Tuesday, September 27, 2011


So the day has come that I know fear. The fear is midterm.
The upside is, three or so weeks until I go on break and me a Jenna will have to find a new reason for us to hang out more than one day a week, lol.
I'm at school, taking a break from my studies to let you guys in on it.
I've been listening to a couple pieces of music on repeat recently and they've got to be…
"Audio, Video, Disco" by the "Justice" which has a great hi-fi indie ethereal sound. Love it. You have to check it out on one of those DMCA verified illegal youtube videos.
Heard about them through WFUV's Alternate Side, a local station coming out of New York City. They stream online, go check them out too.
The next up is the Glitch Mob. Jenna reminded me of my love for 8-bit and dub step and I've been listening to them on repeat. Fantastic.
I was at school and had the urge for some Felix da Housecat and wam-bam it gave me their remix of Nina Simone's Sinnerman. Great music, killer music video. I mean you really have to see this music video. It's not amazing, but it's really well done.

This week is so far has been really awesome. Yesterday I got all my homework done really well and in good time before rehearsal and rehearsal was really good. We got moving, stayed moving and even was able to drop my script a few times and focus on the scene.
Afterwards, my new, but already dear friend Tom and I got to talking. Now, Tom is a really down to earth brother in Christ and for those of you not paying attention, I don't say that very often. It's nto a phrase I like to use, but he's really cool, smart, funny. Damn interesting. I digress. We got to talking about his church again I really want to go and see if this is the church for me here. It sounds really nice and I'm really looking forward to going next sunday!
-Ups! Jenna popped in from her class, on break, almsot finished!-
Anyway, today I'm sticking around in the lab finishing projects for Basic Graphic Design and Illustrator. Jenna hung out with me in the lab until her class, which was cool.
I dunno, I'm taking it as it comes, not pushing anything and I like it. I really like her and this whole thing we''ve got, it's nice, easy going, honest, we always have something to talk about and it's not just one thing, it's several. I don't feel like I'm having to try.
It's a really good writing session. The story begins to write itself and you just type, still wondering what comes next as you yourself get sucked into it's intrigue.
But, it's early so we shall see.
We do get time to study, we're in the same field of study so we're able to bounce ideas a bit. I digress, I'm losing contiguous thought as it all scrambles into cloud of a thousand different details.

Back to the play.
The play is coming along great and we open the Friday night, October Seventh at the Jewish Community Center in East Meadow. If you're in the area we'd love to have you.
It's a comedy by Neil Simon, God bless him, about a delusional writer who want's finished her dead lover's book. Mind you, that's a horrible description to a great play and we're not on fire, but I really have a good feeling about this show! Working with Michelle, Roe and Tom is really great, I feel a bit like the zygote I am compared to them while on that small stage.

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up!

Do good work,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Friday, September 23, 2011

Clearly not Irish

The Fashionable One.
Steve, the sharp dresser.
The Other Cute One.
The Historian Hipster.
The Pretty and Interesting, clearly not irish Girl is my girlfriend.
Okay so, you know how you meet someone and you just really enjoy talking to them and at first you're not interested in the slightest but then as the weeks progress you just really start see the chemistry and becoming captivated you realize you like them?
I dunno how it happened per se, but the Girlfriend, Jenna, is simply captivating intellectually and so full of soul and humor and…. Now, don't give me that look.  Seriously, it started off innocent and we were talking and to this day we haven't stopped talking. I have never had this sort of relationship or friendship where I have been this intellectually engaged, like a constant stream. Also she takes my bullshitting and throws it right back at me, which is something I've always wanted.
I'm a joker, I love to throw shit at people and tear them down so long as they throw it back at me.
So, I'm back in town that kind of manifested on my return and over the last week.
It's really nice and calm and different.

In my last relationship, I was torn down and ripped apart and I learned two things from that.
1. I am not the killjoy piece of shit I was made out to be. I am who I am and that is a wonderful thing. There is nothing wrong with who I am and, God damn her, I do not need to be more calm, quiet, and anything that is not what I always have been and always will be.
2. Everything I thought I understood about relationships was on some level wrong. My advice to others still stands, but my practices are folly and I need to step outside of my orthodoxy and just reconsider what I want.
This may come as a bit of a shock or surprise to read my type so volatile and acid riddled and it should be noted that contrary to what is written above, I honestly have no ill will to the "her" I refer and I've moved on. It's only seeing myself so still screwed up from the last four months this past week and after digging through my thoughts to think about this, I deserve that, this blog is for me and is uncensored.

THIS NEW thing feels very different and I've had a week to examine it and meditate on it. We weren't sure when we became official when we talked about it today, but that's what's great, there is no formality only honesty and intellect and intrigue. It's not high school and it's not dramatic and it's real. It's a potential I like and I'm happy.

And this kind of happy isn't just my mind being blown by infatuation. I've had to think over the last month and it's just so clear. I mean, I have miserable since I wrecked my car last august and I never stopped.
But recently, I've been really not miserable, I've been worrying a lot and thinking a ton, but I'm not feeling self destructive anymore. I'm feeling good about the future, frightened by the midterm and excited about the unknown of being with someone who peeks my interest in a way it hasn't been prodded in a really long time.
WHen I was miserable, I was stupid. I lied, I lost my temper, I let myself get hurt, I was self destructive on an emotional level and I let someone eles make me believe I was not good.

I am happy with her and I'm happy with life.
I'm going to take this one slow, rethink everything and be only me.
This is good.
I can't wait to see what comes next.

Monday, September 12, 2011

E. J. Raul

It was an absolutely beautiful day, that Sunday. The temperature hung at 70 and not a cloud hung in the sky as I walked to church.
The moment I had entered the Youth loft I hadn't been familiar to in about nine months I had let our a yelling burst, "Anyone here that lived?"
With that I heard a squeal and as a short, beautiful brunette young woman rounded the corner and I could swear I could hear her feet skidding on the rug as she dashed and took me in a leaping embrace.
I swung her in the air and set her down.
This girl gives the best hugs I have received in my life and her name is Emma and she is one of my finest friends.
We got to hang before and after service. Whilst I tried to claim her chair as a footrest she sat in it anyway, it's just how we roll.
Today I managed to meet my former youth leader, onward mentor and good friend Misti. This woman is probably one of the most real, down to earth and loving youth pastor I will ever have the pleasure of meeting. My experience in her youth group is far too complex and great to put into words in a single blog of the Dexter U.M.Y..
Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever I'm with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever I'm with you

  • Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Anyway, I got to visit with her at our local bestselling Mexican Restaurant. We sat for a bit catching up and discussing our recent/occurring endevers of the heart, the youth group, college and pretty much everything else.
We also discussed Rob Bell's recent book, Love Wins. I am a huge fan of Rob Bell and I've been wanting to read his book. I already have the audiobook, but I haven't gotten around to it. It's the most controversial book in Christian Literature right now and according to her it's fantastic. I really can't wait to read/listen to it.

So, I'm listening to a record by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I got their album after hearing "Home" and it's fantastic. It's got a really 60s folk rock and rool appeal and I really like that.
It's fantastic. It reminds me of combining Simon & Garfunkel with Abba and the Rolling Stones, only better their nasty love children.

Also I saw a good movie tonight. It's called the help it's about the black help hired back in the sixties how they were treated. It's a good film pertaining to the civil rights movement. I don't really know how to explain it without giving away the plot, but it was really good.

Man, I am feeling tired. I do believe it's time I called it in so I say to you, my readers, may God bless you and try to have a wonderful day, night, or morning where ever it is you are in the world. (even in the Philippines)
But before I go I want to address that. Blogger underwent a really cool overhaul and I was looking at my stats and I have filipino reader(s). Not that I care who reads this, but that's pretty cool. So if you're still reading, thanks for reading!

Brent Matthew Lillard

Friday, September 9, 2011

Flight 665

Disclaimer, that is not my flight number. I'm fully unholy, not off by a digit.

So tomorrow morning I hop on a plain for south east Missouri, middle America.
Oh joy!
I'll see the old Youth Group on Sunday, just so I can observe.
I will likely first see Shane or Emma first after Misti and the gang.
Maybe Arthur. It would be really nice to see Arthur again.
And when I get back I get to go with a friend for Sushi after school sometime!
Anyway, I'm really tired, I have to drive to Islip tomorrow and spend a day in airports.
So until next time I wish you good health, good night and may God bless you.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, September 8, 2011


So the Absolut add was finished today and it turned out entirely in Photoshop. No photo shoot required. So I got my design finished in three collective hours and it's almost exactly what I needed it to be.
The finished poster to the left
Got in a few hours of lab time tonight, sent a description e-mail to Kolossus, explaining the design and made a new friend. Straight razor-combed hair, clearly not irish and very interesting, very pretty and I remember her name. Also in graphic design, I'm not sure what her exact focus is though.
Anyway, I decided to hang out on campus after the last class and we hung for they day before her class and while she was in class I hung in the computer lab exploring the uses of Illustrator.
In fact I finally made a vector for the logo I like so much and I made a new banner for the blog. Look it. It's simple.

Today was a good day at college. Steve is no longer Steve to his face cause I think the humor wore off. I always enjoy the company of the other cute girl and Steve. To qualify, the other cute girl is not specifically the one who I call "Fashionable", although Fashionable was not please when she saw I finished my Advertisement before her.
On the subject of the cute one, which is a really funny pseudonym to choose, I know, but I lack creativity and I introduced her into the picture as "this other cute girl". But about her, she had a really fly hoodie today. It was Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and on the back it had like six weapons. It was so bloody awesome! She's really cool, I didn't think she was that terribly interesting when I first came across her, but she's definitely awesome. And you know, the same goes for Steve. When I first saw him, I was under the impression that was just up in our Koolaid, but he's really awesome and has a great artistic talent.

On the subject of her inadvertent pseudonym I should disclose that YES, I do openly admit to the world if I find someone cute, attractive or pretty. Equally if I find someone unattractive I may or may not note it. Just incase someone reading this is getting any bright ideas. Of course, that would be neither here nor there cause I of all people know that anything is possible!

By the end of the night me and my new friend gave up on going to get dinner together and I walked her to her car and then back to my car and headed home. Now we're badgering each other with bizarre questions. LIfe is interesting.

Until next time,
+Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


 "You say you can't stand me when I'm quiet, so I shot you with my silence."
–Lykke Li, This Trumpet in My Head
I've had this song stuck in my head for a while and that lyric is the most sinister thing I've ever heard. It's a truly cruel, hateful and powerful statement that is so true of someone who makes a point.
Just thought I'd share that, cause I found it be a really bold text for a song.

So I was talking to an Artist friend of mine and by artist I mean she actually is purely an artist by trade. Anyway her name is Robin and we were showing each other our artwork and designs and I really liked her stuff so I asked her if I could go ahead and mention her in a blog post and show off some of her art. Now, I haven't done my homework, but what I understand is that she sells prints and some originals.
She has a unique style, but branches out a lot, which is really cool. She tends to do very magical and whimsical pieces, but I've seen some almost photo real works like this one on the blog of Gable and Lumbard. I gathered from our conversation that she'll do commissions, but I reserve the right to be wrong.
The picture I really thought was cute was this picture of a witch, Gilda, and her kitty.
Anyway her handles online tend to be Robin Pushe'e or Robin Pushay, but do a search Robin Pushi and if you find a series of fantasy paintings you're in the right area.

It's interesting to me how you can miss something, perhaps triggered by a memory at the wrong time. Like a memory that you never forgot, it just went into remission whenever you called on it before. But it causes you to miss something you haven't have in a long time.
This case, in case you're curious, is my friend Emma's hug. Now, she has the best most reassuring and warm hug. Of course the want is something a little more primal, it's for that moment in time.
Now, you have to understand this was particular hug, a running tackle of a hug she threw at me during the best part of our romantic relationship. I had come home from a trip, which one I can't remember, but the moment runs in my head so clear. She saw me cross the threshold from her kitchen and about knocked me over in a tight embrace.
Now, I'm glad that relationship ended on a high note and I wouldn't want it to have lasted any longer than it had. Don't mistake my feelings as wanting her back, no. I've since fallen in and out of love with others and I've moved on. But that moment in time is one of those moments of perfection in life where time stood still for me.
There's a couple like that which I could pull out of my mind.
Another would be this time with my first girlfriend, Jennifer. I was sitting across a staircase, my feet up against one wall and my back to the other and Jimmy was a stair down and she leaned back against my stomach and I put my arm around her shoulders and there was peace in me.
Another was on this cliff on a plateau in New Mexico. I was in the Navajo nation and while my comrades had stopped about two stories below us, me and the local young lady named Candy climbed to the very top an I could see for miles.
Absolut Pride
That last one was a defining moment, too. The one before it was shortly after my father died and it was the first time I'd really felt at peace ever in my life, I think.
It's really weird how the mind perceives things, isn't?

Also, school was fun today. I got to hang with the bunch. Steve, M and Hipster over lunch mostly, Fashionable in between everything and the whole lot at last class.
In basic, Kolossus gave us our next design project. Again, it's a advertising firm sort of gag so Kolossus told us to make a vodka add for Absolut Vodka, from Sweden, in the infamous Absolut campaign style.
So I decided to go with my first gut instinct which is a sort of through the looking glass sort of theme with the tagline, "Absolut Clarity" or "Absolut Klarhet"if I decide to be fancy. It will require doing my own recourse photography and a lot of photoshop time while I'm in Missouri if I continue to follow the concept sketch.
Me and Fashionable were tossing a ideas a bit and poking fun at each other as she flew miles ahead of me by actually getting her design into Photoshop while I was still on my sketch. I don't know her tagline, but I loved the idea. It's an Absolut bottle shape in the clouds over a grassy knoll. It's like very envirogreen!
The other Idea I really dug was a fellow across the room from us who was turning a bottle shape from atomic explosions on an atomic wasteland. The downside is that he was using a rather bad tagline: "Absolute Destruction" which either translates to me as "let's get shit faced" or "let's kill our livers! =D".
Mind you, I like Absolut Vodka.

Until Next Time,
+Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Okay, so day two at college!
So I barely made it into class due to a horrific traffic delay, exchanged a smile with Fashionable Artist and took the only open seat and a grimace shared with Professor Kolossus.
Prof. Kolossus began our adventure with a creative exercise and essentially gave us a talk for us each to handle in our own way.
There is a company called T.K. Tile and we are each to create a logo with a tagline.
In my case, as seen on the right, I chose a simple design  and two/three word tagline.
Obviously it all began with a sketch.
The Lady sitting next to me (We'll call her "the artist Mom") went with a mosaic design I really liked. The Sketch that I think took the cake would be either Miss Fashionable's design (a sort of TK with the tail of the K wrapping around with the Tagline in it) or the young woman next to her who had the most simplistic design I'd ever seen.
It was my first time really work with Adobe Illustrator, so it was certainly an enlightening experience. I just kind of winged it and it worked!
So after class me and  made our way across to the Peconic building, exchanged the textbook and I went to look into transferring to GRD102. The class was packed out and the only opening was late in the evening. Bo-ring!
Anyway, met up with Steve, this fellow designer who hangs with Katie, myself and another artist as of today. Also I never remember his name, but now I do. In this case we'll call him Steve. He's got a tuft of a beard, wears a cardigan and a fedora. Also, a fellow dude with an insanely out of the norm, but classy dressing style.
With him was a guy who's studying History Eduction and another cute girl who has a thing for anime, straight-edge drawing. Dunno, what we'll call her, but I do remember her name.
Anyway, she's funny and into anime and those are plusses.
The Education major, we'll call him the Hipster, has a taste for indie and was purposely trying out hipster me with his bizarre taste which is a big plus in my book.
I didn't put up much of a fight cause I was in a rhythmic mood in the mess.
Illustrator class was fun and filled in a few blanks I was drawing during Graphic Design. After seeing how it worked I hopped on it and even got to help a few of the other classmen.
After Illustrator I met back up with the gang outside Corchaug we four went to seminar.
The seminar was frustrating because I feel like I did the "How do I learn" test wrong cause it put me under auditory, which I am not, lol. I'm visual, lol.
I'm going to redo the test alone, when I can think properly. (I can't concentrate on my answers with people talking around me.)
We three parted with Fashionable and saw Steve and the girl I spoke of earlier off to the bus stop and headed home.

On a personal note, yes I'm still depressed. But seriously, that's a constant state for me, it's like this single dwelling of miniature down and it's chronic. I'm not going to let it bother me, I mean, the best works of art and literature come from the darkness in our souls, right? And this is too much fun!

Anyway, that is all for now!
+Brent Matthew Lillard