Fear

I have Arachnophobia, Acrophobia, Algophobia, Decidophobia and Aviophobia.

Now, for those who don't know (or possibly live in a cave), Phobia is a word that is derived from phóbos, a Greek word meaning morbid fear.

The difference between a fear and a phobia is that most phobias are nonsensical.

For example I used to by fine with bugs and insects pretty walking or setting on my hands and arms, but in the past five years I've had a terrible fear of spiders that makes tense up and freeze up something fierce.

And one of my friends a fear of doctors that as hard I try I just can't make them shake since they have this imprinted image in their minds of some evil being that's going to poke them to death.

On of the ways I live is that whenever possible to force myself to face my illogical fears and phobias.

Like Acrophobia, the fear of heights. I've always been afraid of high places but I've always fought that tried climbing on top of the highest point I can get to.

I love going to high places and love that feeling of vertigo you get when you look down from the roof of ten to a hundred-two story building or that feeling of accomplishment you get once you make it to the top of that small mountain of cliff. Yet, I am scared to death of heights and I guess maybe that's why I like it.

Sometimes I've got a paradox like, I fear pain, like physical, but I much prefer the sting of physical pain to the fester and burn of emotional pain, which is unavoidable.

I also have a few social phobias too. Like the fear of rejection, but as broken as our society is I suppose that's normal among most of us at this point.

Decidophobia is the fear of making decisions and is completely illogical but at the same time it makes sense.

Because some of us, even as bad as the situation may be in one area of our current life, find something so good and great in the now that we don't want that to change, even when it's inevitably going to change whether we make that decision or not.

Or maybe it's the risk that scares us, the fear that if we make that decision we could get something so great or if we fail we could end up with nothing or less than we started.

It could be that way on both paths of the decision too.

But even that's illogical since there is always a way to pick yourself back up and start over, at least in this world.

Either way, I have decidophobia and for whatever reason sometimes if not most of the time I hate making decisions.

Even indirect decisions like, "What's your favourite Music, Colour, Poet" or "Who's your Best(est) Friend (Since I got more than one BFF)"

I mean my taste in music is something that changes almost weekly and I have three favourite Colours (Crimson/Red, Navy/Blue, Onyx/Black).

I don't want to say that any one person is my favourite or best(est) friend because A) I can't really pick, I love most all my friends. B) I don't want to hurt or disappoint any of my friends (That's kind of what I don't like about MySpace)

But since I'm supposed to live a life where I face the things I fears and enjoy the things I shouldn't then I'm supposed to make the decision where I'm afraid and where I see fit.

In fact recently something told me or asked me, "Where are you going? What are you going to do?"

I'm seventeen, trying to get my G.E.D. and I'm starting over. So now would be a time to think and decide "where am I going?".

So I've decided what I know I want to do.

It's something that I've thought about before and something that appeals to me in a way nothing else has before.

I mean I can go that direction and still go into Technology and Programming and Hacking at the same time.

So speaking my favourite music here is my Favourite songs at the moment:

1. Jacket By David Vandervelde and the Moonstation House Band.

2. Heaven Weeps by David Vandervelde, a Nashville resident from Michigan.

3. Call by Fireflight, , Christian Post-Grunge group straight out of Florida.

4. Over the Pond by The Album Leaf, a solo project by James LaValle who played Guitar with Tristeza.

5. Star of the Show by Fireflight.

6. Voices by Disturbed, a Chicago born heavy metal band.

7. 疾走 (Shissou) by ラスト・アライアンス (Last Alliance), a Japanese Rock Band from Tokyo.

8. Eifersucht (Meaning: Jealousy) by Rammstein, a Berlin born Transmetall Group.

9. This Picture by Placebo, one of my favourite emo Alternative Rock bands straight out of Gravesend England.

10. Dramamine by Modest Mouse, an Indie Band from a suburb in Seattle.

Thank you For reading, may God bless, do good work,

-Brent Lillard