards doing a bit of small business at my local Magic the Gathering spot by selling deck containers I designed and make out of recycled material. I've had a number of custom orders and I'm refining the technique.
Also I've been suggested wallets and cigarette containers for people who roll their own. More on that in the future, but let's say opportunities lay waiting.
Everyone likes going green and small business is good for the economy, especially if it helps me make a name for myself.
THe big custom order, however, I'm designing and making for free and calling a prototype for the man who run Magic at Bailey's. Henry requested a plant themed box for which I will be doing artwork for. The challenge is welcome.
With that said, I am job hunting and if anyone knows of a place that's hiring in the Babylon and Amityville area of Long Island, let me know.