Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Adapt and improve.

[My apologies to anyone who read my last edition of this. The wrong version was uploaded without filter. I usually "tactfully & tastefully" edit my work for the sake of individuals I know and the wrong one got caught in the filter. If anyone was insulted or put down in anyway, then my only defense, while not an excuse, is that we all think things we wouldn't normally say and that is the process by which we make our choices, but not how we make our upon judgements on others. Again, deepest apologies, now I'm going to add some thoughts to this filtered version.]

So Dalton and I didn't work out. I tried, but I'm just not attracted to him.
He's a cute, smart and sweet kid, but it's just not happening. However, he has potential. I believe in a couple years when he matures in character and learns more about himself he will become quite a well done gentleman. I mean, he's already he a really good guy and really funny, it's just not my type, I guess. I do believe he'll find someone perfect for him.

It's a matter of love, really. Love in the romantic sense. Some have that potential, some don't. For some girls and gentlemen I don't have that potential. It doesn't mean there's something wrong, only that they're waiting for something better. So I figure, if there's no future with the person, why try in futility?

So, I just had a long conversation with Maria. Yes, her.
It lead to a discussion that gave me closure on our relationship. I had never known the exact reasoning as why it didn't work and it kept bugging me. Things do that to me. I can't find closure until I understand why something has happened in my life.
With humans and choices, there is always reason. I broke up with Cheri because I was interested in a girl. Emma and I broke up because her feeling had dissipated. I eat because I'm hungry. I paint left fingernails because it give me this pleasure.
Anyway, I know it's my fault. I figured early on it was something to do with lack of self control in that relationship. I was right, only it turns out to come down to one mistake.
One bad choice is all it takes. One choice to can set in motion a chain of other choices. In fact, if it weren't that one time, it turns out I wouldn't have been allowed cross the line in the events to follow. What does that mean? It's totally and completely my fault.
No, I'm not beating myself up. I'm happy I finally know. I needed closure, now I can hurt and get over it.
I mean, I like to adapt and improve from my mistakes. Everything is a learning experience.
And it will hurt, it always hurts for a long time. I still hurt a little just to sit next to Emma. That's life.

On the subject of Emma, I was talking to her yesterday when I was kind of grouchy. So was she, so it worked out! Anyway, I'm going to a game tonight at the school, it's suppose to be the game to see! Should be fun!

The good news is: THE DEXTER BEARCATS WON! Or at least when I left the game they had 21 point lead and their was one minute left on the clock!

Brent Matthew Lillard

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