Sunday, December 16, 2012


Sometimes I feel very alone in the world; but I know better than that. I finally can look back on my life and say that good friends have come and gone. That some have transformed their bonds and even in their distance transcend the gap from ally to family.
My friend Rusty, I would describe him like a brother; our friend is my oldest and closest given the time I've known him. I would respect his every decision, but in the same breath tell him how stupid I think it might be, even after not seeing or talking to him in over six or seven months.
My friend, the Historian, has become my best friend, someone I can unload on and agree with and share my views and trials with. He's like… my good christian friend (although he's atheist). Always there to listen, to aid with his similar struggles.
It's been half a decade, now to the week, since my dad died. Now, I'm not going to complain. The reality is, had he not died and had my mother not gone into a year of reclusion I would have retained a level of shelter; even with Rusty and Jennifer's intervention into my not so simple existence.
I would have never had my faith in God challenged to the same degree, or moved to Missouri where I fell in love with one girl, loved and lost one who changed my life, struggled yet another who ended up for the best and loved the many in my youth group.
I would have never met Shane, my very best friend whilst I lived in Missouri. Who help me deal my issues of loss, sexuality, beliefs, difficulties with girls and out look on life, music and the big picture.
I would never met Misti, who truly lead me while I stumbled on the vast wide; careful not to walk too straight and narrow. Concreting my faith in a way only a holy experience can do; even given my Buddhist points of view.
I may not have come to New York, but I might have.
I just… I wonder sometimes, what would he have to say to me? I'm a genius, yes, but that came from him. His autism, his philosophy, his passive demeanor, his old soul. My autism, my existentialism, my pacifism and friendliness, my old soul.
Who do I talk to about my feelings, about women, about love, about my history; if not a man so similar to me? Without a man to look up to? I have but an image to look up to, one that is so vividly painted by his words and teachings in the last six years of his life.
I think, and I have always thought, that he knew it was coming. He would tell me that his only purpose for being alive was for me, and since he died I have only further understood his teaching, his wisdom and his philosophy. He prepared me for almost everything and I didn't even know it.
There are days where I look back. I see relationship crumble,  I see my failures, I feel my heart sink when I fail to be just and honest, I condemn myself what I've been unfaithful; and it is in those minutes of reflection that I realize that he has been guiding me the whole way, only to understand when it is too late.
Still I wonder not what he would think of me. He would think the world of me. I wonder what he would have to say when I came to him with my dilemmas?
I want to be an artist, become bigger than life; or do I want to be a teacher? I think this one's a keeper or I have feelings for someone else? I think this person hates me and I can't stop thinking about it? I really screwed up this time…
Whether it's my dad or someone else, I feel alone in this world sometimes. Like I can't make these decisions on my own. My will is too weak.
My history of infidelity, my ego, my anger, my patience, my feelings are all symbols of my weakness. Which I suppose I'm fine with. I've made it this far, but I wish I knew what to do sometimes.

None the less, Happy christmas and may God bless you,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, July 5, 2012

A letter of Manifesto

  You seem to have made the assumption that anything I can do, you can do also.  You see, the rules do not apply me. Your rules never have and never will. You can shape me with your oppressive misery, I am too gay.
  I will always do, as I always have, what I want; when I want; however I want it. I will accept the consequences of my actions which never have stopped me from doing it again.
  While you demand on your man and whine like a bitch, I will keep my mouth silent, unattended by query and do as I please.
  To create requires ingenuity, to succeed demands investment, to create inspires innovation.
  When you sit in an office chair, bored with your life having Guccied your hubby out of credit and home, I will be doing what I love; Changing the world with my taste and vision.
  Teaching hundreds of students,  discipling tens more; changing the thoughts about SpEds with the words from my heart; creating endless designs as I network the world around you; painting my world in colours I only dream about, now; kissing everyone in my circle with the mass splash of excitement that over flows from my mind.
  And if it's not that exciting, I'll still be creating from my heart. My art and design will never end, even in a small apartment, where I kick back on a futon with a Brooklyn Lager, married to my sweetheart on my macintosh accepting calls from all I networked with tens of commissions at a time.
  This life is my creation and as such I follow my own rules. I break the flaws of design to make way from the law of my art. THe world is my canvas, with colours you clearly can't see. We share it in flux, changed always and constantly by those who try.
  I will never stop.
  You can't make me.
  Design is my passion.
  Art is my soul.
  And with God on my side, I will never be in misery.
  Not like you, who never try.

(Inspired by those around me, directed at some who aren't, for the pleasure of the rest who are not miserable in their creation)

Thursday, May 31, 2012


So a passed yet another Semester at school.
At my job, I'm learning the in and outs of the technical mechanical side of my T-shirt company, so I can do print and Design and get more hours.
Life with the Cute One is the bomb!

Life is generally good.
I'm currently really hooked on the Grizzly Bear's Two Weeks which I heard on WFUV.
I mean they just got this great sound. It's chilling and smooth and cheerful and I haven't heard it since a trip I took in 2008.

I'm currently working on my next Social Card, since I don't do business
Which is quite an endeavor since I'm dropping my old logo for something more geeky and artsy.
More on that as it happens.

Considering moving my life blog to tumblr with my odd ball tumblings.
Hmmm..... thoughts.
More on the card later.


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Finals Week, Spring Two-Thousand & Twelve

So last weekend was exciting. In fact this whole year has been exciting and extraordinarily busy for me. Bouncing between School, Work, and the cute one's house, squeezing in time for friends like The Historian and Fandango (Fandango is my current nickname for my friend who happens to be gay, funny and into doing WHATEVER the fuck he wants), keeping my religion of going to Bailey's and the bar, keeping my faithful study of the bible and still finding the time to go to social functions at Dowling.
Since it's been so busy I haven't had the time to Blog, but I wish I had, because it's been quite interesting and of the forty or so readers I normally have with any given post I send I would imagine it would have been decent reading.
Alas, I have missed speaking my mind, uncensored, fierce and unorganized.
But I've been successful in the last semester.

I've been kicking ass at school. I am adamant to pass Photoshop with Professor Pink-Hair and Typography with Dr. Kolossus.
So far I've been a generally top graded student, building my portfolio and skill set at a pleasing rate.
Photoshop is taught by Kolossus's compliment, who has pink highlights and ton of animals at her home. She's funny, understanding and very good at teaching.
Kolossus still remains my favourite professor, his style, personality and implied talent attract me to him as a teacher and I wish I could have more classes under him.
Typography has been the most defining class, helping me better understand power of something as simple as Type. It's been creatively unleashing.
Much has Photoshop, as well. As I've been explore the open recesses of my visual imagination, letting ideas from my novel, humor and simply my taste escape onto the digital canvas.
Professor "Preface", my InDesign teacher, is a product of my design in the past. Her encouragement is appreciated and her teaching style, while not my favourite, is quite effective. Although, it was not for me, but I have excelled in that class, making it my least priority.
Professor Stefani, an older gentleman, night photographer who doesn't touch digital has been by far the intrigue of my semester. 2D design has helped me grasp the very basic under pinnings of art.
Alas, it's finals week and I'm working on Movie Poster for my Photoshop Final Project. I'm basing it on my novel and using the Historian as a character.
Alas I would like move on.

At work I've been busy. I think I mentioned the fact that Patrick and I, from Spectrum, went to Boston a month or two ago for a Conference on Autism and sensory disabilities.
I got to stand with, meet and listen to the top brass in Autism, Temple Grandin and her Mother. It was an honor and very busy. I even sold my St. Patrick's day autism shamrock shirt of my back to a customer. The same one I designed. It's a great shirt and I'm still waiting for Patrick to get me a new Yellow, Medium St. Patty's Shamrock shirt.
Yes, I'm looking at you.
Next Year, however, I'm going to the City with my friends Timmy and Teej.
I've noticed I've been getting faster with my designs, I went to work Monday and did three design jobs in five hours then packed up and left by 4:00P.M.
It was stupid short.
I might have to relax myself so I can my the hours worth the drive.
Kidding of course. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! Ha. ha. ha. … ha.

In this time my Portfolio, the one I made for that trip to Boston, has gotten fat thick with all my good shit and by summer I'll have to buy more nice binders and start Curating it.
Twenty of my best stuff to send to firms, small companies, School of Visual Arts, Cooper?
I'm modest with somethings, but not with this. I'm good, I'm REALLY good and I know it.
I wont deny that I have a ton to learn, but this is a talent, not just skill.
I think I might be able to make Cooper by the time I get my degree at Scruffolk.

So social life's been great. Hanging with Ian and Eric and the gang at school mostly, but trying to find time to attack them of campus. Most of my time outside of school is given to Meghan, the Cute one. But I try. I still play magic religiously every friday then hit the watering hole. (i.e. my sink, hahaha)
Been getting a lot better at Magic. My deck plays like a fine tuned machine these days and I'm working on deck building when I have the grace of spare time.
Mine and Meghan's "twue wuv" couple (We'll call them Smiley and Mickey for now) have been hooking up with us at the Dowling Campus's for dances and other such BS. It's hella fun when I'm looking for an excuse to get the hell out of the bar scene or what evs!
My other favourite Couple, by the way, is my Historian anarchist friend who found himself a girl with flaming hair who gives awesome hugs and is into everything geeky. It's ├╝ber cute.

Materialistically, I just recently finished John Scalzi's Old Man's War series in audio and started on the Hunger Games series. Finished the first book, but putting Catching Fire on hold (half way through) so I can read Steve Jobs since I picked up the copy at the Air Port today.
I also got an iPhone from my Mother this week. It's a 4S, it's gorgeous, it's so nice and I'm stoked to have a smart phone! Yeesh! It's pretty and somehow she knew to get an Otterbox defender case. I'm rough with my hardware. But hey! My mac is still going strong.

The Cute One and I are doing REALLY well after four months. Like REALLY GOOD.
I've been star struck before and in-love a couple and one times, but after everything that happened last year I've been a lot more reflective this last four months, looking back, examining what I have, calculating myself more, being more honest and spontaneous with myself and others. Not only am I more happy with myself, I feel like this thing that I have now is more real and more tangible than anything I've had before.
It's so good and so believable, practical and honest than anything.
She makes me happy in every way, all the time. No one's done that.
And I could go on about it's practicality, but I think that this is the one and if it is, at my age, I'm very lucky. And right now, I'm very much in love.
It's good to be in a relationship and for the first time not have the slightest fear that it could go wrong.
We actually just hung out yesterday, had chinese, went to Bailey's for free comic day and Cieslaks for cookies.

Cieslaks Modern Bakery by the way is a GREAT little Polish bakery in Lindenhurst Village that has the best Rainbow Cookies I've found on the island when their fresh. Try them on the weekends or friday nights. (I linked to Yelp!)

Last month my Mother, the matriarch of my family, had a reunion in the Outer Banks at Nags Head. It was so nice and relaxing.
I swear I went around the house and there were no clocks when I started to look for them and then I realized, "Oh! I'm on vacation, I don't need to know what time it is!" then would turn around and either nosh, laugh, kiss Meghan or drop a bad joke!
Yes, I took Meghan with me. We had SO much fun. Walking on the Board walk in Atlantic City the first night, enjoying the company of my family who hadn't seen in a long time, eating fresh food that my Aunt Jett made, doing what ever we wanted, making love on our terms, enjoying the salt in the air, enjoying the humour my family has to offer, not worrying for a moment about my school work.
It was the first real vacation I've had in over a year.

I wont talk about music today since I can't really think of anything to say on the topic. But I've been listening to Blind Pilot the whole time i've been blogging and it's really got me in the mood for spilling my heart out.

So as usual, may God bless you;
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, February 4, 2012


I don't do much tinkering anymore. It's something I crave. Like many of the things I stopped doing but didn't grow out of. Tinkering, modding, drawing, cooking. These are all things I love to do, I just don't.

So I've found some music I like that is under creative commons.
Check this out:

So, I'm really happy with Meghan. It's been about a month this Friday. I couldn't do anything on friday so I didn't bring it up since it appeared she hadn't noticed. She's not really one to watch the clock and I, myself, have an uncanny habit of keeping track of these things.
But, yeah, I'm happy. It's the smoothest month I've had in a long time and as far as I can see we're both really happy.

 I've got that zen thing back and I'm much more focused on what I want to be again. The whole of last semester, it feel like my energy and creativity are flowing freely again. I can write again, I feel alive and free.

There's a key difference in Love and Lost (not to be confused with lust), when you love someone, it's good for you and it doesn't damage you. More accurately, you don't damage yourself. That's at least the way I see it.
You can hurt yourself to no end holding onto to something you think makes you happy, but it's nothing compared to a person who makes you happy.
And if you don't understand, then maybe it's because you don't want to.

Or maybe I'm just a raving idiot because I love someone.

Hey, I wouldn't deny the possibly that I could be a raving idiot. But I'm not! How often have really talked about my feelings for someone in a blog. THat is to say, using the L-word? Hardly ever in the moment, yes?  Something's different and I like it.

So school is moving along and I'm not that interested this semester. It's all software and drawing. The only class that really interests me is our class with Dr. Kolossus. Typographic Design.
It's funny! I got in the class with a bunch of my other friends and colleagues from Kolossus' Basic class last semester. I'm still sat next to the Croatian and now the Veg is on my otherside with the Fashionable one. Ferdinand (and if you're reading this, it's not an insult, I'm just not using your actual name) and the Music Buff still sit across the room and so does Lazy Bones, who I've recently gain a new found respect for in terms of design tast.
Of the new ones, we've got The Girl with Hair like Ramona Flowers, Her friendly friend, Hipster Steve (Our favourite hispanic! – bit a of an inside joke) and a handful of others who haven't seen enough of to really label yet. (You know who you are)
Jenna's also in the class. She doesn't really talk to me or acknowledge me without me asking, but I respect her as a colleague in the highest degree. She's really quite smart and I've been trying to lay down some olive branches. I certainly ask her for help if I want it.

I don't think I really talked about what happened between me and her last month. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, but she decided for some reason or another that I was an asshole and that she didn't want to be a friend of mine anymore.
Honestly, I don't know what exactly did happen. Last I'd heard we were on good terms and the next thing I know I'm being yelled at. This hurt, but I respect that decision and it's hers to make. But I wont give her special treatment, that would be unfair and could be spiteful.
I mean, having your new boyfriend drive you to your exes house and then ignoring him yelling things like "shut the fuck up" and "worthless" at your ex is not my idea of class. But that's more of the gentleman, himself who I hold accountable to that idiocy. I'll admit I may have not heard him correctly when he was cussing me out from the middle of the street, but I reserve the right to make my own judgements based on what happened.
I hope she ends up happier than she was with me, I really do.

My photoshop class is bullshit easy, InDesign not really an issue and 2D design has a really long winded but really quirky artist for a professor. I like him, he's old and cool with good music taste and a knack for nighttime black and white film photography.

Last night my aunt exploded at me for arguing with her about something I wasn't even arguing and to save going to into detail I'm going to segue to the fact that we talked today and discussed the fact that we haven't been talking much these days and worked out a schedule and agreements and decided we'd talk more.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


So it's January the eleventh of two-thousand & twelve.
The new years stands for me always to be a reflective time for me that spans from noon on new years eve to about bedtime on my birthday as they are twenty three days apart
Being my birthday in twelve days and roughly a year since I landed here in the tri-state area, I find myself unable to sleep and in turn reflective.
So with the start of a new year, many turn to futile gestures of new years resolutions, I however look back at this year and find that twenty eleven was in and of itself the year of resolutions on my part.
I've had a lot thrown at me and while I can't say I was always at my best, in fact in some cases I was at my worst; I do have to say I really pushed my potential to new heights.
The ups and downs have brought me unexpected to a point of human perfection, if you can handle the paradox.
I came here looking for work and I found it and went to work at a factory as a machinist and setup. It was fun, I honed a proper work ethic and skills. And now I work in the field of my study at Spectrum Designs doing what I love. I get paid for what I love to do! I got work!
I came here to go to school, too, and I'm an A student in all my core classes. Those classes helped me hone skills that put me in my current employment!
I've had my up and downs with love and caring and friends. I've been heart broken a few times, sometimes by the same person thrice. As always, however, moved on with stride taking what I learned. I mean, I failed in the summer and Jenna and I, I guess, just weren't compatible.
I've become more honest, not with others, but with myself and become more believing in who I am and who I wanted to be when I came here. 
It's taken time to lose it and regain it, but my faith is stronger than ever in humanity, love and Jesus! I crave the peace that I once was so excited to spread, again!
ANd the friends I've collected, at this point I have the perfect collection of friends! From Tim's influence, to my Master's ranting, from the prodding of Dr. Kolossus to the prodding from Techy, from politics with the Historian to romance with the Cute One!

SO much has molded me this year and lead me in fifty directions until reaching this point where I sit.

I sit now, at the beginning of a year unwanted of new years resolutions, ready for the next year of my LIFE to begin.
I am exactly where I wanted to be a year ago and even where I was unawarely yearning for all this time.

I have the job of my dreams at Spectrum Designs Foundation with Patrick and Alex and Nicole and even Mr. Nicholas. I'm doing what I love for a cause I so very much believe in and I don't think I ever want to stop!
I'm studying what I've always wanted to since I was old enough to know what artist meant.
Come Thursday a year of hard work may come to fruition at long last.
I have terrific friends locally and at school and in New York City. Whether I go to Friday Night Magic to see Henry, Jay, Tim and TJ; head out to the Hampton's or catch a train into the city, I always have friends to lean on for guidance, support or good humour.
I'm becoming the person I want to be. The same person I wanted to be when I was sitting in church more than a year ago. Now, I understand what I wanted so much more.
And there's this person I've know for several months and since the day I saw her, I knew on some level I liked her, but I didn't want to jump the gun. I'd messed up doing that before. Well, the feeling was mutual and we've since become good friends. We recently became more and I'm really happy.
Like seriously, we get along on so many levels, like so many of the same things, our signs match, we've got a good history. When we're together, I feel more at peace than I think I've felt in over a year.

It's been a hard year. Adapting, changing, searching, learning. I mean, this peace I get from everything (her, work, me) almosts makes me want to cry, like in a good way. It washes over me.

Happy new year it is.