Friday, September 23, 2011

Clearly not Irish

The Fashionable One.
Steve, the sharp dresser.
The Other Cute One.
The Historian Hipster.
The Pretty and Interesting, clearly not irish Girl is my girlfriend.
Okay so, you know how you meet someone and you just really enjoy talking to them and at first you're not interested in the slightest but then as the weeks progress you just really start see the chemistry and becoming captivated you realize you like them?
I dunno how it happened per se, but the Girlfriend, Jenna, is simply captivating intellectually and so full of soul and humor and…. Now, don't give me that look.  Seriously, it started off innocent and we were talking and to this day we haven't stopped talking. I have never had this sort of relationship or friendship where I have been this intellectually engaged, like a constant stream. Also she takes my bullshitting and throws it right back at me, which is something I've always wanted.
I'm a joker, I love to throw shit at people and tear them down so long as they throw it back at me.
So, I'm back in town that kind of manifested on my return and over the last week.
It's really nice and calm and different.

In my last relationship, I was torn down and ripped apart and I learned two things from that.
1. I am not the killjoy piece of shit I was made out to be. I am who I am and that is a wonderful thing. There is nothing wrong with who I am and, God damn her, I do not need to be more calm, quiet, and anything that is not what I always have been and always will be.
2. Everything I thought I understood about relationships was on some level wrong. My advice to others still stands, but my practices are folly and I need to step outside of my orthodoxy and just reconsider what I want.
This may come as a bit of a shock or surprise to read my type so volatile and acid riddled and it should be noted that contrary to what is written above, I honestly have no ill will to the "her" I refer and I've moved on. It's only seeing myself so still screwed up from the last four months this past week and after digging through my thoughts to think about this, I deserve that, this blog is for me and is uncensored.

THIS NEW thing feels very different and I've had a week to examine it and meditate on it. We weren't sure when we became official when we talked about it today, but that's what's great, there is no formality only honesty and intellect and intrigue. It's not high school and it's not dramatic and it's real. It's a potential I like and I'm happy.

And this kind of happy isn't just my mind being blown by infatuation. I've had to think over the last month and it's just so clear. I mean, I have miserable since I wrecked my car last august and I never stopped.
But recently, I've been really not miserable, I've been worrying a lot and thinking a ton, but I'm not feeling self destructive anymore. I'm feeling good about the future, frightened by the midterm and excited about the unknown of being with someone who peeks my interest in a way it hasn't been prodded in a really long time.
WHen I was miserable, I was stupid. I lied, I lost my temper, I let myself get hurt, I was self destructive on an emotional level and I let someone eles make me believe I was not good.

I am happy with her and I'm happy with life.
I'm going to take this one slow, rethink everything and be only me.
This is good.
I can't wait to see what comes next.

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