Monday, April 26, 2010

Last few days

Did you know all children are sociopaths? I believe it to be true.
Sorry, about that....

Given my last few of blogs were bit deep into rather specific subjects and tonight I just feel like life blogging.

So, to start, Wednesday was the first day I got to hold Synago (Greek; "Gather". A Student lead study and devotion) at my own house.
Well, it was a rather normal Wednesday. I got up and showered, washed the slime out of my hair, and went on a merry way.
Well, after killing (with a pitch fork) four hours I left my house around 1605 (4:05P.M.) and started off for the church, to meet for Bell Choir.
Normally, because I walk everywhere within town (unless accepting a ride from a friend), I leave my house an hour before I have to show up at the church (Or pretty much any of my other destinations that are not on Bus. 60); but Wednesday I just needed out so I left, knowingly, two hours early. Well, around 1650 (4:50PM) I arrived in the church parking lot and I forgotten, because my dreadful memory and perception of time, that I had left a hour earlier than normal.
Needless to say, I flipped, thinking for three minutes that Bell Choir may have canceled. Quickly there after I regained my senses and realized that it was only sixteen hundred and continued to wall in circles around W. Grant.
In the process I listened to a nooma. 012 Matthew, about mourning and grieving. Why? I dunno, I hadn't listened to that one in a while and I thought I would. It was interesting.
So around my fifth lap I ran into my friend Kyle and we walked to the church and waited for the rest of Bell Choir to show.
On the subject of bell choir I've gotten better, but I still need practice. It's been so long since I actually played any decent music that I'm terrible at counting in my head. I used to be so good when I played the piano everyday....
Anyway, practice went well. Though Eleshia randomly called me and put me in an awkward situation.... But practice went well.
After practice I got a ride from my girlfriend's mom back to my house and Emma, my girlfriend, ended up staying at my house until Synago.
We played an interesting game of Go that ended rather anticlimactically with me winning. Personally I feel kind of bad cause I think I won by thirty something points....
Around the end game people started arriving. Eleshia first, Kyle and Larry second.
There were some almost random questions like what my PC OS was and whether or not me and Emma had kissed and what exactly Larry was capable of doing on my bed....
It's always entertaining to have three people laying on your bed at once.
Synago itself went very well. We talked a lot about how 9/11 (September 11th, 2001) effect our lives, the outlook of Americans, and the general path of history since.

For me, 9/11 has impacted me in many ways. In the months that followed citizens were searchign for missing people, as if lost in some genocidal war. My father, being a Fire Fighter and Fire Captain, was deeply effected by the countless fire fighters who entered and never escaped. My dad would say that all Fire Fighters were brethren, no matter if they knew each other's names or locations. My birth mom who lived in New York (or near the city in New Jersey) was effected, even directly, by it and has shared stories about the general aftermath with the surrounding areas. Seeing the twin towers collapse changed my outlook on life, the world and politics, at a very young age.

For me, it told me that America was no untouchable, that War (even if not legally claimed to be) was not something that happened in a far away land, that people die fast and that how they live their lives have nothing to do with it, and that even in chaos there is hope and beauty.

By Hope and Beauty, I mean this:
There is a picture of three firefighters raising the flag over at ground zero.
In times of strife and trouble, Americans, humans as a people always find hope.

Thursday was interesting. Went to Devo, as usual, then walked to the church to help Misti set up for Youth Sunday (which was, like, Sunday) and that was fun, and random....
Got to start early on our latest fundraiser!

Friday threw a bit of a sucker punch at me.I had no plans, so I was just lazing around my bed room watching Hulu and reading my bible and listening to... Placebo and Greenday.
Well, around 1530 my phone must have failed, because Shane was trying to get a hold of me and couldn't. So Larry IMs me on Facebook chat (Adium is amazing!) and tells me that I have forty five minutes to get ready for a Matrix Trilogy movie night. So I, at the speed of thunder-asunder, take a shower, brush my teeth, paint my nails (all but one, which I had to do in Larry's car) and I don't have enough time to straighten my hair (which is okay, cause Emma likes my hair the way it normally is. Only Shane has accused me of having Ferrah Hair naturally and I'm not quite sure how to take that....) before Larry had arrived.
So we take off for the Oracle's house (HA!) and we gather in her basement, when I receive the Ferrah comments.
Now, what surprised me is that Emma actually showed up. Her parents are strict on the MPAA ratings and don't let her watch R rated stuff often. So this was her first viewing of the Matrix, as it was for Susan, too. So I was excited for them!
I mean, I love the Matrix! Such a deep philosophical movie with over driven action and effects and style that raised the bar and pushed the boundaries of movie making several years ago.
Love it!
So, seriously! A good seven hours on a confortable sofa, surrounded by friends, got my girlfriend in my arms, watching the Matrix Trilogy, seeing Keanu Reeves showing emotion (WOW!) and taking analyzing the philosophical subtext of the films.

So alas, Sunday was good too. I got up early and walked to Church, went through the motions, prepared for Youth Sunday Service, did the service with everyone else, played bells, played a "Owen Wilson as Shaggy Doo" Jesus and went on my merry way.
The service was great!
I was proud of everyone.

Of course, that evening, Misti taught her last part of the Love Revolution at Youth. It's been a great series of lessons she put together based on her Joyce Meyer book.
It ended really well and hopefully, that's not where it ends.
I intended to take Misti up on her challenge and challenges every week.
To show love to everyone.

Anyway, it's late, I'm kind of hungry and very tired. I need to sleep.
Thank you for reading & may God bless.

Shalom & Raya,

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Spacey, Dude!

So it's abotu 0600 and I can't sleep anymore so I was thinking, just now, about how we are made. No, not in the reproductive sense, I understand that just fine.
Although this does bring to mind a rather awkward conversation I had at my girlfriend's the other day.... ANYWAY!
So I was contemplating the concept that we humans are made mostly of empty space, and so is all matter.
You see, we are made of countless atoms and Atoms are made of subatomic particles. Well, an Atom has a core of clustered particles called a nucleus and around the nucleus there are these particles called electrons essentially popping all around the nucleus, not really orbiting it.
Well, here's the funny part: Between the electrons the nucleus is a large amount of space.
Atoms atoms are made mostly of space, all matter is made of atoms. Matter is made mostly of space. So you are made mostly of space.
Trippy, huh?

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Beauty of Spirit...

One of the things I think sets me apart from the majority or typical male around my age is something I am most proud of. It is that I find beauty not so much in the visual or physical appearance of a person or people, but in their being, spirit and mind.

A friend of mine, Susan, has a phrasing she uses:
Seeing the world through our spiritual eyes.
One of the things I often quite appalling in my own circle is that a number of my friends base their romantic intentions entirely on "Yea, but she's hott".
While in my own relationship, though I thoroughly admit to being physically attracted to her (comparable to being knock on my bottom), I am attracted to who my girlfriend is and that is what makes me want her romantically.
I mean, I have a number of sexy friend, whether they be male or female is a non-issue, but I'd much rather spend quality time with someone than stare at their fine figure.
But again, this isn't romance and this isn't sex. I may get into that later, though.

No, this is about general beauty of spirit.

Now, what brought this one was I was watching some videos on Vimeo earlier when I came across a video posted by Mars Hill of what appeared to be a real walk for water by a group of Rwandan people.

Upon first glance, this may seem a primitive group of African people in modern day forced to walk miles for water. But watching it, I saw something more.
These are not primitive people. Look at them. They dress like us, give or take some cultural differences. They have machinery that filters their water. They clean their feet before putting on shoes.
What caught my eyes, or rather my throat, is that they are not primitive, they are beautiful and proud.
Now, this is in a country on a massive wild continent torn by decade aged wars and chaos.
But watching a video of people having to walk miles for water, I am not emotionally struck by their poverty. I am emotionally stricken by their pride, their spirits and their beauty as a community.
Many women hold their jars of water on their head. Some of them, particularly a pair of older women, literally balance the water on top of their head without effort.
Along their walk they sing.
Some of them are seen with wide smiles on their faces. (I think that's partly because one of them was safe under her parasol)

Now, a year ago I went on a mission trip to an Indian Reservation in New Mexico. It was the middle of bloody no where, literally a hole in the ground surrounded by higher plateau and cliffs, couldn't get a cellular signal to save your life (not so reassuring) and it was the most beautiful place in the world.
A few of us (gringos) went for a hike up the nearest mountain with a young woman named Candice, who was native, and we made it nearly the top of the cliff.
Now, on this trip I had been descending into a deeper depression after a certain bit of drama kind of opened the flood gates on the way down there, but that was not stopping my resolve. I wanted to get to the top and mind you there was land mark I had set in my head to touch.
There was a cross on the summit of the plateau that sat kind of lopsided, stuck in a pile of rocks heavy enough to trebuchet me from that cliff to perhaps the next nearest mountain.
Well, in my resolve me and Candice, and her sisters and cousin, walked aroudn the cliff until we found a nice bit of cliff that rigged enough to climb up and so we did.
There I was, standing on top of this mountain overlooking miles of native American wilderness, developed only by the select few who, perhaps not as wealthy as us, natives who lived on this land.
It was the most beautiful place I had ever been and I just couldn't get over it.
It was like a place of spiritual rest and invigoration.
In that week during which I had been hurt and thrown back into a mess of emotional unrest, I found spiritual peace on top of a mountain in the middle of the American wasteland.
Me, a guy who blogs semi-weekly, does a video blog weekly, carries an iPod, digital camera and a flash drive with him where ever he goes and owns a Macintosh and a hacked to death PC climbs up a mountain where there is no cellular signal, where he has no camera, no iPod, no electronic device and there he looks around him and sees everything from horizon to horizon and in that place there is nothing else he wants but to stay there forever.

I'm a techie, I'm a hipster and I need my phone and my camera and you MacBook Pro. But I would give it all up to be at a place as spiritual and peaceful as that.

I think there is something we lose when we gain so much. It's not something we can't regain and I'm definitely not saying that having a lot is bad. I mean, I'm talking about this through Blogging, clearly I appreciate this technological crap.

When we become used to all the things we have we become biased. We forget the appreciation for the little things or the pride of the skills we don't use anymore.
In massive cities privacy is something we all have, but in a small town like this it's a little hard. But I don't care, I have nothing to hide and if the locals think I'm crazy or weird, they're right. I appreciate the community and I appreciate the group of unique and non-stereotypical individuals I have come to know as my friends.

I appreciate the beauty that this desolate area has to offer. The cloudy violet sunrises, the doves and cardinals, the suburbs and their charms. And I appreciate the unparalleled beauty of that plateau in New Mexico or the wilderness in New York and the industrial city in NYC.

Something we all are guilty of missing is he beauty in the people and the events in our.
As Christian, I try my utmost best to see through spiritual eyes. As human being, I try my best to see others with compassion and mercy.
Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes I don't forget that they are human but I speak with hatred and act in discontent. That's all me.
But I do believe that true beauty is something born in us all and that often times that beauty is cluttered with a bunch of crap, the crap we get with all the bias, material and modernization.

Those people in Rwanda would give a lot to have the house I live in, with running hot and cold water, especially, I know. But I would give a lot to have the community and pride that they have and to share their beauty.

And that cliff where I stood with Candice, unable to stifle my rambling, I would never write another blog, make another video or even send a another text message so long as I could exist in a place like that.

Big words for a blogger, but it's true.

So I've rambled on enough for this morning so I will bid you a do.

Shalom and may God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, April 5, 2010

Silence, Faith and Rock.

Wow, I've been blogging more than usual, lately...
It seems, actually, I've gone from a person who tried to create a system for his own blogs to a simple life blogger.
I like life blogging, it allows me to talk about the thoughts on my head that keep poking at the sides of my skull even if they aren't that pressing.

Well, today is a kind of boring day and contrary to my original intentions I haven't really done anything.
I had planned on going for a walk today and maybe checking out a local store in down town called Ben Franklyn, which seems to be the oddity store around here. But I haven't gone yet and I don't really feel like window shopping, really.
However, I may walk that way, anyway.

So anyway, I logged onto Facebook today saw a video that Rob Bell had made and put up on Vimeo talking about the Resurrection and what it means. As usual, the message was lifting and energizing

Exciting much? What I want to know, is who did the music?! That was a cool collection of sounds!

Anyway, this got me thinking about my own beliefs. I mean, I have said, time and time again, that my foundation of faith in God is based on my perception of a natural universe and because of that perception and my interpretation of the God of Israel I believe in the Jewish God and because of my interpretation of that God and my interpretation of Jesus teaching I believe in Jesus Christ.
Father Abraham, son of Terah, believed that God partook of this universe, he spoke to a God that wanted to make a difference in the world at that moment using the creation it had made in it's image, in a time when most of the world believe in a multiple gods and goddesses that either existed in the past or in a realm far, far from the earth we stand on.
At the time, this was radical, but thousands of years later a prophet and rabbi named Joshua (Yhoshva) had claimed to have been sent from God himself, he claimed to be God's Son.
Now, today this man is known better as Jesus Christ and Jesus reminded his followers that God is not a being of the past, but a being in the now. He showed us that being a human means we are made of God's essence, we matter and our lives matter.
What yanks me into belief is what some people would call coincidence. Everything in my life is connected, every person, every action, every off-handed comment has lead me to this point like a precise set of dominoes that wraps around the earth a thousand times.
It's a pattern that is seen in everyone's life. A connected set of "coincidences" that lead so precisely to very specific events that interconnect to so many others.
Every time I doubt, I am reminded how intricate the patterns of the past and present are and how it feels in the presence of creativity and love.
I mean there is a lot more to this, but too much to write in a blog.....

So that was an interesting tangent, kind of.
So today has turned out rather uneventful. I had called my Girlfriend to see if she wanted to do anything, but something else was in way, which is cool and I never did get around to taking that walk.

Ahead in the week I plan on bring to the attention of some of my friends April 16th, this years "Day of Silence".
The National Day of Silence, for those of you who don't know, is a day when Students, from Middle school to College, participate in a massive protest against the silencing, bullying and general persecution of L.G.B.T. Teens by taking a vow of silence.
On the National Day of Silence hundreds of thousands of students nationwide take a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment in their schools.
While I don't go to school, I will live out my day completely silent, communicating with writing when required and I plan to ask some of my friends to participate as well. Especially my friends who I am directly out to as a pansexual.
I already know several people here who are homosexual, bisexual or otherwise and I know that some are in the closet, essentially silenced in fear of their peers, family or fellow citizens in this small town who would no doubt snub or harass them.
I myself am out to almost all of my friends, including one of them who outward claims homophobia, but in fear I am constantly forced by my fear to remain silent from my family.
My struggle with being in the closet and discovering and identifying my own sexuality, which I can't control, was made extremely difficult by the silence of and persecution of LGBT people in general.
It's the 21st century, this is America, let's start making sense.

And it has just come to my knowledge that my black nail polish has come to it's... demise. I must procure some new nail polish.
I had been using Sally's (Thankies, Caeleigh!) but Emma (Radsome GF) had told me about a particular brand, however for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.... I'll ask her Wednesday at bell choir and try it Thursday. I also want to get a dark green and, as Shane put, gun metal blue.
For reference, I only do my left hand.

So, on a short music rant, I haven been listening to a lot of 1960 Rock 'n' Roll. It started with Buffalo Springfield..... Oh dear....

Anyway, I think I will call this one and watch a movie.
As usual, thank you for reading.

Do good work and may God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Weird, silly and stormy night

Okay, so in the past several months a lot of weird stuff's happened to me.
Tonight is on the more silly and logical side of the spectrum but still weird.

So to start, I've met a bunch of people from the D.H.S. (Definitive Hysteria Syndrome) , I've found I get along with my G-F's-Ex almost famously, That my camera is like flashing trench-coat Jesus (Let the kids come forth), that HOUSE (1986, Steve Minor) is a cheesy movie, I've par taken in good conversation, eating at diner at 0212 and been locked out of my house and forced into my friend's instead.....

So, now I sit listening to my own remix of a Rammstein song in Kyle's "family room" at what the computer says is 3:33 Ante Meridiem.

I got some awesome pictures and funny video of everyone which will eventually find itself on YouTube and facebook.

So, on a random note, a song named "Crayons" by a talented and funny man name Matthew Woolfrey. So this would be a good time to talk about one of my favourite blogs:
It was written and sung in honor of the Leffew Family of Gay Family Values.
It's a really cute and deep song that starts out, from what I can tell, in the perspective of Jay and Brian's adopted children, talking about the fact that they are brought up in a fair and balanced house hold with morals, love and everything they could possibly need.
I'll embed the video bellow, for those who are on Facebook or if the video fails here is the link.

I really like Jay and Brian Leffew's video blogs on Youtube. They post at least once a week, have about five children, are active in the Gay Right's Movement and are open to taking questions. If you get the chance and are at all interested or curious about what a household with two father's looks like check out their YouTube at: Http://
Their influence has had a big part in my struggle when I was in the closet and they have been an inspiration for me to be proud and out about my pansexuality as well as to continue believing that their is hope for people like me and them in a world full of judgement and hatred.

So what else to talk about.... (Slipknot just started playing, what a change in mood from "Am I Blue" by Billie Holiday, 1929)

So, yeah, tonight was a lot of fun. Like I said I got to meet a few people I'd heard about, but never met(Steven and Blake and, I think, Sara[h?]).
I was oddly not as surprised as I thought I might be at how well got along with a couple of them.

And the video I got of Rachel attacking Alec was classic, as well as the rant about Hitler's diet.

Now, here's something that bugs me: How many time on the internet have you seen people make fun of Nazis, Nazi Germany and Adolph Hitler? Okay? You got a massive number? (If not, go to 4chan)
Now, if you follow Celebrity News (which I don't, I heard about this when passing through my living room), you've probably heard of Jesse James' photo of him posing as Hitler at what was likely a party of "friends" involving some alcohol..... Now, out of the millions of people who pull stunts like this, they find a celebrity doing such a thing begin making claims that he's a sympathizer? I mean, seriously. I have friends, good friends, who make stabs at Nazism on occasion and no one throws a fit over it. I also have gone to Anime Conventions where thousands of people with thousands of cameras gather. I have seen people walking down the halls in full Nazi Germany uniforms. (Which, might I add, are fabulous uniforms. If nothing else, you have admit Hitler had excellent taste in fashion)
Now, I can't speak for Mr. James, but implying that he fancies Nazism based on a photograph like that seems awfully ungrounded.
I hate the American Media........ More than I hate Politics.

So, on a slight music rant, I'm currently listening to Norah Jones' new album, "The Fall", 2009, and it is excellent. I don't normally listen to stuff this mainstream, but Norah Jones has a very clean, mellow and raw sound to her music, which I appreciate most often in Indie music.
The first song I heard from this album was "Young Blood" which she played at the 9-9-9 Apple Keynote event (September 9, 2009) where she played the song for the first time live.

And lightening just struck so hard it shook this whole house and it's still going... ... ... wow!
2009/04/03/0426, this is Brent Matthew Lillard, I have experienced an encounter with electricity! Shiny~

Well, as it would seem, I have run out of things on my mind that I wish to share and this music is really soft and I'm kind of tired so I think I may meditate and pray and enjoy the thunder storm.
I love thunder storms, they remind me of my dad.

Goodnight or morning or day, depending on when you read this in your part of the world.

Good health, may God bless.

Brent Matthew Lillard