Thursday, December 9, 2010

Crystaline, pt. 1

Crystaline, it does not dissolve, but shatters like violent waves that cut through the tissue and break at the bone. You hold hot iron, I cherish lead, but when the sky shatters none of that matters. You are the one who will stand when no one says you can. You will will look upon it's fragments when hell rains down upon the distant crag. It will wash away impurities, but can you survive that? Can you exist without them? He couldn't. No, not yet.
He cried out. He escaped like a coward. He ran and screamed at god in her love. She did not answer. She put him on a a shelf and in a jar where his screams would not extend.
This is about you. Who are you? Do you know who you are? If you think you do, you are probably wrong. You are not short, you are not pretty, you are not strong, you are not like me, you are not who I wish you were, you are not my pain, you are not my pride, you disgust me, but you do not. So who are you?
You are beautiful.
Where does this go from here?
You are the finder, I am the searcher. I will question and you wont answer. You will run, like you have. Like I have in my cowardice.
I ran from the truth. I was frightened of the constructs. I am physically scarred to prove it. She ran, always ran because of the lies she told herself. Who is she? She was many. She would have ran eventually, but did so early in her fear of the lies within herself. He ran because he was not afraid, he just didn't know it. Who was he? He was a few good souls. He may have walked away, but only after he had learned. They ran, because they were cowards. Who were they? They were the ones who tore down the broken. They were the ones who, because of their insecurities, I became a believer in mercy and became wiser and even enraged.
I want the questions. Even if the answer is more questions, it excites me. I want to walk that road, covered by the fragments of the sky that burn in the brimstone. The storm is not that which I fear, it is that which cleanses and washes away the blood and black flame that awaits us further. It is that which we channel when we hold that person in our arms, when we shake the hand of them or meet the lips that we miss so long. It is that which strikes fear in us all. It is the essence of God herself. It is the essence of life lasting and it will tear us down, but we need it.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Annoyances of the church.....

So, if you will bare with my theological examination, I heard a teacher in a church of a conservative denomination recently speak of a time when Israel reigned hell on another ancient civilization some thousands of years of years ago. THis other society was a corrupt and cowardly society that would attack Israel when the armies were away and steal from the elderly, women and children.
In the stories, God said to destroy the entire society. The first time, the isrealis left the children alive. So generations later, under a new name, he civilization continued reigning terror on Israel's weak.
So in one fell swoop of genocide, Israel wiped t he civilization of the face of the earth and there hasn't been mention of the society since.

Now, in context, I understand that those were primitive times where entire societies were born and destroyed constantly. I mean, today if we are attacked by another Nation, it is only natural that we invade to quell the source before our people are further harmed. So, while not at all moral, it is logical that genocide was chosen, because they had learned from their past experiences.

So upon asking him about God being a loving god, he responded in saying that "God loved the israeli's more than the other people."
I wasn't convinced.
Jesus and his followers believed that God was love. Genesis describes God mostly as a creator who loved all he created. They followers of Jesus spread their faith among gentiles, because they believed, as I do, that God loves every in the same quantity.
I myself see love as a constant, but that as humans we see it's many forms and try to quantify it as such

That being said, I don't think God plays favourites. God loves me as much he loves the meth dealer in Bernie and as much as he loves the Atheists who thinks I'm clinically delusional.
God loves the Buddhists as much as the Muslims as much as the Hebrew.
But that's just my beliefs and my beliefs do not require you to believe.

Much love,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Ooooh the Glasses.....

So I need new glasses, because my prescription has changed dramatically. It's only fitting that in the last week or so I've misplaced them in the jungle paradise that is my room. (Imagine mid 1960s Vietnam forestry)
On the subject of glasses and the 1960s, I watch an internet podcasting show by Revision3 called ByteJacker in which the community leaves video comments and is very active amongst themselves. Recently I returned from my absence and left a video comment with my hair let out and one my friends, Joe Larson of, stated that my hair reminded him on John Lennon. Also, that if I got some circle lens glasses and married an asian I'd by Lennon incarnate. Of course, that last part was a joke, but it got me thinking!
You see, I've become a big fan of the late and great John Lennon and I've always wanted a pair of circular glasses even before I knew who he was. So, partly out of curiosity and as a joke I took a picture of myself and then took it to GIMP on my mac and superimposed a pair of Lennon style spectacles upon my face and not only did it come very realistic, but I think it looks good on me!
But, yes, those glasses do not exist! I am very proud of this piece of work, but I made them a bit too big.
On a Lennon note, though, his music was recently remastered and released again this year and I SOOOO wish I had some of it. I love his music, yet I hardly have anyone of my own.
On a ByteJacker note, I recently discovered that embedded video recorders on the web using the Flash Player from adobe do not recognize or start the iSight camera on my MacBook Pro anymore. I sniff a conspiracy. I think Steve Jobs' personal vendetta with adobe is the cause of this universal "malfunction" as a great deal of the ByteJacker views have been experiencing the same problem over the last two weeks.
On a gaming note, Monday I recieved my first online purchased good from Amazon. Jak & Daxter: The Lost Frontier. I love the Jak & Daxter Series and I wanted to see how the game was since Naughty Dog sold the rights to High Impact.
In short, however, the controls are a bit stiff and sluggish on the PS2, but that's understandable since it's a different company who's trying to fill rather big shoes. Plus, the game was originally designed and released parallel to the Sony PSP.
The story is a bit cliche, but not to the point of hideousness. Once I got used to the controls I found the game quite charming. Bringing back the Ecos, Daxter getting fur, Keira becoming a sage and Jak being generally a happy camper is something I've been waiting for since the opening of Jak II and while the the original Trilogy is the best, this game can stand up as the first jak game from High Impact and I think with a sequel they can do the series a bit more justice.
In terms of buying goods and checking out products, I heard about a really cool protable bluetooth speaker called the Jambox from Jawbone. The specs are nice and Jawbone generally makes good stuff, but I was really impressed by their promotional video on the sight. It's just one of those ads that really demonstrated the product in the a sensible, practical way and still being very entertaining.
Long story short, the Jambox is really cool. I want one, but I can't afford to blow US$200 it so I wont bother. But I thought the promo was cool and I just had to share it.
(As a side note, this product was Merlin Mann's pick of the week this week on MacBreak Weekly on the TWiT.TV live streaming & podcasting network.)
Another more funny and much older ad I wanted to share, because it's YouTube style at it's best, really, is the OraBrush video on how to find out if your breath sticks. You use a spoon. Check it out.

When I was sixteen I was told by Rusty and then learned soon there after that "Spooning leads to Forking".

Well, that's all I wanted to share with you. So thank you for reading.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, November 11, 2010


So, weird rant, but the humor of last glee episode got me to thinking of what ever there was that could turn me off or kill my buzz, because I think too much.
So I got to thinking and I really can't think of one thing that kills it for me and, yes, that has been a problem.
I mean, seriously! It's like a machine with adamantium cogs. You keep trying to throw monkey wrenches into the gears, but they just wont stop!
On the other hand, however, I have come to the conclusion that while there is the proverbial "buzz", it does not require a buzz kill to control my actions. It really comes down to choice and being a late blooming teenager I have learned one thing in my meandering: CHOICE IS HARD!
Alas, that's the only excuse there is, because when you polish away haze of hormones and pretty eyes, that leaves the fact that the whole time I was thinking perfectly logically and human-like to begin with, because I clearly I used logic to get my way. Thus is a matter of choice.
Thus leads the great question: what choice will one choose.
In the words of the Oracle, from the Matrix Trilogy, "No one can see past a choice they don't understand."
Now I'm turning a internal debate about my sex drive into a philosophical epiphany about free will, so I better stop here.
My gods, this is one of those moments where you read it and then you "facepalm" or "headdesk" or just admit that bloggers are just plain silly sometimes.

Anyway, on a less awkward note I have recently placed an order on Amazon for a game. It's the first product I've bought online, save my MacBook Pro, and it Jak & Daxter: The Lost Frontier for the PlayStation2. I only own one console and that would it, I haven't bought a new game for it in four years, save a replacement for a scratchy disc at the local pawn, so I figured I would get the 6th installment to one of my favourite game franchises. Anyway, it should arrive on my doorstep Monday Afternoon.
Today, because I was bored and didn't really feel like making the trip out to Malden to service my brakes (Yes, I'm lazy), I decided to pop in the direct predecessor of the game I ordered. Jak 3, I loaded up my latest play through save, being about 60% done and played it through a beat it. I have to say, the last battle is by far the easiest part of the game. It's really shameful, but it makes up for it in dramatics.

Back on the subject of the latest episode of Glee. I would just like to say that it was the best episode thus far, in my opinion. When that meathead kissed Kurt, I was blown away! I had no idea that would happen and he just SOLD it! Absolutely sold the role. And the Beast story arc was both funny and beautiful too.
Now I know blame is cute and played Harry Potter in Very Potter, but didn't know he could SING, much less ACT! It was impressive.
But still, I don't even know what to say about the episode, I'm still a bit speechless.
Also the music selection was excellent. Loved that they went a capella with Teenage Dream. It was perfect and the busking Bob Marley piece lit up my Wednesday, because I have a special place in my heart for the Bob Marley!

Anyway, that is all!

Brent Matthew Lillard

The Blind Archer, part 1

This is a haiku set I wrote a while back from my Perception Project.

Haiku for the Blind Archer
By Brent Matthew Lillard

You think you are so righteous,
but you scar my skin
And take no blame for the harm.

You only harm me, distant.
Not stepping nearer.
You do not try, but you do.

You are like the blind archer,
who from great distance
impales my thoughts light cancer

Still you are a blind archer,
you do not see it.
How you pierce my mind and heart.

©2010 Brent Matthew Lillard

Sunday, November 7, 2010


By Brent Matthew Lillard

There comes a time when love is undesirable. Where you wish it was gone from you like the dream you know was untrue. Where there isn't that confusion of what is real and what isn't. Where you know what is and what could not be. Where the lust, temptation and infatuation is drained from you and all you wish for is the knowledge—No! All you wish is for that person to love you without recognition or disposition against your world. You couldn't care about their physical core or the touch of their needs or the meaning in the face before the eyes. Where all that matters is in the eyes. The transference of the energy in the hands and not the hips. The lips, whilst they matter no more, act as the conduit to somewhere unseen by the eyes.
But the earth no longer stands still and the adama reaches up beneath our feet to drag you down again and no matter how hard you cling to whatever you have left. There is that empty that will take more time than you are willing to give to refill. Like a death of the parent or friend when it was not meant to be, this empty shall heal slowly and you shall be struck with it's chain reaction.
So you're stuck with no one. They tell you have them, but they do not have you and that is why they can not satisfy the pain. A pain that does not quell from carnal satisfaction or ambiguous loving, but simply a lost. Not even a loss, but simple lost. Lost without a dream, a faith or a path.
That dream you dreamt that is no more and came like lies from the mouth of God, herself. The oracle can change nothing, though she tries and you listened. You fool, you bastard! You were foolish for ever believing that anyone, but you could see your fate. So you scream to the world and you scream the skies from not your mouth, but your mind at the God and you demand unto her that she lean down and she lean low to hear your mind's voice and answer your hearts cry.
You will question her, who you have no place, reason or rank to question and she will answer.
She will Answer.
She may not say, "Yes, my child."
She will tell you exactly what you need to hear and when you need to hear it.
And silence enters your soul with which you can not answer. No, you can not. All that breaks it is the bodily ringing in your ears and the white noise of the air. Ticking clocks clack slowly and you sit in your chair in mystery and misconception with never understood dismay. And why? Life is good for you. You are one of the lucky ones, yet you remain with energy and anger and no fight to release it upon.
Your guns are your hands upon the keys. Your sword is you tongue. Your shield is your mind.
There is no fight or battle, no war for the light that spans the ages or night.
No equation, no debate, no algorithm, no solution you can see.
So questions hang in the air, like smoke over fire, unanswered and none's to blame.
Questions that answer the prose or al the poems that we create endlessly.
Only silence and hope.

©2010 Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Shellacking the votes.

I love that Mr. Obama refers the midterm vote counting as Shellacking. It's quite accurate, really. Better than Mr. Bush's "Thumpin'".
Varnishing his term, maybe?
I dunno!
As a relatively conservative and liberal bisexual, God loving, gun hugging, gum chewing, anti-racism, anti-socialist (in the american sense) individual, I hope the Republicans in office will at least TRY to work with the Democrats and vice verse.
I know both party are complete collective political ass hats that don't even try to agree on anything (not even on disagreeing, Mr. O'Reilly) so I half expect the next two years to be a complete failure.
All the work in favour of gay rights will be set back. The attempts to bring troops home or at least form a better, more direct attack on our organized and illegal enemies will be thrown from left and right and off target because the frakking politicians wont stay the hell out of the military's business. The economy will continue it's plunder either into socialism or capitalism and will only help the rich bastards at the top of the food chain while I'm looking for Missouri state issued food stamps! Yay!
I mean, let's face it. The democrats are socialists and strategical idiots. The republicans are rich capitalists and over zealous bigots.
As I've said before, Bigotry is seconded only to Hypocrisy.
Then again, I want to have hope! Obama is very good walking the line and if he's smart, he'll listen even if his conservative counterparts wont. Equally, I'm hope the conservative members of congress will hear out their liberal counterparts in house who wont listen.
If nothing else, this will be a monumental point of history that decide a lot of factors in my life in the near future.
And don't get me started on Prop. 19 in California.
I know I promised never to talk about politics, but then again I didn't talk about my political views much.
Either way, this is why I voted one in all parties.
Both sides of the fence have something to offer. One side has green alfalfa but the other has more green grass and dandelions.
While I don't like the Tea Party organization, I do like what was formerly their number one rule: Principle before Party.
We should all think about our principles before the party. It's not about republican of democrat! Either sad is full of zealous hypocritical asshats and they both bring something to the table.
It's about which candidate is better, but because of the parties, the ven diagrams of the two candidates have grown farther and farther apart when far right and far left are both bad choices.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Adapt and improve.

[My apologies to anyone who read my last edition of this. The wrong version was uploaded without filter. I usually "tactfully & tastefully" edit my work for the sake of individuals I know and the wrong one got caught in the filter. If anyone was insulted or put down in anyway, then my only defense, while not an excuse, is that we all think things we wouldn't normally say and that is the process by which we make our choices, but not how we make our upon judgements on others. Again, deepest apologies, now I'm going to add some thoughts to this filtered version.]

So Dalton and I didn't work out. I tried, but I'm just not attracted to him.
He's a cute, smart and sweet kid, but it's just not happening. However, he has potential. I believe in a couple years when he matures in character and learns more about himself he will become quite a well done gentleman. I mean, he's already he a really good guy and really funny, it's just not my type, I guess. I do believe he'll find someone perfect for him.

It's a matter of love, really. Love in the romantic sense. Some have that potential, some don't. For some girls and gentlemen I don't have that potential. It doesn't mean there's something wrong, only that they're waiting for something better. So I figure, if there's no future with the person, why try in futility?

So, I just had a long conversation with Maria. Yes, her.
It lead to a discussion that gave me closure on our relationship. I had never known the exact reasoning as why it didn't work and it kept bugging me. Things do that to me. I can't find closure until I understand why something has happened in my life.
With humans and choices, there is always reason. I broke up with Cheri because I was interested in a girl. Emma and I broke up because her feeling had dissipated. I eat because I'm hungry. I paint left fingernails because it give me this pleasure.
Anyway, I know it's my fault. I figured early on it was something to do with lack of self control in that relationship. I was right, only it turns out to come down to one mistake.
One bad choice is all it takes. One choice to can set in motion a chain of other choices. In fact, if it weren't that one time, it turns out I wouldn't have been allowed cross the line in the events to follow. What does that mean? It's totally and completely my fault.
No, I'm not beating myself up. I'm happy I finally know. I needed closure, now I can hurt and get over it.
I mean, I like to adapt and improve from my mistakes. Everything is a learning experience.
And it will hurt, it always hurts for a long time. I still hurt a little just to sit next to Emma. That's life.

On the subject of Emma, I was talking to her yesterday when I was kind of grouchy. So was she, so it worked out! Anyway, I'm going to a game tonight at the school, it's suppose to be the game to see! Should be fun!

The good news is: THE DEXTER BEARCATS WON! Or at least when I left the game they had 21 point lead and their was one minute left on the clock!

Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The date

So. To start, I have my glasses.
Today I went to see The Social Network with Dalton on a date. No I don't think he cared for it very much, but it was a great in my opinion.
I really like all the aspects of the building of facebook by Mark Zuckerberg concerning code and all the technical aspect of the movie. The humor was excellent, classy, a bit crude in the sexual sense. But I will never forget the poor chicken and the fact that the chicken is a racing chicken. The story, while heavily fictionalized was quite good and I appreciated the fact that they did not demonize or make Mark Zuckerberg into a bad guy. In fact the movie placed him in a role that was deserving of sympathy.
My biggest problem with the movie was exactly what it was before I saw it. 1: While he wasn't a villain, they dehumanized the hacker and made him an asberger's case ten times as heavy as my syndrome. Mark Zuckerberg is NOT a robot. 2:The story was heavily fictionalized and made his out to be a social starved human being in need for social standing and sex with lots of girls. However, in reality he's been with the same girl since before he made Facebook or even Facemash. And Erika Albright does not exist. 3: they sped up the movie making every sentence rushed and making the movie fast and non-stop and bit tiring. it also made Mark seem more robotic.
On a side note, here is an article from 2003 on Havard about the real Facemash:

Anyway, the date was great! We got some good laughs from an otherwise nerdy movie then took off down some random roads out into the middle no where!
We pretty just drove around way out in the country for a couple hours listening to music and talking about all sort of things from music, life, family and racing chickens.
He's a relatively good kisser, too. Haha, I know that's no the usual subject matter here, but admittedly, I'm tired and I need sleep and I really enjoyed what little kissing we did.
But anyway, we had a lot of fun and got lost and ended up out past Bloomfield before we drove out into another deep area of nowhere and almost ran into a parked old rusting train. It was freaky! I was driving, we were talking then, bang, there was a big train in front of me and we came to a complete stop from driving twenty miles an hour. So after that I was a bit shaken so we stopped and just hung otu until I felt like moving again.
Dalton has great music taste, although it's a bit more mainstream than mine. He's not as much of a nerd, but he appreciates the nerditude and geekity. He's all around interesting and really fun to talk to.
I suppose if I had to pinpoint a flaw it would be his silliness, but I have no clout to dog on that considering my history. In fact, it demonstrates a highly commendable trait of being comfortable in his own skin. A trait that I wish I saw in more people.
In the end, we ended up eating dinner at the diner and being total weirdos before I dropped him off.

Anyway, that's my night and I'm really, really, really tired and I need sleep, so goodnight world!

Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Oh my God!

So to start, the song playing is T. V. Carpio's cover of the Beatle's "I Want to Hold Your Hand" from Across the Universe.

So busy past few weeks. So I went to Michigan couple weeks ago to see my family, which was wonderful. My Family on my grandpa's side is this big tightly nit hispanic family that, when gathered, could populate the entire city of Parma, Missouri.
It was a pleasure seeing my Grandpa Leo. He's about 91 but he's just full of energy and youth. Fought in two wars and is thankful for everything in his life. I lurves him, lol.
I got some great photos on the way back which I've stuck on Flickr, however I'm going to postpone using flickr for a while because I'm running out of room on my account. So until I can upgrade to a Pro account I'm not going to upload more than five more pictures. Eitherway, great pictures.
I took the pictures with my newest gadget, an iPod Touch.
While trying to sync my iPod Classic, I my knee hooked the usb cable and slung my iPod at the tile floor of my Grandpa's basement mid-sync and upon holding it to my ear I deduced the harddrive was thoroughly frakked over.
So, faced with adversity, I did what any good hipster would do: I put on a plaid shirt and off to the nearest Apple Store I went where I bought a 32 Gigabyte iPod touch.
Of course, it's a fabulous product. Beautiful screen, great for handheld gaming (I really like N.O.V.A. and Fruit Ninja) and super battery life. I am glad I waited until this model before buying. It well worth the three bucks. (US$299)
Another thing I did with it while up there was I got some great video of some cousins singing and playing guitar. To be slipped into a youtube video at a later date.

So my partnership with a small hacker collective here in Missouri has ended as I am no longer needed for my unique experience with an experimental series of programs. While this may sound sad, because it was decent money, it's not so bad. I left them, because I'm not a programmer and the more complex the work got meant I would be writing more and more code. You see the code, we'll call it Monkye.Scrypt, was written from scratch by this genius in Ohio it's comparable to nothing else. This guy is messed up and enjoys making everything whimsical. Imagine Python on acid and then take that concept and stim it on steroids and you have the coding experience. Also, I'm leaving in about T- 4 Months.
You didn't know that.
Where to? Please wait.

As for cute little miss Blogger's Nightmare? Well, she and I broke up while I was away. Things moved a bit too fast and while we're great friend with a weird as all hell chemistry, it's just not meant to be. She had begun implying certain feelings of wanting break up and I got tired of trying to understand the cryptic text messages and pulled the trigger on the relationship.
Ironically, what would have been a nasty break up turned out to be good.
She's sweet, though. I chat on facebook with her about an hour ago.

So, raises the question. In a row, now, I've had five girlfriends over the past few years. Cheri, Eleshia, Caeleigh, Emma and we'll call her "Kitty". I wonder what would happen if I took my chances and kissed a frog next? Who hed turn out to be my personal Prince Charming with awesome thick hair and an abtastic stomach? (Yeah, I know I'm pushing it. Scratch that last bit.) Or would he turn out to be a jerk-face? Also abtastic, by the way.
I think it's best I leave that in the air and just see what happens.

Speaking of the Caeleigh (@GreenEyesLaugh/GreenEyesOfLaughter), here by dubbed Cookye this month, we have epic plans after the new year to meet up and spend a LOT of time together. In fact we are collaborating on a video project that is coming to together as we locate more hands to help and what not. Plus there is another thing that's going to happen, but I want to get all my facts straight before letting it out in the blogosphere. I will likely announce that in a video as well, so that blog will be a double feature.

On a final note, a musical note in C sharp minor, I discovered another band that's going into my list of favourites this year and that is the xx. I heard them perform on the Jimmy Kimmel show while I was in Michigan and I had to buy their debut and only Album called "XX."
it's absolutely fabulous. It's mellow, dark and it's got some very eerie vocals to it. It actually reminded me a bit of the Twilight Saga soundtracks, which I think are the best thing to come from the series at all.
The female vocalist is Romy Madley Croft on the guitar and the male vocalist is Oliver Sim on the bass-guitar. Instead of a drummer on a kit, they have Jamie Smith on a mixer, sample, kit pad, midi controller and all that fun stuff.
Really great esthetic, check them out.

Anyway, I'll check back in sooner next time. Thanks for reading. Goodnight.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Eleventh Commandment

Thou shalt not buy an iPad.
No, I will happily buy one if I ever have the money to spare. However, if I were designing a competing tablet, I'd name said tablet the Eleventh Commandment. Complete with all the fixings of 3G/4G, gyroscopes, accelerometers and likely a non-phone adaptation of Android if I could so get away with it.
In a more serious note, I think the Eleventh Commandment is demonstrate love to all life, humanity and forms of intelligence.

Bless all forms of intelligence.
50 points to anyone who gets that reference.

So, I am in a good mood these days. My relationship is going great, her and I happily snuck her out a couple nights ago and hung out for a couple of hours, just talking really. A failed trip to MacDonalds (which was blasphemously closed before 0100) led to us just relaxing until I took her home.
Speaking of which, I want a sweet tea. A little known fact about me is that I always drink my tea unsweet, a trait I got from watching my dad which I grew to very much enjoy. I think unsweet tea is very refreshing. Sugar weighs me down, I feel. Very odd. But once in a while I get a craving for sweet tea and this is one of those times.
Luckily no one woke up to notice she was gone, leaving or coming back. YAY!
On a slight guy rant, I have to say that it's nice being able to lay down beside a girl and hold her close and just relax.
I live for the relaxing moments as much I live for the unexpected ones. Those moments when time itself does not stand still but doesn't matter anyway. But it's just calm, no storm, no after worry. Just calm.
I'm a paranoid type. I've been taken advantage of and lied to so many times I worry about things I shouldn't when I have something or someone that makes me happy, so that calm just lifts the paranoia and pressure away.

Girls are soft. Very soft. I like the soft. In contrast, I like the firm touch of a guy. Get your mind of the gutter! I mean, I have a friend who is bisexual and likes softer guys, likes them a little squishy around the edges. Not my thing, not at all. But then again, I like girls who have curves. There IS such thing as a girl who's too skinny. Now if you take in my last four girlfriends you would note that they are all curved in a very nice fashion. Mind you, I aim for spiritual and personal connections more than physical ones, seeing as I am who I am. Being who I am, this not a huge issue.
But in conclusion, girls are soft. I like soft. I also like curves... and hips. Ha ha.
On that note, I have to link the latest Questionable Content post by Jeph Jacques:

So recently my Mother-Unit and I were going through the garage and discovered some things we've yet to unpack since moving. Like my old star wars toys, which I am saving to make a retro/vintage star wars wall in a few years (when 90s becomes vintage). And my first baseball, something I have protected since I located in when I was nine after moving the to Suffolk, Va. And I located a stack of my PlayStation 2 games I'd been looking for for a couple of months. So this week I've been kind of dedicated to playing my PS2 for about 3 hours a day beating each game in it's entirety. Ace Combat 5, which I've shelved again as of today. James Bond: Nightfire.
But what I'm excited about is Ace Combat 4: Shattered Skies. Five years ago something happened to the disc, something which I've yet to diagnos, that kept it from even loading the title screen. So I shelved it after a year of trying to use it. Well, Tuesday I found it and wiped it down and popped it in and BOOM! I hear the chorus: "I have so far to go" and it's loading! So I nailed all the levels in two days, with plenty of breaks. I have a life. I'm just really good at those games. But what salts the wound is that I can't load the last level. I've beaten all 17 levels but the last one wont load. Mind you that the last level is the easiest for me to play because when I was thirteen and still victim to the effects of my asbergers syndrome I would spend hours upon hours end playing that level. Now, after a dedicated four hours of game play spread out over two days, I can't even load the last and easiest level...... And it has an epic operatic electronic music inspired by Mozart's Requiem of Agnus Dei and Rex Tremendae too! (Of couse being the geek that I am I already have the soundtrack to the game on iTunes.)
But it's the gratification of playing a game through and beating it. Not even that, though! It's the story of the game. A beautiful story! Which is why I love the games so much. They have a challenge and good game play and beautiful story and thought our universe.
But geek rant over!
I just found that kind of annoying that I get my favourite game to work then the last level dies on me.

On another funnier note, I was directed to an extremely gay music video the other day by a friend. While generally and overly homosexual and grotesque in it's crude humour, which I don't really care for, it lead me to discovering a music artist whom I now very much want to hear more of. He produces dance and club music, has done a number of awesome covers and is ripped, has graying hair and sharp facial features. I did a general search, like I always do for musical artists I discover and Colton Ford happens to be a former same-sex adult film actor. A gay porn star.
Now, I don't have a problem with this! You know, that's a paying job. He's since become a musical artist, he's very easy of the eyes and even more so on the ears.
I just thought it was hysterical, I broke into laughter when I read that.
Point is, I found a cover he did of the R.E.M. song, "Losing My Religion" and it has a super trippy music video, which I will include below at the end of the blog for those of you who read my blog via RSS or on the blogSpot.

Thank you kindly for reading and may God Bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Because that's fair

So last night me and my "Lover" went to the town fair and it turned out to be a lot of fun.
We met up with some friends and through out the evening kept adding to group until we meandering from ride to exhibit to ride again in a posse.
We rode a number of rides, watched the silliest (and dirtiest?) puppet show ever and talked about the usual teenage quirks. Immaturity, sexuality, cigarettes and grace.
The lot of us ran into a lot friends hither and dither and by the end of the night we were making boob jokes, talking knives, laughing and eating the free food that the closing venders kept throwing at us. Oh, apparently the mystery of my dimensions was the subject of great wonder.
Which dimension? ... Do I need to draw you a diagram? Think, lower extremities.
But yes, it was all good fun and hysterical laughter.
I had this great conversation with our friend Conner about what it feels like to flip a 2009 Dodge Cobalt at 50 miles an hour while riding ride that introduce very similar forces of physics.
I also bought a new spring-action knife, which me and Conner discovered doubles as a bayonet, ironically. (Will stick a picture on Flickr, Brent Matthew Lillard)
My babe and I enjoyed a big ol' funnel cake while mocking a puppet show's hidden innuendos (like one does to children fairytales).
Finally met an individual I'd heard so much about who was quite funny and interesting. Of course I met a number of people I hope to see again. So all is good.
When it was all said and done, her, I and the lot all climbed into cars headed to our respective homes.
Then I had this big phone discussion with her about whether or not I'm a faithful because some jokes I had made at the fair.
Seriously? Me? Unfaithful?
It's me.
Though, I could understand her concern. I'm different most guys, I think differently, I try my hardest not be the stereotype and be a good person an good partner. But people just don't expect that from a guy, I guess.
We went on for like an hour or two discussing my mentality and discussing the evening.
I mean, I can understand. I mean there was this one girl who was obviously coming onto me rather strongly and it was making me very uncomfortable every time we ended up standing alone.
Don't get me wrong, very cute girl and very funny. But I like the person I have. My relationships mean something to me and I'm not going to give something that's important to me, or risk it.
And she knows that, so we came to a point where we saw eye to eye and she knows she can trust me.
The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt her. I'm not like most guys, the other girls don't look prettier to me. I like who I have just the way they are.

Trust is very important.
Whether it be a business, social, family or romantic context. Trust is most important.
I try to always be honest. Obviously, I shoot for a higher level of transparency than most, given the fact I write a public blog.
I mean, yes, I have my secrets and things I just don't talk about. I'm in the family room closet. I don't talk about bathroom humour, even in the family where that seems to be the subject of thanksgivings supper. Wow.
I even had an online discussion with Aunt this morning. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I could trust her, because of arguments and disagreements we've had in our past. However, I quickly saw what was really on her mind and that she wasn't intent of pulling the veil of one of the few things I hide from just a few people.
I believe I can trust her and because of this, event hough we haven't exactly hit it off in the past few years, I think this will certainly help our relationship grow.

I have said time and time again that we fear what we don't understand. Trust is the opposite of that, it's believing in something you don't have to understand. Faith.
With faith comes growth and from growth comes understanding.
I like to think I'm wiser than most people my age, that I see things on a different plain. That's only because I refuse to fear what can hurt me.
"Fear is the path to the dark side: fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." - Yoda, Star Wars, Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Thank you for reading,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, September 20, 2010

A bloggers REAL nightmare.

Okay, you remember my ex-girlfriend? Wonderful young woman, I loved her for a time. She's a good friend, fun and interesting, ect.
Well, I'm a parent impresser. I try to the best of my ability to be a gentleman, respect their wishes, introduce myself and be a generally good guy. Whether they know it or not, I try to. I value parents and their wishes and I try to get on their good side so that they'll understand that I'm not the usual dude.
Usual dude being the heterosexual male who just want to get into a girl's pants.
I want a person's mind and spirit and heart, I want to be a good friend. It's my nature.
So, I tried to impress.
But I found out tonight that Emma's parents had been stalking my blog!
Holy crap!
I write about everything short of bathroom humor on here!
During the time of hour relationship I wrote about Gay Rights, same-sex marriage, my considerably ambiguous outlook on the Christian faith, DADT and why I hate it, my sexuality and preference, the fact I have participated in some minor illegal activity and even the fact that I was sexually frustrated, because I never made out with her.
Clearly stating that I wasn't in it for that, but merely at odds with my sexual emotions. Even so, that's an enemy maker for fathers. I've been shot at by a father who's made something out of less. (Story later)
Believe me, I want to get on a father's good side. I want to impress. I want them to know I'm not like most idiots. I suppress my teenaged angst. I'm in it for the comfort of being with someone and I care about and knowing that someone feels the same for me.
WOW! And as Emma would say, "With Hands Signs"!
That would explain the mixed up energy I felt every time I shook hands with that man. Even last Wednesday when he nearly took out Jennifer to shake my hand, there was that energy.
I'm a good guy, I know this. I give myself a lot of crap because. like most guys, I'm a sexually frustrated teenager and I most of the time that IS on my mind. Because I can be selfish. Because I od have vicious mood swings and I can get really angry. But I'm a good guy, I know this. I take pride in this.
However, if you've been paying attention, my blog is an enemy maker to any girlfriend's parents in this part of the united states. Openly Bisexual, I talk about my sexual persona, I mock God and Jesus from time to time, I talk about girls as very nice looking and very nice to hold close to. Not to mention, I'm generally a bitch wagon in my blog and I don't censor my language in this blog. I drop the F-bomb to punctuate my sentences if I have to.
OH man! Blogger's worst nightmare.
But, it's fine. I can only hope that wisdom and firm judgement is made and can see my true intentions.
After all, I've spoken of my bisexuality, but I don't want to rub it in people face. I talk about it because it's a part of me, I can't control that. I just like guys the same way I like girls. So I want to spread the understanding that it is what it is. That I don't see it as evil, but as beautiful.
And I want to study about God, and be a man of God. I want to understand the world around me from a philosophical perspective and be able to explain what I see to those who might want to know. So if I question God or mock the church, I want to do it here and I want people to hear it.
And this is my life blog, I talk about everything I feel. My emotions, my care, my need and want to help others. And to learn and study. So I try to question reality in my blogs, to admit things that most people wouldn't to the public. Everyone feels the same things, I just like to make it open and not a secret, because I don't like secrets. If I love someone, I'm going to admit it. If I'm angry I'm going to analyze it. If I'm sexual confused by a girl or a guy, I'm going to talk about it here.
Hell, I made out with the person I'm with today. Guess what? That's not an unusual thing! I'm just not afraid to admit that I would, but I have the common courtesy not to do so in public.
And if by some strange chance they happen to come across this blog, then they probably think I'm full of crap and that I'm just trying to cover my tracks.
But honestly, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I am without shame. I live for humanity. I want to understand it, I want to help any of it's kind that need it and I want to analyze my own humanity. Then I live for God.
I try to impress because I don't want to be stereotyped as the usual guy. That's the reason I write this blog. Also, because it helps me think about things, it helps me understand what I have learned and what I experience.
Who care, honestly? I want to know. Please tell me! Who cares that I'm one of a billion out of the closet people in this world? One of several billion bisexuals, I'm sure. Who cares that I was a little at odds with myself because I'm teenager and I wanted to make out with my girlfriend at the time? What matters is I didn't pressure her when my body said I should. Who cares that I don't keep secrets that are my own? It makes me much less of a mysterious and interesting person, because I'm quite normal. Who cares that that my ex's parents read my blog while we were together? I don't. I wont lose sleep over it. If a reader, ANYONE, does not have the judgement and wisdom to believe in my true disposition, then tough luck. Humans are scared of what they don't understand.

Black people were slaves and thought of as sub-human in America for a long time before the civil rights movement truly made ground. Now, we have a black president. Not the best, but we could do so much worse.
The jews were hunted down by an angry Germany surrounding an Austrian politician who hated his own bloodline. The Nazis were defeated and since then, Israel is claimed by the Israeli people who lived there over 1500 years ago.
Witches and Wiccan believers were hunted for ages, because of the fear of magic. Slaughtered.
LGBTQ individuals used to be thought of by the Psychiatric society as insane and were treated with torturous methods. Even today this goes on. Today, I want to be one of millions of voices trying to equality. Not because I chose this, but because I am this. I can't change it, I've tried.

But if one does understand, than one should realize I'm harmless. I want to harmless. I like being harmless.
Still, I laughed my bottom off when I heard the story. lol

Rant End,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I have a "Lover"? Ugh... Blogger's Nightmare.

For those of you who need to make fun of the cliché in the title, go the comments sections and have a ball. Throw the book at me! I don't mind the credit. Ha ha ha!

Well, I am now seeing someone. Yes, I have a quick bounce back time, I'm a water sign. I adapt quickly to change and go with the flow, but I attach myself to others very much so as an unfortunate side effect. The latter is beside the point!
Now, because of the difficulties of being a live blogger and knowing for sure that there a small number who read this, I am not going to say her name out of respect of her opinions.
Being a nerd who has, on several very confusing occasions, been called hot and attractive, this day was sure to come that I would meet someone who finds me speaking directly of them on the public domain somewhat discommodious.
Every life blogger's worst nightmare, yes? I spend an hour or two every few days typing out about what I find important in life or just the rigamarole of everyday like and I can't include in it a part of my life that I find very important.

Well, she's cool, though. She don't mind me talking so much as I don't through out her full name. She's super cute, beautiful, shy, flamboyant as all get out, fun hang out with, interesting, honest. A real winner. Of course I don't choose losers as you well know, if you're been paying attention.
We spend a lot of time together, like fair amount of the same things. We both agree on the things that count like honesty, faith in one another, making things count, having a free spirt, gay rights.
She has a total free spirit. It's like a splash of colour on a black and white canvas, mind you I like black and white painting, but I like something unexpected. I like living because you never know what comes next. I suppose that comes with being a water sign and being quick to adapt.
I don't know what music she's directly into, yet. She like just about everything, but everyone has a vice. But still a lot to come.
And for the sake of full disclosure and adding a bit of jocularity. She's a good kisser. Always a plus.

So anyway in other news.
I'm looking for a job and, gods, do I need one. The good news is I got my money back from insurance and bought a new car. Chevy Impala, sort of an off white. Cheapest car on the lot that was worth paying anything for.
The trouble with it is I dented it parking lot because I'm used to having a larger car. The Cobalt is tiny, the Impala has like two feet atleast on it. Which really throws me off.

Anyway, rant over.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Technophobic rant

So as you all know, if you've been paying attention, I'm a big supporter of the open. Like blogs, the commons, most of Google's work, open-source, anything that isn't own by Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerblower. I'm a big believer in the internet, technology and the works and if you're determined enough I believe anyone could find out just about anything about me, as pretty much every outlet I have on the web is open and public, save my home address due to my flatmate on any given occasion.
My facebook is public, youtube used to be regularly updated and is still public, I life blog. I frakking write publicly everything from my political standpoint (LGBTQ Pride, WOO!) to my favourite music (Placebo) to whether or not I like oral sex (duh). However, I respect those I care about and their privacy, so I don't blab about everyone else in my life unless I under the influence that they would approve.
But what you've probably missed is I'm a bit of a technophobe.
I've always preferred older technology like landlines telephones to the ever terrible audio compression in Cell Phones, Vinal records to CDS, old fashioned portable radios to the portable CD players of the last decade. Don't like GPS, prefer maps or a compass. I hate texting and there are very few people I like texting to. I prefer to make phone calls. Even e-mails give me the willies.
Now most of this isn't direct fear, per se. I just like older stuff, but there are soem directions that technology is going that just annoy me. The Government for example tracks everything that everyone does on the web, in theory. Which is why I choose to be public, along with my no-secrets mentality.
It's not a secret and I know as it stands, right now, it's not a vicious thing. It's a protective thing and understandably so. As the people of the 21st century our society would become paralyzed if the internet went down. Can you imagine the economic downfall if the internet crashed for more than a day?
Just some food for thought.
Rant over, onto our next Tragedy.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Feeling, nice?

So I perceive my reality mostly through feeling and literal tactile sensory. I mean, I'm charismatic, I can voice things that used to find very difficult to explain. This comes from a few years of practice and trying to instill hope in those i care about. I'm certainly visual, when it comes to attraction I had specific visual taste. Cut Girls, soft guys. I like black guys, eastern european or hispanic girls. There are aspects of the visual that are programmed into me, like anyone.
But when it gets right down to it, I memorize everything I feel. The way it feels to kiss one person or the forces at work when my car lost control last week before the memory loss. It's the primary sense to me. I mean, I can't remember my Dad's voice and my vision is tainted by colour blindness and an astigmatism.
I yearn for those moments. Those moments where my hands on her hips or upon his torso. Where my arm is around my friend. When I can take the hand of the person who I have on some level connected with.
The way about fifty people's hair feels. The texture, the length. The way it felt that gave it away the fact it was over the last time I kissed Emma. The feeling of flipping my car over, when I don't remember it all. The stagnant air when I watched my dad die. To be blunt, the thoughts when an ex from way back was on her knees. The pain of a broken heart that I subconsciously wont let go of, even though I'm having new feelings for new people. The way the ground dipped beneath my feet six years ago when I was contemplating the meaning of Jesus when I was thirteen. The sting of three deadly syringe needles entering my neck. The cold gleam of metal against my jaw. Eleshia's head on my shoulder a little over a year ago in New Mexico. A young woman reading my palm in my old church. The feeling of the wind when I spoke to Susan for the first time. The satisfaction of reaching the top of that Plateau in New Mexico and the unique nature of the air. The gentleness of a sharpened knife cutting into my skin. The way the rock felt against my hand as I followed Candice onto the summit of that small mountain.
Everything for me is about contact.
I'm the type of guy who can express my feelings in words, but I don't want to. I'd rather hold hands with the person who is mine for the time. I'd rather hug those who I care about, place my hand on the person who I know is hurting.
I mean, a clean and honest kiss or and slow random dance when no one's looking is more of an I love you than the words, in my opinion.
The emotions, thoughts, dispositions I can feel when I'm touching someone is much more clear and true to reality that what I can see in their body language or hear in their voice and words.
Shaking hands with someone is always a milestone in my mind, it demonstrates a level of trust and respect and I wont forget it anytime soon.
I don't know if all people perceive things this way, but I do. Whether it makes me unique or whether it makes me the same, it definitely makes me human. If it's unique, I suppose my A.D.D. has something to do with it. Seeing as my mind moves so fast I can't focus on anything I see or hear long enough to remember it. But touch and feeling is primal. It's right there with Emotion and inner-feelings. Even my thoughts aren't that clear, as there are billions.
When I dream, the clearest thing I can always remember is that I can feel pain, intense pain, in my dreams. Like stabbed in the leg with a scalpel pain, but worse.
When I dream, it's always really real. I call it hyper-real. It's so real and the scenarios always make sense, unless I'm a little distraught, then my dreams become very metaphorical. Built of memory. Mostly memory of feeling, cause visual they get weird when I'm emotional.
I mean, just a few days ago I dreamed the car accident on a Virginia road, but the road ran into a brick wall and the car was crushed. I flew through the windshield. But instead of hitting the wall, my hands landed on the hips of my latest ex. Mind you this is very unnerving as I never have dreams of this nature and when they are like this I never see people I actually know in them except maybe my Dad or someone very obscure. But no sooner do I kiss the said ex, because in a dream that's what you do, does the five foot wonder burst into a cloud of black smoke that smells like weld and oil and I'm standing on a conveyer belt controlled by the obscure former co-worker Christina. Which really confuses me, cause I don't remember any conveyer belts at Arvin, nor do I see her as effective to the metaphor as say David, my former set up.
But now I've gone off subject.
I mean, I'm also ver visual, too. Like I said, I have that which I am attracted too. Even go for the androgynous appearance. But I only remember fragments of things I've seen. Even now, the memory of the way my Dad's eyes were still blue when he was dying is fading away. I can't remember the house I grew up at up until 9-11. I'm terrible with faces.
Anyway, enough self analyzing. Time to post this thing.

Oh! Also in a side note. Because I haven't really acknowledged it publicly: it's really old news and I found out about it like a few weeks ago right in the middle of This Week in Google, but I just want to say thank God for the lifting of Prop 8 in California. If the most liberal state in the union can't allow same sex marriage then our country doesn't have nay hope. So I'm glad to see the people come to their senses. I almost want to grab a boy while I'm out there and just marry him and get a divorce just because I can, but I would never do that. Marriage is a sacred bond between two loving partners and it's meant to last. It'll be a miracle if I ever fall that much in love. I like bouncing off the walls of reality too much.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

¿uʍop ǝpısdn plɹoʍ ʎɯ

So you might make a wild guess that I'm going to rant about my life being frakked over Lady Luck's personal pedobear.
Well, no. Not really.
No, this is about my car getting frakked over and turned over as I scurry out of it realize several minutes later that I was in a horrible car accident and I didn't even know it.

So, yesterday (Tuesday, August 24) I was out driving in the country and I lost control of my vehicle and crashed into the ditch of a road with no shoulder.
Now, if you guess that I was:
a. On the Phone
b. Texting
c. Messing with my iPod
d. Messing with the Radio
e. Getting cigarettes
f. Not paying attention.
Then you guessed wrong.

It's truly bizarre, not because it happened or because of the circumstances, just because of the memory loss. But I've been able to work out a general idea of what happened, although I don't remember the exact impact or much of anything after losing control.
So, here's what happened, to the best of my memory:
(Things I can't remember in Bold & Italics)
I was driving down one of the back road with no shoulder that's lined by deep ditches. At some point I see something close to my lane that made me swerve to the right and my right tires went off the ditch.
I panicked and turned into the street, over correcting. I felt myself lose control as I was crossing the road and I turned to my right again. The car spun clockwise out of control and the left side of the vehicle turned back to the ditch I drove into the first time it flipped into the ditch and landed on the hood.
The air bag deployed, probably knock me out for a few seconds. I dunno. I scurried out of my seat down onto the ceiling without undoing my seatbelt and grabbing my compass and my brass case.
I'm guessing while the witness called 9-1-1 (The emergency line, here in the U.S.) I opened my door and walked out onto to the grass.
According to the EMTs, when they arrived I was standing in the grass with my phone in one hand and the compas in another.
They got into the ambulance where they checked me out.
The next thing I knew, after losing control, I was sitting in the ambulance asking what happened. I laughed when I realized I wasn't dreaming. I couldn't remember a damn thing and I found that hysterical.

Emma nearly tore my ass up after she found out. She remembered a couple weeks ago when I burned out as we both pulled out of the church parking lot and guessed I had let my emotions get the best of me. Really fun to get her grouchy sometimes, but I explained myself and she was just happy to know I was fine.

Maria flipped she found out. In fact we were planning to go see Scott Pilgrim this week. Alas with my car totalled I could no longer pick her up and drive her off to Poplar Bluff with me.
So to Plan B: get Eleshia and our friend Jennifer to join us to make it a foursome.... Get your mind out of the gutter.
I would never....
Well, then again I am a single man....
Nope, still wouldn't.

So I really want to see the Scott Pilgrim vs. the World film.
It looks absolutely cute, fun, exciting and funny. So we're on to see it when/if it plays here in Dexter. So fingers crossed. If not, then I'll rent it when it comes out and invite the three over for a movie night.
Either way, I want to hang out with Maria sometimes. I want to hang out Eleshia sometimes. And Jennifer, of course.
Bottom Line: I want to see SCOTT PILGRIM vs. THE WORLD

Friday, August 20, 2010

Anger in Sixteen minutes.

Today is a good day.
I am going to go receive my last pay check from Faurecia, cash it and then drive out to Malden for business in Sixteen minutes.
First I want to reflect on my past couple weeks and my emotional issues, though.
Given my past two months I been feeling spiritually out of sync, increasingly and acelerated since the last thursday of July, I've been a little undone.
Then driven by the emotional pain of a break up I've become angry.
Anger has always been the one emotion I can't really handle. It is the most powerful of emotions, I think. It gives us the strength to do what what normal would be incapable of doing.
It is also the most negative emotion, and arguably the only true negative emotion.
Depression, after all, is anger turned inward
Sadness is a safe emotion that we release, it helps us know right from wrong and to adapt to changes. Anger fights against Changes.
After losing my job the day after that didn't help the situation.
I wanted to leave, I almost did, I would have.
God has other plans, I believe that.

Upon making a fool of myself and letting my emotions get the best of me (during a rather exciting exit with a Chevy Cobalt), I realized what had happened.
So now, I am not fueling the anger anymore.
Anger blocks logic, love, realism, idealism. It's unhealthy.
I mean, sometimes it's good to get angry about something that needs to change, but don't occupy that with true wrath and rage.
Take poverty, we should all be angry that it exists and that it is unchanging. That's another blog, though.

Anyway, I've been meditating, praying, relaxing and not entertaining anger. The anger I felt had no place or source except pain, when you get right down to it.

The reality is, my life is really good right now.
I have a purpose. I believe that.
I have a small number of close wonderful friends. I trust them.
I have everything I need, for now.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

From the Ashes

Disclaimer: this is a poem I began at a church service during choir piece.

Death by example is death to all.
There is hell to pay for human's fall.
Society fell apart with the sky
and took with it the never-ending why.
So, will we lay back and cry
or will we willingly die?
The angels will fall and their swords will flicker to the earth;
while God's hand, out stretched, he does tire for what it's worth.
Shake not his hand or bicep quiver
or grip weaken and hold severe.
We make like Jonah, speak like Moses.
We have will and our will holds us.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Not my week

So this week has sucked.
I mean, it hurts.
So yesterday I got my Driver's License and so did Emma. Later that day when she stopped by my house we broke up cause her feelings had changed.
I've come to the reality in the past couple years that Love evolves, like everything else in this universe, it is an every changing thing. So I was okay with the fact that her feelings had changed. I knew I hadn't done something wrong and I knew where she was coming from, but it still hurts like hell. Because I still love her and that breaks my heart.
But I'm okay with that, we're still close friends and we have some great conversations. In time my heart will cool down and probably in a few months or a year I'll heal. It's not that big of deal.
I would rather have her as a friend than not have her at all.
I am still surprised how well I took it. We even talk for about an hour after we had agreed upon it. I told her truthfully, I was hurt and the Go board would take a bit longer, seeing as I gain my artist inspiration often from a number of muses, her being the one this.
Love, generally speaking, is where I gain my artistic inspiration to paint or draw while pain and intellect is often where I draw my inspiration to write.
As I was fighting my emotions and hold myself together in the moment I was analyzing my emotions. At first I was rather shocked, then I realized I had seen this coming before she left for Germany, then heartbreak set in, the pain sunk as we talk and in time I felt rage. It's an intriguing sensation. I admitted that I was feeling incredibly angry, but I wasn't angry at her or anything in particular. Just Angry.
It will subside of course, but for now, it's interesting. I mean, I want to cry it off, but that's not something I can really do. It's no me.
The worst part of it, really, besides the sadness, is the conflict of feelings. I am okay with the situation, but right now it hurts. I know in due time I'll fine. But there are these moments where I think of something I want to say to her or remind her, then I realize that we don't have that relationship anymore. I'm just still used to it. When I remember things that until noon yesterday were lovely memories are now discontenting.
This is the first time I've really blogged about what I feel when I'm hurt this way so I wanted to address these emotions for posterity.
Alas, here I am, heartbroken and okay with the situation. I'm so weird.
I'm glad we had what we did for as long as we did. It was the best relationship I'd had thus far.
But still, I'm hurt and it's disorienting.

On a lighter note, today started off a bit meloncholy but drifted into a happier scene at work when me and Christina were tossing jokes back and forth at our line. I was told I would work Saturday and Sunday and we joked a bit more.
Then Big Boss Man, who I will now refer to as Mr. David Woods, told me I was terminated. So we took my stuff, clocked me out and told me to leave.
For reference, now that I'm not working there the Boss-Guy was a rather funny, harsh and selfish type name Danny Stoker.
My Favourite lines were Tree City and 2485. The Funner lines were the liners where Chastity, Christina and Myself were grouped at in Mufflers and in 1740, simply because of the humor. Those were also lines were I had a bit better productivity.
I was fired for coming in late once, although I always clocked in early to my knowledge, and missing too many days, even though I had a doctor's excuse after I got a concussion in their factory.
I also was told I'm not a good factory worker, I just don't keep up with the rest. So they didn't need me.

So I lost my love and my job. Not even in a week, but it two days. What the hell?

Hearts heal and love evolves. My love for Emma will evolve into an amazing friendship and I'll heal.

I hated that job with a passion. I mean, I disliked it. The people were great and I'm glad I got to know them while I did.

I'm scholar, not a labourer. That's just what I am. I can work and I work hard, but I wont ever be that good at it.

In conclusion; this week is a fine demonstration that nothing ever goes as planned. Our hearts and minds just need to be braced for impact and we need to go with the flow, because we never know what God, or whatever unstoppable force or probability, has in store for us.
Whether it be a divine unstoppable force at play or just chance and probability, we are not immovable objects. We are human and we are evolving and our lives are ever evolving. We are never static.
While for some of us these concepts are not new, it helps to reminded that we are not suppose to stand still. Life is meant to change, that's why it's interesting.
As a believer in purpose and God, I believe that life is for our benefit, it is a gift, it is for our desires. That is why it is not static.
But you have to be ready for the change.

Spread shalom and may God bless,
Brent Matthew Lillard

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Looking back, again

So I'm up late and really tired, about to crawl into bed. But I'm in a moment of creative enlightenment and wanted to get some writing done. Which I have finished and now I want to leave you with my thoughts.
I'm almost 19 years old. That's a bit unfathomable for me. I mean, I consider 100 years to be a short period of time. But the past three years alone have been massive.
Nearly three years ago I turn sixteen, I lost my father, I lost a lot things and gain new understanding. I fell in and out of love, became cognizant of what my father tried to teach me in his life, I made a ton of bad choices. But it lead me here.
It wasn't too long ago, but it feels like most of my life took place in those three years.
And now, I'm dating a sixteen year old, working in a factory, trying to get my driver's license and still writing that darn book from two and half years ago.

A lot of it has to do with my memory loss, or at least my ability to recollect. I don't remember what life was before 2008.
I remember flashes and occasional patterns. Like my Father's routines or his lessons and the monark butterfly whom I attribute his greatest lesson to. The cats. That one Christmas morning I got my Millenium Falcon model. Waking up, dressing in a suit for church only to realize it was Saturday. My Mother playing the Piano in our Dinning Room in Chesapeake. My Birth-mom, Barb, at the front door leaving or coming in. The black out shades in the guest bedroom where my Dad would sleep before the night shifts at the jail.

But Life in general, I can not grasp it anymore. It is unordered. confusing.

I've always had a knack for remembering odd dates, though.
I believe it was April 14, 2002 when my dad fell off a ladder.
The date November 25, 2006 rings a bell.
May 12, 2010 I kissed Emma.
Friday the 13th of May 2009, I was unpacking somethings and stuck superman poster to my wall of everything.
January 23, 2008 I told Jennifer Lynch that I liked her as more than a friend at the time.
June 6, 2010 reads in my head as 6600 and is the day me and Emma were dating for six months even. I didn't have the original date memorized until did the math.
December 24, 1995.
March, 2002 I went to see Ice Age with my Birth-mom, Barb.

A little weird, I know.

So I leave with that. I need sleep.
I take the driver's test in the morning.
I also leave you with the music below.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Jacking to one's own voice

So today was a lovely day at work. I passed out from the heat just before lunch, but I got back on the line and work very quickly.
Then the Big boss man moved me to the back in a place called tree city where I worked until 3/1500 when I left.

I got to call Emma today, which was was oddly calming. Though only for a few minutes as her father was coming home and she hadn't seen him yet, apparently, since her return.
For reference, Sunday she returned from Germany, arrived in Memphis and sent me a Text that made me almost fall on my back, while I was in a chair.

So last wednesday, I was working a rather fun line when a group of people who just kept laughing. It was the hottest day thus far and we were being both productive keeping each other's morale on high. Until I slipped on the oil and slammed the back of my head into a metal switch board.
I got up and, because the part I had been rigorously trying to remove from my machine had hit my head, went to the nurse to get the scratch on my face bandaged.
I got back on the line, dizzy as hell, and worked the rest of the day. Until I fell out from the heat, and after I came too and cooled off the room would not top spinning enough for me to maintain balance.
So in the end I was sent home.
Thursday I woke up and hit off my alarm and I was floored. I sat for thirty minutes on my floor unable to stand up. I could not maintain any balance. I could barely sit up. So I called into work and said I was going to the clinic.
My doctor (Somers, I think) said I hada minor concussion that was directly effecting the "Otoliths" or something. He compared it to an internal gyroscope.
So he kept me out of work until Monday.
And today I pass out. Lovely.
I still have a head ache though....

On another note. YAY CALIFORNIA! It's over at last!
I have to say, I applaud the Governator.
I know, I'm late on the celebration of the end of Prop.8, but I've been distracted by all sorts of stuff. Either way, still very happy.
I'm still waiting for national equality, though.
Either way, I say to all of you:
No matter what.
Race, Sex, Sexuality, Nationality, Heritage. So long as you are proud and stand up for equality, you will eventually see it.
Then again, I am a starry-eyed idealist.

Last Friday I met with my friend, Shane, and we hung out for a while, drove to Cape for Sushi, talked for a while about everything (which was really refreshing) and he stayed the night before going back to Bloomfield. So we watched Burn Notice until like 0400.
It was a lot of fun.
Shane is the kind of guy who is very proud of who he is. We sat and talked abotu all sorts of things, about our lives, our loves, our agreements, our disagreements.
Sometimes it's just good to enjoy a good meal and talk to one of your closest friends about everything. So refreshing. Especially with food as refreshing sushi.

So this was random. I'm going to sleep.
Then I'm going to work. Maybe after that I'll get a call from Emma. Maybe I'll get attacked explosively by an Eleshia. Maybe I'll just relax.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Short and sweet.

So I've started a new job a week ago to today, but today I was too sick and too weak to actually go. So I stayed home. I figure this gives me time to work on the Go Board, write the music I'd been wanting to start and also write a blog I'd been waiting to do.

My Job has had be working nine hour shifts as an auto-welder on the factory floor for seven days. Not extremely hard work, really. It's easy, but engaging. You have to think about it, cause if you mess up you ruin a good converter and that will make your set up guy more than a little upset.
If you f-up the machine then my superviser might kick me out.
So far I like my job. The Big boss man is cool and seems to push ambition. The Mr. boss-guy is funny, but he's a "no B.S." kind of guy. The set up guy is really good at teaching.
On my second day Big Boss Man told I would start auto-welding on my line permanently so on my third day I started. On Sunday I told my Boss Guy on the floor that I'd doing this and he upgraded me to Class 4, I think.
Either way, I got a twenty cent increase on my hourly wage and I like that.

So last night I was really nauseated and throw up a few times and didn't go to work. But this afternoon I feel a lot better. I ate something after I got some ragtime and around two I went to go buy my car. It's bright red and it's a chevy! It's perfect. Handles perfectly.
I really like it.

This morning, too, since i was home I got to chat with my Girlfriend, who has been in Germany visiting family. Said she's a having a good time. That was nice. I miss her, but working makes it feel like a lot more time has passed since last Friday. (7/23/10)

Though I try not talk about my relationship and mechanics of it too often on my blog, I am happy with her right now. I mean, I avoid the subject because I try to respect the privacy of her and everyone in my life who I may or may not refer to in my blogs. Hence my comments like "Just funny" or my recently out Bi friend who's name I haven't said.
It's kind of hard, really. This is about my feelings and I have lot towards the people in my life, especially Emma. So I have to think about what I want to say, what the other people might not want me to say and how I can work with both factors and still say what I want.
It's like my admittance of sexual frustrations. Yes, they exist. Yes, my relationship kind of adds to it. No, I wouldn't have it any other way. But that's all about me. It doesn't tell you exactly what it's about, or why I'm saying it. lol
But in short, I like what I have with her. I'm not afraid to say that. I like it a lot.
Feelings are hard for me, for anyone. I try to state what I feel and that in turn give me release. Calms me.
I try to do what calms my spirit, or quells the disquiet in my mind.
Like talking about my feelings, my cogitations, my theories in a blog. Keeping as few secrets about myself as possible. Staying open about what, who and why I am so that I don't have to worry. Taking long walks to think, imagine. Writing a story so unlike our own. Telling my friends what I think about their situations, being honest even when it's counterintuitive. Kissing Emma for one slow second. Standing in the middle of a cotton field and letting the breeze go by without even a thought of what's real. Laughing about something serious or just analyzing an aspect of humanity with my best friend, Rusty. Enjoying the silence. Creating something with my hands.
Those are all primal to me.
I think it's something I get from my Dad. He was an interesting one. He had this routine in the morning of waking up, going out the backdoor and driving to a local Gas Station to talk to the ladies who worked there as well as the truck drivers. He'd often be the one who reset the coffee machine cause it was jsut time when he came in. Then after those laughs he take his coffe home and sit on the back porch in the silence and read the paper and pet the kitty cats. He was a simple with a simple needs. He just needed to love his wife and children, that's all he wanted and that's what he got.
He also made carved and burnt canes. He never sold them, because he saw his tallent as a gift from God to use as a gift to others. He had a single cane of his own he called his Walking Talking Stick that we would joke is a totem pole, cause it told the story of his life. He added a carving for every aspect of his life. His Marriage, the Air Force, the Fire Department, the Sheriff's Department, Ballroom Dancing and at the bottom was his foundation, Jesus Christ.
He loved to do things that quieted his spirit. He would over-work himself in the garden during the hottest days in summer because he enjoyed it. He made that walking stick as both of testimony and something that calmed his mind. He loved those cats as I did, they were a reminder of God's grace. He had routine, as I have mine.
Routines are interesting. I'm gaining a new one with my Job, actually.
I wake up everyday at about 0415 when I get up and put on three pairs of socks and my boots, I turn on a show I like and eat breakfast, make a sandwich, fill up my water bottles and walk to work. When I get home, I take a cold shower, I sit back and work on the board then I try to find something to do before I eat and sleep again.
Routines are interesting, they show our quirks. Quirks are fun.

Brent Matthew Lillard

Monday, July 26, 2010

Communicating Indescribable Sentences.

What is love? Think about it. Okay, you got your answer? Or are you like me and you have thousands.
Is it an energy?
Is it the grace of God?
Is it a connection?
Is it an emotion?
Or is it something more abstract or simple?
Is it a verb?
Is it an action?
Is it a person? A being?
Is it chemical?
Is it spiritual?
Is it psychological?
Is it sexual?
It is Primal.
"It is a word. What matters is the connection the word implies."
- Ramachandra, Matrix Revolutions
Love to me, is many things. This is not a blog about my love life or romance, per se. But I am going to speak to something I see.
For me it's everything. Love is an action or a verb, you can show love to someone you may never have met and may never see again. A wave, helping a lady load groceries, opening a door for someone at a mall. Love is connection between us all, it is the true version of friendship, brotherhood (or sisterhood) and romance. It is chemical, it is programmed into us physically as much as it spiritually, we can feel it, we feel it's essence in sexuality or just that harm feeling of friendship.
For me Love is an energy that encompasses and engulfs and moves through every aspect of the universe. There are channels, man made channels, through which love does meet potential, where people can't be truly in contact with each other. Yet, somehow, continents and even the world apart, love reaches though and breaks those barriers.
[love rant, end]
I mean we live in a world where most of time of our time in contact with any given person is spent by texting, e-mailing, text chatting. Other exceptions and myself not included, I hate texting, lol. It not a real form of communication, there as aspect of the human condition that just don't make it. It's hard to verbalize meaning, how much hard then is it to textualize feeling? Even through videochat or Phone calls not everything transfers.
We're beings that interact with more than text, words, tones, visual cues.
There is something about physically communicating with someone that makes things clearer. I'm awkward on the phone, I stutter, I ramble. Even in a video call I have these weird things that poke at my brain, really just a minor case of technophobia hidden under my idealistic devotion to technology.
I mean, yes, I am a bit awkward in person and I forget my wording like three seconds after I think of it, but that's because I'm so distracted by other things to notice. Like body language and the conversations that spread outside of your little group and continue to flicker other's like those pixals in John Conway's Game of Life. (Google Search: Game of Life)
But in person, I am able to understand people better, I don't need to ask for explicitness as I do in texting. I can use my hands, I talk with my hands so much. I am far more charismatic in person than I am in a video call, I can read people's shallowest emotions like a book and worry more about what really matters. Like Frustrations, life issues, the world cup.
One of the best examples I can give is body language. It explains so much that words can't even embody. I mean, I can understand what love or friendship is through the language I can feel with hands on her hips, my head against hers better than I can explain how check for leaking oil on sedan.
When you're talking, you just concenter a high energy situation a whole faster than you can when your more focused on trying to the people who aren't even before you.
I mean, I'm gun ho for technology. I talk to my friend Eleshia over text most days. My friendship with Caeleigh is currently exclusively on video call and youtube communion. My friends Jamie and Alice I have only spoken live with through skype calls. I use blogging to speak to the world (or at least those who are interested).

However, it's a pure communication method when you can reach out and touch someone. It's simply indescribably, like love.

That's what I think love is.
You can't tell me that just because you hate someone doesn't mean that you're not exchanging some love with them. Hate is nothing more than agitated love. it's when you love someone so much, but there is something about them or among them that you don't understand or you really just can't handle and you want them to change. If you didn't love them then you just wouldn't care.
That's why walking in a crowd of people there is minimal communication. Just minor body language to avoid bumping into each other or let people through. (which is arguably love as a verb)

Yet, I have been to spiritual gatherings where hundreds of people are gathered that may have never met before. Yet in those moments of worship through music, speech or pray there is this energetic connection. There is communication that transfers in body language, the verbal, the chemical energy and something more. The touch of held hands in a prayer. The hug given between songs at a concert. The nudge against your handheld shoulder quietly in lesson. The nudges during a benediction. The joy and grace of the presence and communion. The intectual deliberation through a lesson. The joyous singing of even a mediocre choir and a community. The singing voices of like seventy youth groups singing a cappella with a rock band gone accoustic is one of the most beautiful things I've heard. The sight of a devoted CCYM group doing a sketch of a girl struggling with temptation then being protected by Jesus from the persuaders. (Google: Lifehouse Everthing. Likely bring that up again next time)

If you're on my Actual Blog you should see a Youtube video of the Everything Sketch, because I feel like sharing. It really intense and really cool and the first time I saw it was live at a United Methodist Youth gathering in Virginia. It's really powerful to watch it in video, but it takes on new meaning when you actually watch it live, it's something... indescribable. If you have no interest in such things, don't watch it. lol

I think that's what drives me to Philosophy, really. I want to be a Pastor and someone capable of philosophizing things to teach, lead and/or help others. All I want to do is help others.
But the one thing I really yearn for my own gain is understanding. I want to understand the indescribable, philosophize the things that confound me to the core, to understand the human condition or at least what of it I perceive, so I can love with less discrimination that I already do, to truly grasp the grace of God and understand it to the extent that through true, pure communication I can express it to the people I love.

To wrap up things.

There's something pure about being able shake someone's hand or hugging my friends when I see them. About the moment when Larry blows everyone's mind because of the cogitation he did in his corner while we rambled on. About those glances between Shane and I in a group, Eleshia and I during a lesson or Misti and I to an offhanded reference. Those moments of laughter with Emma and me, when you look upon a smile that could cure cancer in bottled form. About standing with Emma, when we're holding each other close and just talking. About fist bumps to abstract moments that link obscurely to almost literal metaphors. About a body of people in prayer.

Being with people, no matter who it is, is one of my favourite things. You could put me to dinner with a someone I can't stand to hear talk, but I bet you my new shoes I would walk away from that table with at least a hell of a debate to remember.

But again. Technology is incredible. It is the future.
In some undecided amount of months I will meet one of my finest friends for the first time in person. I communicated with people all over the world. I write a blog to the world who listens to me.
The future is bright, with connectivity. But it will only get brighter, because true communication can not vanish.
Rant over.

Brent Matthew Lillard.