Fear and trust

So I have friend who has recently come out to oneself. I have a few actually, but this one is different. Special. They are dealing with usual ups and downs of discovering the complexity and simplicity bisexual and the trust issues that come from being in a community that outwardly frowns upon the Gay Community.

It's really quite "awwww!" inspiring to watch young love blossom and in an ironically healthy mannor.

I started to suspect of myself about nine years ago. When I was thirteen I just kind of knew I liked both and didn't even know that word Bisexual. There had always been that seed of suspect in my mind and I tried to deny it. To pretend for years and it doesn't work. It wasn't until I was sixteen that I really began to accept it. I just kind of was out to myself. I had already been in a sort of pre-teenager romance and at that point in my life I was fairly agnostic in my beliefs so I didn't really care about the religious aspects of being Bisexual.

During the time I was with my first Girlfriend, right after my Dad had died, I spent a lot of time contemplating everything from creative ways to commit suicide to who I could trust. The trust issues were the hardest to deal with. Because these issues had caused me pain before, I had been hurt by these feelings before, hard.

But it was a guy, in the end, who just kind of made me realize. He was kind, sweet, a great friend until the end of his life. Imagine if you will, a seventeen year old, short Denzel Washington. We only lasted about a month, due to complications of lifestyles, but it really opened my eyes to what being out is about. So when I met my next Girlfriend, who happened to be pro LGBTQ and into the church, I began stepping out of the closet to certain people. Including my homophobic best friend, cause when you have a friendship like that something so petty is not going to blow it to pieces.

So far my friend has only outed oneself to me, their samesex partner and a distant friend from afar. But they seem to be accepting the reality with joy and happiness. It's really quite adorable.

But since the person isn't comfortable with being out and is still struggling with trust, I don't want to remain with this subject any longer.

I also recently have been looking at different colleges, since I plan to get a bachelors in philosophy after I get my associates in religious studies. I was considering a near by college here in Missouri called College of the Ozarks, sometimes referred to as Hard Work U.

One of the things I do when dealing with any religious facility is read the code of conduct.

So I downloaded the PDF of the student handbook and read the table of contents right under Code of Conduct was Sexuality and Lifestyle. Now, that's the only reason I flipped, though. It's a good enough reason for me not to go there, if we are not allowed, but their were some lesser protocols I didn't like as well.

As far as protocol, it seemed to me the college has zero tolerance of self expression.

No hair dye.

No nail polish on men. (not a big deal)

Absolutely no make on men (and I know several respectable men who happen where make up)

Men must cut hair so it doesn't cover the ears or reach the collar. (One, I like my hair. Two, many modern hairstyles are over the ears)

Women are not allowed to wear form fitting clothes (this is 2010, that's 85% of what young women wear. Tight jeans and shirts that complement their form. I'm not saying super tight clothing, I'm saying clothing that compliment's one's form.)

Their zero tolerance policy leaves no room for anything that many display alcoholic beverages or references there of. That includes movie posters that may display a bottle of beer in a sexy (that is to say appealing) mannor. ( This includes, but is not limited to clothing, signs, lamps, posters, etc.)

Lastly, my favourite, they have ZERO tolerance of anything LGBTQ. As quoted in their student handbook: (Extra ridiculous parts in Purple)

Toward this end, the College may subject to disciplinary action any employee or student who engages in or encourages:

1. Sexual relations with a person other than his/her spouse;

2. Sexual relations with a person of the same sex;

3. Touching, caressing, and other physical conduct of a sexual nature with a person of the same sex;

4. Touching, caressing, and other physical conduct of a sexual nature with a person of the opposite sex that is inappropriate to the time and place in which it occurs.

Disciplinary action may include disciplinary dismissal.

So to the equivalent, if they even think you even encourage LGBTQ behaviour you can face disciplinary action.

Needless to say as someone who is openly bisexual I would likely not make it in. However, I will be crossing that off the list. At least a Methodist college, like Virginia Wesleyan College, has an Equality Alliance. I could honestly care less about whether is has something like that, so long as it does not oppress.

Alas, I shall continue searching.

So I leave you with a song, by Placebo, called "Teenage Angst". This is played live at SFR studios in Paris, France.

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So as always I hope you have love and shalom,

Brent Matthew Lillard

@SAKUTOnoSai