Monday, September 20, 2010

A bloggers REAL nightmare.

Okay, you remember my ex-girlfriend? Wonderful young woman, I loved her for a time. She's a good friend, fun and interesting, ect.
Well, I'm a parent impresser. I try to the best of my ability to be a gentleman, respect their wishes, introduce myself and be a generally good guy. Whether they know it or not, I try to. I value parents and their wishes and I try to get on their good side so that they'll understand that I'm not the usual dude.
Usual dude being the heterosexual male who just want to get into a girl's pants.
I want a person's mind and spirit and heart, I want to be a good friend. It's my nature.
So, I tried to impress.
But I found out tonight that Emma's parents had been stalking my blog!
Holy crap!
I write about everything short of bathroom humor on here!
During the time of hour relationship I wrote about Gay Rights, same-sex marriage, my considerably ambiguous outlook on the Christian faith, DADT and why I hate it, my sexuality and preference, the fact I have participated in some minor illegal activity and even the fact that I was sexually frustrated, because I never made out with her.
Clearly stating that I wasn't in it for that, but merely at odds with my sexual emotions. Even so, that's an enemy maker for fathers. I've been shot at by a father who's made something out of less. (Story later)
Believe me, I want to get on a father's good side. I want to impress. I want them to know I'm not like most idiots. I suppress my teenaged angst. I'm in it for the comfort of being with someone and I care about and knowing that someone feels the same for me.
WOW! And as Emma would say, "With Hands Signs"!
That would explain the mixed up energy I felt every time I shook hands with that man. Even last Wednesday when he nearly took out Jennifer to shake my hand, there was that energy.
I'm a good guy, I know this. I give myself a lot of crap because. like most guys, I'm a sexually frustrated teenager and I most of the time that IS on my mind. Because I can be selfish. Because I od have vicious mood swings and I can get really angry. But I'm a good guy, I know this. I take pride in this.
However, if you've been paying attention, my blog is an enemy maker to any girlfriend's parents in this part of the united states. Openly Bisexual, I talk about my sexual persona, I mock God and Jesus from time to time, I talk about girls as very nice looking and very nice to hold close to. Not to mention, I'm generally a bitch wagon in my blog and I don't censor my language in this blog. I drop the F-bomb to punctuate my sentences if I have to.
OH man! Blogger's worst nightmare.
But, it's fine. I can only hope that wisdom and firm judgement is made and can see my true intentions.
After all, I've spoken of my bisexuality, but I don't want to rub it in people face. I talk about it because it's a part of me, I can't control that. I just like guys the same way I like girls. So I want to spread the understanding that it is what it is. That I don't see it as evil, but as beautiful.
And I want to study about God, and be a man of God. I want to understand the world around me from a philosophical perspective and be able to explain what I see to those who might want to know. So if I question God or mock the church, I want to do it here and I want people to hear it.
And this is my life blog, I talk about everything I feel. My emotions, my care, my need and want to help others. And to learn and study. So I try to question reality in my blogs, to admit things that most people wouldn't to the public. Everyone feels the same things, I just like to make it open and not a secret, because I don't like secrets. If I love someone, I'm going to admit it. If I'm angry I'm going to analyze it. If I'm sexual confused by a girl or a guy, I'm going to talk about it here.
Hell, I made out with the person I'm with today. Guess what? That's not an unusual thing! I'm just not afraid to admit that I would, but I have the common courtesy not to do so in public.
And if by some strange chance they happen to come across this blog, then they probably think I'm full of crap and that I'm just trying to cover my tracks.
But honestly, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me. I am without shame. I live for humanity. I want to understand it, I want to help any of it's kind that need it and I want to analyze my own humanity. Then I live for God.
I try to impress because I don't want to be stereotyped as the usual guy. That's the reason I write this blog. Also, because it helps me think about things, it helps me understand what I have learned and what I experience.
Who care, honestly? I want to know. Please tell me! Who cares that I'm one of a billion out of the closet people in this world? One of several billion bisexuals, I'm sure. Who cares that I was a little at odds with myself because I'm teenager and I wanted to make out with my girlfriend at the time? What matters is I didn't pressure her when my body said I should. Who cares that I don't keep secrets that are my own? It makes me much less of a mysterious and interesting person, because I'm quite normal. Who cares that that my ex's parents read my blog while we were together? I don't. I wont lose sleep over it. If a reader, ANYONE, does not have the judgement and wisdom to believe in my true disposition, then tough luck. Humans are scared of what they don't understand.

Black people were slaves and thought of as sub-human in America for a long time before the civil rights movement truly made ground. Now, we have a black president. Not the best, but we could do so much worse.
The jews were hunted down by an angry Germany surrounding an Austrian politician who hated his own bloodline. The Nazis were defeated and since then, Israel is claimed by the Israeli people who lived there over 1500 years ago.
Witches and Wiccan believers were hunted for ages, because of the fear of magic. Slaughtered.
LGBTQ individuals used to be thought of by the Psychiatric society as insane and were treated with torturous methods. Even today this goes on. Today, I want to be one of millions of voices trying to equality. Not because I chose this, but because I am this. I can't change it, I've tried.

But if one does understand, than one should realize I'm harmless. I want to harmless. I like being harmless.
Still, I laughed my bottom off when I heard the story. lol

Rant End,
Brent Matthew Lillard

No comments:

Post a Comment