Friday, August 26, 2011

Depressed? POSH! Is too funny!

I know that everything will be good from now on, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt. It's natural to hurt when something intimate and important in your life comes to an end. I would be more worried I didn't care.
It's interesting, though, that it's the subtle things that make me miss it the most. Like the way a person smells, a feeling, a phrase, the touch of that person.
With my friend Emma, for example in her case, the way her hair smelled was like that. I kept such physical distance to contain my personal pain.
Smell is a very intimate part of the human memory. One of the biggest triggers. Much like with chemistry. Pheromones and the such.
In this case, it's the smell her skin that I wont forget.
Or the fact that even the slightest touch from her hurts.
There is always something, isn't there?
But that's life and honestly, I'd rather be friends than enemies or nothing at all.
And in time it will get better.
And I know, again, that everything from now on is going to be good.
I've been enrolled for the fall semester for four classes in Graphic Design. I have a long commute, but it begins Tuesday.
For the Phys. Ed. credit, there were only four choices left, so I chose the equestrian for laughs and the fact that I've actually worked in that area before and very much enjoyed it. More on that later.
I think in spring I'll take on the Math Elective, English and my second Physical Education with two Design classes.
For my next Physical eduction I'm tossing up Modern Dance, again for laughs, and Basic Self Defense.
Not really excited about any of this, really, which has me a bit worried.
The whole depression thing kind of sucks because I'm too logical to be really sad, but at the same time I'm just incredibly low and it hurts.
And when I get really down, I'm self destructive. It's like I wont hurt myself in anyway, I'm far too logical for that. But I'll contemplate it and think out the scenario until I start cracking up about it or just start feeling bad for the people around me. And I don't mean simply suicide, I've already been through that in my life; after sixteen attempts, you get the feeling God or the force is trying to tell you something. And anyway, I'm too logical for that when I do feel that way. Or I'll want to pick to fight or be violent at nothing in particular.
It's funny though, really.
I was driving home the other day and I just got into a mood. I was screaming at this guy who cut me off and when I got home I went into the house like a man possessed.
It's funny, cause I was hoping my cousin would walk down and say something while I was in the kitchen. I was just in one of those moods where I wanted a fight and I was wanting her to walk down, saying something to me and then tear her apart with big words and the such.
I got some yogurt and went my room and just sat there for a couple hours.
In retrospect I'm laughing at myself, cause I am passive in nature. It was hysterical. Last thing I want to do is cause conflict, but I guess this kind of shows my true nature to disrupt.
I have a bad habit of disrupting things. It's usually my downfall.
Depression, mood swings, modern dance..... You think I should've been a girl?
Too much of a guy.
Until next time, folks.

May God bless you;
Brent Matthew Lillard

1 comment:

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